chaos

that's where life has been .... organized, at times, but the reality of life with 2 energetic, and busy kids, a busy husband, 2 dogs, and a "summertime" house (read: house with pool for all to be in) is just that - chaotic.

I love it, don't get me wrong, family has been, and always will be the priority for me, and my life adjustments have been a journey. A joyful, enriching journey to convert me from just karin to wife, partner, mommy. I have mentioned the incredible joy that all brings, the feeling of "luck" that I have all of this.

But, the weird funky place I have been for the last two months has not been the easiest for me to navigate the "tangled web" that appears before me. I don't feel like myself. It's weird, though, I don't feel under the weather, or blue, or even negative. Just different. Perhaps part of the journey, and perhaps a process that works in hand with the "wife-mommy" connection.

The kids are getting older. They are becoming little people, with their own agenda, their own journey through life. I think an awful lot about the mark I am leaving with them.

For them.
On them.

Am I the mommy that I want to be? 95% of the time, absolutely. I giggle with them, I guide them, I revel in their successes, I feel their defeats, I love their little minds, I love their little athletic bodies, and all the things they can do with them, I love their spirits, their nature, and their approach to life.

Sean is in a work transition right now, and that may have something to do with this feeling I have. He is looking for a 'home' where he can hone the incredible gifts he has as a salesman. I know he will be successful with it, he always is, but the process is, at best, work.

Sean's sister, Amy is on my mind, heavily. There is a story here, and one that goes deeply. She is old enough to know better, but young enough for influence. I just can't do it anymore. I feel for her, and I want all the best that life can give her. I just can't. I love her like a sister, and giving up (on ANYONE or ANYTHING) is something my body and mind is not comfortable with, nor am I familiar with it, but her journey has changed her, and given her opportunities that she knows are not good for her - but she did them anyway. I've tried with all my might as a sil. It makes me so sad, and I can't shake that feeling. I can't give any more though. It's helping with the 'going down' feeling that I have. How can I not turn away?

Alas, I also know that Bryan and Susie are never far from my head - and heart, as well. It's June 18 already, and that means time is drawing near that Susie will send him off to the war. What I have learned about me is stress has a funny way of showing itself. I have deep emotions, and when I try and keep some covered, or worse, buried, I collapse internally. I am trying to compartmentalize the feelings I have, and get through the pain. It isn't easy, and I can feel myself suppressing the fear. I am hopeful that "talking about it" here, as well as with Sean and my family, and ultimately with Bryan and Susie, I will journey through the thoughts. I also have a cathartic enterprise I am jumping into (in my mind, cathartic anyway!) with some creative endeavors for them, and for us here at home. I am anxious to start ..... just need to.

Perhaps I could have called this *unload monday* as that's what I just felt happened. I am not normally in this place ... honestly, don't know that I've ever been to this one. It's all new ... and unfamiliar.

But it's been a long time that I felt like this, and without letting it out, I don't know how I can process the thoughts. So, there it is.

If you got to this spot, thanks. Ears were what I needed. :o)

I will be back. Possibly later today.

{relief}