The inside

Oh, the questions.
The lines are drawn.
The persistence is growing.
The challenge is present.

Who said they could be *this* independent? Who said they could be *this* big while being so little?

Who said? And never notified me of the impending changes?

I have not yet had the defiance from my kids that many of my friends have dealt with. I know, I know ... groan with less-than sincere sympathy ... but really, it's hard to get it all at once!

My oldest, C is not a defiant kid by nature. He is generally quite easy going. Generally, convinced to do whatever we ask, even if it means he isn't in control.

My youngest, K, is so different. She can be more defiant, and defintiely has a control issue, that she, ahem, got from someone. Don't know who .... ;o) But she has that female-ness "in charge" thing.

This weekend, there was a coup. They both discussed it. I know they did.

The little devils.

Honestly, I step back and look into my life often (I think that it is age that is helping me do it - the big 3-8 soon ....) and the big picture that is painted is not a wretched one. I know this. I can see this.

My two are really, I mean reallllllly good kids. I am proud to call them mine on so many levels, even behavior wise. They are fun, crazy, energetic, exciting, polite, pleasant, giggly, vibrant, and full of life. They are also 7 and 5. Need I say more?

So, when I look at this weekend, I see a wee one at 5.5 who was not feeling herself (harboring that nasty headcold still), feeling a little out of control of her environment, and whining a whole lot more than what she ever has. I also see a 7 year old who is growing into his own skin at this point, and feeling like he can conquer the world, with a simple hockey stick.

We had some pleasant moments, some funny moments, and some warm moments this weekend.

But, we also had this :

"NO, mom. I am not doing that!"
"Yes I am getting ________!"
"I am not coming to see you!"

Yep, all in one weekend. {sigh}

Who said they could be defiant?

Is this a rule that I missed in the booklet that came with their last birthday?

So, we talked. We dealt with frustration (on the kid level, and the adult level) and we dealt the punishment.

Not awful stuff I know. But still, argghhhhhhhh.

Okay. Already I feel better.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing.
I wonder if I am saying the right thing.
I question my responses.
I question my reactions.
I question whether or not I have made the right decisions.

This is hard work, this parenting thing, sometimes.

Milimoments of angst wrapped around joy, excitement, fun, love, hugs, kisses, and silliness, homework, sports, tears, sadness, happiness, art, music, activity .....

I wish the milimoments were easier. Can you imagine how ridiculous that is that I am saying that? 'Cause all the other stuff is so much better .... the angst *should be easier*, shouldn't it?

I don't think that's realistic, is it? I know better ... I do.

{sigh}

Gosh, I really am happy that they are as stubborn, and decisive as they are, as children. I am. I describe K as "exactly as I want her to be at 30". I really believe that. She is not going to be someone that will be pushed around. She is not going to just follow. She is a leader. A leader with her own mind.

I love that about her.

C is a leader with a little more easy-going, understanding nature to him. He is accomodating and happy to please. He will be the guy that convinces others to get things done WITH him.

I love that about him.

And people love that about THEM, too. Many, many people.

I guess I want it all ..... an attitude to get what you want from life later, with an easy going nature now. I want it to be easier today.

You know what, I just re-read that last line. They are me. They look exactly like their father, but the inside, the fighter, the independence is me.

It is not so easy to look in the mirror is it?

:o)