some lessons are more difficult to handle than others. some come and go and you sigh that relieving breath, and say ... 'lesson learned', move forward and typically (or is that hopefully) don't forget said lesson, too soon.
as a parent, the hardest lessons are the ones that your kid has to bear on their shoulders. a lesson that you find entirely too heavy for their little minds, hearts, and souls to handle. that's when you say 'this stinks' and your heart sags, and your mind yearns for one more year of innocence.
our little c-man is in the middle of one of these.
3rd grade, literally his 6th year of school (if you count pre-school as 'school') and he has a teacher that he does not connect with.
in truth, he doesn't like her.
he told us. several times.
and i think that realization is hurting him.
initially, she was "mean". then she was "weird". then she was "too strict". then she was just "not someone he wanted to be around". this of course, is his perception and opinion on the matter.
and it's the 4th week of school.
*sigh*
i had a ptg meeting and the teacher was there. she got my ear for a few minutes at the end of the meeting, and discussed with me her issues with my little man (hadn't heard her side because her communication methods are, well, let's say, far less effective - read: NON existent - than any other teacher so far he has had).
mama bear was struggling to emerge, but i refrained "her" from making an appearance. i wanted to listen with an open mind, but my heart was breaking into a million pieces with the information she volunteered. (it is fair to interject here that c-man has never had any kind of an issue that the teacher needed to chat with me, or with sean. there has never been a behavior issue, or worse, an effort issue on his part, so far in school. in fact, it's been quite the opposite so far, sometimes to our surprise, but ALWAYS to our pleasure, of course)
so, last night, and this morning, we had another chat about this situation with him. this time, though, the lesson was apparently unavoidable.
cam, you aren't going to like everyone you meet. you don't even have to like everyone you meet. and they, well, they don't have to like you, either.
*ouch*
we discussed the necessity for respect, which is something that sean and i have always insisted upon. that wasn't an issue with him, he's heard that a million times, and recognizes authority deserves, and we insist on, respect. (granted he falls from grace, as we all do, but for the most part, he is a very polite, and respectful kid) but he wasn't recognizing that his lack of effort in the classroom was showing disrespect to not only his teacher, but to his capabilities, something an 8 year old would need to be shown, I am guessing.
he responded very well. he even told me he had an excellent day today, and did all of his work in a timely manner (one issue she mentioned was the fact that he was not completing work she deemed as perfectly appropriate level for him, in a timely manner. she wanted to place a timer near him to remind him of the need for *timely* completion - not something i wanted to occur, but strategies are important to at least discuss, right?)
he also said she was much nicer today. it is noteworthy that our intial impression of her is not strict, nor mean, or even "not nice". she is, for lack of a better description, beige. very UNcharismatic. very UNcharming. very .... vanilla. in a word, blah.
cam however, is very UNblah. he's bright blue. electric blue, really.
the kid has had charismatic teachers every single year. that works with him like a dream. he has a personality that is charming, and fun, and magnetic - he is charismatic. he has loved everyone of his teachers, each year. and truthfully, they have had their strict moments, and cam has certainly received his fair share of reprimands from them. but never, not once has he ever said the words 'i don't like ___' when referring to a teacher. we have also never had a repetitive behavior issue that would lead us to believe he had disruptive issues in school. and never have we heard that he isn't doing his work. ever.
what is clearly apparent to me is his injured ego that someone would possibly not like him. most especially a teacher. i believe that he thinks she doesn't like him, because he doesn't like her, and that realization is painful to him (i haven't asked him that because i am not so sure he can figure that out in his own mind and heart). i am surmising that he has turned off the excitement he typically has because he is unispired by the feelings he is attempting to process.
uninspired as an 8 year old boy in the 4th week of school. unreal.
our hope is that he did make the turn today after we chatted, and discussed "the lesson". the kid revels in positive reinforcement (hello? who doesn't right?!) so we tried to lead with that, and encourage the academic achievements he has always attained, told him how proud we were of his ability to shine and excel at the things he really loves to do. we also told him that his other teachers in the past have always spoken so highly of his capabilities. he then said that Mrs. B doesn't do that, and he wished she did. so i asked him how his other teachers recognized his 'talents' and he told me this: "they saw me do things, and realized i could". so i reminded him that maybe, just maybe, he hasn't shown Mrs. B yet, and she needs to see him shine.
i know we're not the only ones that can see his spirit. i know because he has shown it to many others that mention it to us. i just wish that he didn't have to meet someone that he has to convince he has a wonderful spirit, so early in his life.
but that spirit he has, the one that we see daily, the one that others see daily, will hopefully give her the chance to forget about the difference between beige and bright blue.
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2 comments:
Such a tough lesson, Karin. I know, because my boy, who I think is pretty cool, too, struggles with this with *everyone*. I think, for kids his age, it's that he doesn't quite speak "the language of boys" (sports, mainly), that they can't easily relate to him. And yet, in class, he's goofy. I watch him in gymnastics and cringe, because *I*, an introvert, just do not understand the stuff he does. He has a need to touch, to move...and it must be utterly overwhelming because no matter how much I tell him to stop, he doesn't. Or maybe he can't.
Anyway, about the teacher. DS's first grade teacher was like what you've described. I don't know that she disliked him, but he certainly didn't shine brightly in her eyes. She was old school and, from other parents who volunteered frequently, rather cruel at times, something I witnessed a couple of times, too. And she was dishonest.
I think there are some teachers who are just soulless, and some who just have a hard time with those bright stars, like it seems Cam must be. They don't "get" them, or they perhaps can't relate to them. But I do know that it seems so important for teachers in these early grades to gush, to love, to give positive encouragement, to look for the good... and when they don't, without the kind of parental support like you and S offer, I think this is also where we can lose these kids.
I'm sure Cam will be fine, but that's not to say his heart won't hurt a bit. For someone to have had his shine and sparkle always acknowledged, something like this can feel real, when I think it's like the teacher's problem, in the guise and at the risk of your son's.
I hope she comes around, really I do. Seeing your child hurt without understanding, is hard; I know because I think that's where my own son is right now and I'm out of ideas on how to help him heal.
Oh.
Oh, I know what this is like.
Frank had a beige teacher in first grade, and now R has the same beige teacher, and we're encountering problems again.
Frank 2nd grade teacher was.... army green, I guess. :p. She was not to be messed with. And he adored her, he really did. Its all a matter of expressing some color, isn't it.
Hope things get better for Cam and Mrs Beige.
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