dear heavens

where does one begin when so much is going on, and one has been so neglectful of one's blog?

{sigh}

hard to catch up right now ... will say that things are better inside my head and heart. and that's a big lump of relief.

BUT - life has effectively gone into 5th gear.

my memory card is full. which means I have 800 pix on there, awaiting work, and downloading, and posting .....

so. we are well. i am well. things are well.

and well, i am running out the door to go to my nieces hockey game. :O)

be back soon .... with photos.

promise.

chaos

that's where life has been .... organized, at times, but the reality of life with 2 energetic, and busy kids, a busy husband, 2 dogs, and a "summertime" house (read: house with pool for all to be in) is just that - chaotic.

I love it, don't get me wrong, family has been, and always will be the priority for me, and my life adjustments have been a journey. A joyful, enriching journey to convert me from just karin to wife, partner, mommy. I have mentioned the incredible joy that all brings, the feeling of "luck" that I have all of this.

But, the weird funky place I have been for the last two months has not been the easiest for me to navigate the "tangled web" that appears before me. I don't feel like myself. It's weird, though, I don't feel under the weather, or blue, or even negative. Just different. Perhaps part of the journey, and perhaps a process that works in hand with the "wife-mommy" connection.

The kids are getting older. They are becoming little people, with their own agenda, their own journey through life. I think an awful lot about the mark I am leaving with them.

For them.
On them.

Am I the mommy that I want to be? 95% of the time, absolutely. I giggle with them, I guide them, I revel in their successes, I feel their defeats, I love their little minds, I love their little athletic bodies, and all the things they can do with them, I love their spirits, their nature, and their approach to life.

Sean is in a work transition right now, and that may have something to do with this feeling I have. He is looking for a 'home' where he can hone the incredible gifts he has as a salesman. I know he will be successful with it, he always is, but the process is, at best, work.

Sean's sister, Amy is on my mind, heavily. There is a story here, and one that goes deeply. She is old enough to know better, but young enough for influence. I just can't do it anymore. I feel for her, and I want all the best that life can give her. I just can't. I love her like a sister, and giving up (on ANYONE or ANYTHING) is something my body and mind is not comfortable with, nor am I familiar with it, but her journey has changed her, and given her opportunities that she knows are not good for her - but she did them anyway. I've tried with all my might as a sil. It makes me so sad, and I can't shake that feeling. I can't give any more though. It's helping with the 'going down' feeling that I have. How can I not turn away?

Alas, I also know that Bryan and Susie are never far from my head - and heart, as well. It's June 18 already, and that means time is drawing near that Susie will send him off to the war. What I have learned about me is stress has a funny way of showing itself. I have deep emotions, and when I try and keep some covered, or worse, buried, I collapse internally. I am trying to compartmentalize the feelings I have, and get through the pain. It isn't easy, and I can feel myself suppressing the fear. I am hopeful that "talking about it" here, as well as with Sean and my family, and ultimately with Bryan and Susie, I will journey through the thoughts. I also have a cathartic enterprise I am jumping into (in my mind, cathartic anyway!) with some creative endeavors for them, and for us here at home. I am anxious to start ..... just need to.

Perhaps I could have called this *unload monday* as that's what I just felt happened. I am not normally in this place ... honestly, don't know that I've ever been to this one. It's all new ... and unfamiliar.

But it's been a long time that I felt like this, and without letting it out, I don't know how I can process the thoughts. So, there it is.

If you got to this spot, thanks. Ears were what I needed. :o)

I will be back. Possibly later today.

