The trouble with spirited children is .....

they are very strong willed.

Yes, this I knew.

Many, many years ago.

Aiy aiy aiy.

I swear I feel like I have been "teaching lessons" for a week straight (because every time I turn around there is one to *teach*). I feel like I have not been positive (because I haven't). I feel like I have been handing out consequences left and right (because I have). I feel like I am a mean mommy deserving of the bad mommy award for the week (because I am and I do.)

argh. and wahhhhhhh. and ugh. and {sniff sniff}

This is hard. This is frustrating, and crappy.

Parenting is a challenge, and a very slippery slope at times. What I mean is this: frustration finds a way in, the other adult in the "room" (whether it's reality in the room, or just figuratively in the relationship) gets the backlash of frustration because you can't lash out at the kids. So, in the end, the parenting unit is stressed.

THAT's where I am at.

It isn't awful, it isn't all consuming. I really think it's the end of the summer, and we all need a little jolt to the routine we've been in for 2 months.

Tired. Bored. and just growing up.

My kids are super kids. They are fun to be around, and a joy to be a mommy to. They have tons of friends, and other people enjoy being around them.

They are 7 and 6. They will make mistakes, and they will disappoint me, dh, teachers, each other, family .... etc. You get the point. Why then, if I know this am I determined to get them to see things the way I am looking at it.

I was up until 2:10 AM the other night. Writing. It doesn't seem too late, I know. However, I was to be in the OR at 6:45 the next morning, so it was a 6:00AM wake up. I wrote this: (well, this is a bit of it - it's 2.5 pages)

....... I know that I have been extremely difficult to be around, especially during times of high stress. Although we had a great summer, and we found time to enjoy ourselves, I felt overwhelmed with the need to control so much of what happens here. I cannot. I know I can’t. I just can’t keep myself from desiring that control. I hate that part of me. I want so badly to sit back and “let go”. Live and let live.

In so many ways, I know that I can do that – but only in ways that I am not being judged. For instance, my children’s actions; the way my house looks – neatness wise; my appearance; my children’s appearance ~ all of these I am judged on and I want the control of it all, all of it done, my way, so that when people judge me, it is favorably. It is an impossible dream. It is something I am struggling with. Daily. I know that. It is also ridiculous, and so not important items, I know all of this.

I want to let it go.

I need to know that I am doing okay, that I am getting through the shitty stuff, and celebrating the fabulous stuff. I need to know that things are positive when they are positive, and work together when they aren’t. I would love to be more positive, and find a way to celebrate things, things that are important – like my kids NOT arguing, and playing a game together, or like friends finding a way to get along, and celebrating one another by laughing, and giggling, and loving each other. I want to teach my son that being a good person supersedes winning, at all costs. I want to tech my daughter that people listen better when you speak gently. I want to teach my kids that yelling gets nothing but deaf ears. I want to be a role model. I want to be a decent role model. One that handles stress, and finds a way to rise above and love what is *here* in front of me. I want to be a good wife. A good mom. And a good friend.

I want to be better. I guess, we all do, don't we?

I want to celebrate the positive, and ignore the negative (to a point that makes the point, you know what I mean? Not IGNORE completely, but give the attention to the good stuff, and leave the ugly stuff for the garbage, get it?)

I want to let my kids know that they are struggling through stuff that they will learn from, and gain strength from. I want them to feel good about themselves, and not badly. I want them to know that we believe in them, and trust that they will do what is right, and good, and kind, and loving. And pass on these things to their kids.

I want them to be noble citizens, with hearts of gold, and minds of steel, and souls of goodness. I want them to be loved and love. I want them to show what makes the fabric of THEM. They are noble,gold,steel, and good. They ARE love.

You and I are a strong, quality team. I know that we have what it takes to make it. I feel the strength from our relationship, and our love, daily. But I also know that we lose, like all marriages, sight of this through the reality of a busy family with difficult phases that we go through. 7.5 year olds, and 6 year olds can be difficult. But WE are making it more difficult by not allowing them to be who they are. They are babies in the “big picture”. Wouldn’t you agree? You always make me look at the big picture. You always have a way to make me see the end result – the forest through the trees if you will - and the reality of our kids ages is just this : babies. They can’t possibly have the tools to relate, process, feel, understand, and know what we are frustrated with.

Not yet. We need to train them for many years. And if we keep going down this road, it will destruct before our very eyes. I know I will.

C understands feelings, and he is now “getting” that he is hurting feelings of others; it’s going to be a long road to teach how to stop and think BEFORE he acts. Boys, especially little boys, are impulsive, and “living in the moment – moment to moment” kind of people. He is a gentle soul, with a strong spirit. He is a kind kid, one with loads of love.

K can’t hear herself scream like that. She is now grasping that we are climbing the walls when we hear it. Girls get their attention from the whining that they are famous for. Again, it’s going to be a long road before she can squelch the impulse to squeal for attention. We’ve been giving it all along. She is warm, and loving, and giving, and thoughtful. She is a wonderful, spririted kid.

These things I know, and I can rationalize them here. In writing, on paper. I cannot, for the life of me, see through that darn forest to rationalize it in reality when I am IN IT WITH THEM. I know that you have a hard time with this too.

This, this is where I need your help. I need to back away from the negative behavior, and praise the good behavior. I need to keep the point going that “ _______ is a better way to act, and opposed to ______ being the bad way to act”.

Toddlers need positive reinforcement, heck, WE ALL do. I have not been good at that lately. Probably ever, honestly. I am sorry about that. I want to be better at it. I want to give kudos when it’s deserved, and also when it’s just something little.

Spreading love.

Spreading celebration.

Spreading cheer.

Not worrying about being judged, or judging. Not worrying about who will get a big head.

Positive reinforcement.

Loving the goodness in us all.

I bet we can all benefit from it. I believe in this family. I believe in each of you. I believe we can get through this, and find the way to relating better, and processing all the crap that we have to.

I believe we can be better served by celebrating each other. Loving one another more, and showing it, telling it, and FEELING it.

I am sorry for the angst; for the frustration I have caused; for the crappy attitude. I am sorry for the aggravation.

I love you more that you know. I love all three of you, with all of me.

Let’s work on this.