So ...

where have I been?

oh, my it's been a little bit here .... {sigh}

i have so much to share, so much going on ... i needed a moment to give me pause, and i got it from a new photography blog i have been visiting. i needed to be given a breath.

...... and it suits my need right now for this posting.

check this out - copied right from that blog:

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What Will Matter by: Michael Josephson - Founder of the Josephson Institute of Ethics

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear. So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.

It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought but what you built, not what you got but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

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because today is the 4th day since i heard that my mil was rushed to the hospital for what appears to have been a series of "mini strokes", she has abused her body for so many years, my very first thought was 'this is the beginning of the end'.
this was exactly how my fil's last year began for him. i am confused as to my role as a wife, to my husband, through this new development.
because he has no relationship with her currently, and the realtionship prior to this non-existent one was achingly poor, at best. he has pure clarity with his relationship with her - it's me that has the issues with it. i struggle with it. i think to myself - it *is* his mother - she gave the man life several years ago.

but she has pissed hers away.

she cares nothing for my kids, seen them only once, no, actually cam twice, kendall once.

so as a mom, i am fiercely protective of them, as a funeral is immenent, and we will need to attend - i suppose. do i bridge the gap with the family, and attempt to reach out? my mom and i spoke about me doing that 4 months ago, before these latest strokes. she told me i shouldn't feel compelled to reach out. why are you feeling guilty? what have you done to sever the relationship? you married her son - her oldest child, and she is angry with you. but she never even tried to get to know me. she just didn't like me because i married him. i don't even think she knows my name. my mom then said she made her bed, she needs to lie in it.

so, that little post above was poignant for me to read today.

she hasn't chosen to matter. she doesn't matter to herself, how can she expect to matter to others?

i am sad, and confused, and fearful of the outcome.

and at the same time, determined to matter to my kids. to my husband. and to my family.

i choose that life. i want to matter.

until tomorrow .....