{relief}

paradigm shift

i've had one, and i am liking the fallout.

positive speak.

that's my shift - speak kindly, positively, and 'lift-em-up'.

or don't say what's on your mind right then, if it isn't comprised of aforementioned qualities.

so far, it's catchy. imagine that? i'm thinking that it will be a catchy kind of trend here .... one that becomes the norm.

had a wonderful conversation with sean's aunt, and we had an opportunity to discuss the in-law angst i was having. i really love her. i am so very lucky to have her in my life.

had a tiring, and long week ... off to dream.

i'll catch ya tomorrow, i hope.

emerging ...

slowly, i think. from the place that i was. i am feeling like i am getting into the groove of things, and back to the 'old self. i'd love to share some photos from our west coast trip ... so ...

i should start with this:

san fransisco is an incredible city with magical qualities of beauty,kindness,heritage,beautiful people, and culture. i fell in love. i did, no doubt. we had a "in-a-lifetime" type of trip (not necessarily *once* in that lifetime, we plan on visiting again, yk?)

but it will forever be the place that sean, bryan, susie, and i convened prior to bryan's deployment to iraq.

it was beautiful, and necessary, and needed. it was emotional, and wonderful, and enriching, and heartwrenching, and painful all at the same time.


we met people, and made connections that are impossible to put into words. really. there are stories that we have to tell about those that we met, by chance, 3000 miles from BOTH of our homes. there was an overwhleming amount of kindness expressed to susie and bryan, and even us, from those that knew he was deploying. dinners were payed for, drinks we bought, hands were extended with warm hugs, and encouraging words of 'just come back safe, Bryan', from people we had just met. he was given things to bring with him for safety, and things he was told to return with safely. he was thanked countless times.


it was awesome.


it was also hard to let him go, and get on his plane.

i watched him, and let my stare linger, as he disappeared beyond the door. my thoughts waffled back and forth from ' oh, god, what if this is the last time i see him ever again, what'll i tell the kids we said to each other?'. to 'be safe' to 'don't go' to 'come back, i need one more hug'. inside i was screaming, wanting so badly to run and get him, and on the outside i was strong. so ... opposite of me, normally.


he's in california again for some training before he goes to iraq in july. one month. one.

to say that we've been recovering is an understatement. it was an emotionally, and physically draining trip, that lifted us up all at the same time, as i said. but the 'post-vacation-hangover' has lingered longer with this one than ever before. I've never felt like this before, and i am working hard at processing what we're dealing with. i'm scared, and nervous, and angry, and sad, and terrified.


i will be here more often, to write, and 'purge' i suspect. there are some other things fluttering about that have kept me pensive, and disturbed, unrelated to bryan and susie, but rleated to sean's family, so i'm chalking this time up to 'in-law angst'. heh. (you know everything needs a title, or a 'category' right?)


on with the snaps -


here are the 4 of us, on the second day, heading to do some shopping and sightseeing. (get used to B's outfit, he packed very lightly. dang Marine's, they really get used to NOT having clean clothes. sigh.)
B & S in the redwood trees at Muir Woods - they were doing "this is what a little kid squeal is like because mom wouldn't stop snapping pictures" (!) yeah, realll funny, fellas.




the quintessential SF shots - the Golden Gate Bridge as you pass over it towards Sausalito. hmmmmm .. so nice! and the sourdough bread at the bakery on Fisherman's Wharf, they made animals all week long, and displayed them in the window. (we stayed on the wharf) yummiest bagel evah!.


a brother sandwich of me at Muir woods. (i have to add here, this might be the first trip EVER where there is more than one shot of me!)

and an early evening shot as we strolled to dinner at Alioto's on the water. isn't that gorgeous?

me & he aboard the double decker tour bus around the city. late in the day, and very much having a great time!

finally, for now, a kind of a funny, very late evening shot from saturday night. clearly a few adult bevies had been consumed by the time this was snapped. i *think* the bartender took it, but i could be wrong ....

so, that's what i got for now .... there are 175 more that i have waiting to be edited, etc. i'll be visiting and posting more as the days go by over the next weeks. i'm also working on a project for Bryan and Susie with the photos, so i'm motivated to get them done, and it's certainly therapeutic.

alas, sorry for the lengthy break ... i think it was something i needed to do - on many levels.

ciao. :)