real

i have found something that is deeply affecting me. it's a blog that i have been reading, and weeping to, and taking a moment to breath with. the blog is http://jodyferlaak.blogspot.com/. The name is Nitty Gritty. if you've not been directed to this blog, i'd like to be the one to get you there. this woman, the mother of 5 children, newly pregnant with her 6th, has been blogging for over two years about her life with her brood. she writes about her life with her family, the daily joys, the daily difficulties, and everything in between. but the piece that grabs hold of you, and doesn't let you turn away is this: her oldest daughter, Teagan, was tragically killed while sitting having brunch with her family on a sunday back in 2001. Teagan was 4.

this woman is in a word, amazing. her faith (of which i admire SO greatly, however struggle to fully comprehend, personally) is what gets her through her days, her nights, her ... life. she is absolutely astounding in her forgiveness, her strength, her vision, and her approach to living.

here's a snipet:

" life, to me isn't about getting things done and checking off lists. No. It's about living with intention and understanding. It's about priorities and having them so in tune with what is Real that everything else can wait. Just so that the moments that truly matter can take center stage."

she was talking about stopping to take a breath, and drink in an everyday moment that she and her daughter, Wyndham were having unexpectedly. this kind of thought, and process are typical of her musings, and her life as she writes about it on her blog. it has changed the way i am thinking the last several days. it is certainly changing the way i am acting - most especially with those folks that i love with all my heart. knowing that i have been working hard to be grateful, and take the time to appreciate all that i have - i still find myself humbled to a point of silence as i read this blog.

honestly, i won't even be able to accurately depict what she expresses.

go. read it.

you will not be disappointed.

i promise.

come back

that's what i heard as i moved from the house this morning on the backroad to the highway. it was on my cell phone, and it was my little babe. she was crying. she was very upset that i didn't go in this morning to give her a kiss and say goodbye "because you were leaving for a whole day and night, and you usually kiss me goodbye in the morning". i do that, it's true. usually. and i go into both of their rooms. but it's because it's 5:00AM usually and theyaren't even close to waking up. today it was 6:30 AM and the chance existed that i might startle them and wake them for the day, and that's just too early. especially this week when the evenings have been full of activities, and things that have been keeping them both awake 30-60 mins past normal bedtime. she was already awake, though, this morning, waiting for me to kiss her goodbye. and today, of all the days, i didn't go in to kiss her.

dang it.

without so much as a breath, i turned around and flew back to the house to get the much needed (for BOTH of us) hug and kiss. she was waiting for me, barely able to see through the window of the side door. smiling with the light illuminating her hair behind her. she had her jammies on, and her eyes were swollen from sleeping, but also from crying. we stood there, at the door, hugging, and holding each other. she sighed a comfortable sigh, and said, "okay go ahead mommy, you need to go." i asked her if she'd give cam a hug since he wasn't up yet. she readily agreed, but asked me for the hug to give to him. i happily oblidged, afterall. :) and of course, he seems to be needing a hug or thirty these days, with his frustration with 3rd grade and all. so, she was gleefully filled with her hugs, for the extra hugs for her brother, and, of course, her extra mommy-time, and she shut the door, locked the lock, and stood there as i got back into my car, and waved to me - with a big smile, and a beautiful vision of red hair illuminated in that before the sun rises glow as i drove off again.

the little girl with the great big, wonderful, gentle, and loving heart that swells my soul with every emotion on the earth.

grabbing hold of the tails

and hanging on for all that's good in the world. :O)

i am feeling a wee bit crunched for time, and a wee bit frazzled ... i have some thoughtful things i want to say. i have some swirling things in this head 'o mine, but just no time.

i am trying to be better about getting enough sleep, and i am doing well. so i don't want to blow it. i've got an early day tomorrow, and some traveling, and i haven't packed yet. BUT - the kids are all set with their stuff, and i have organized my work stuff to just shove into the car at 6:00AM, so i am ahead of myself with that. gotta pack, and get to sleep.

i should be able to get here tomorrow and unswirl the thoughts in my head, though, and get a good one.

until them, i will continue to be a short-winded blogger wordwise, and leave you only with this:

we've titled this one "Peace" because, well, there was for quite some time as this went on. it's her Nintendo DS, and he was better at that game so she asked him to play it and show her.

awwwwwww ... right?

heh.

argh

I have been trying to get a playlist posted to my blog for the better part of the afternoon. i.cannot.get.it.done.

i love the idea of having music playing while on my blog, and posting or commenting. i hope that i can figure it out. any advice?

today was a good start to the week - i had mentioned that it was going to be a busy one - it wasn't a crazy start. regular, still busy, but not outrageous.

now though, i am jonesing for some chocolate chip cookies and we don't have any. darnit. so, i am making a note to myself that tomorrow, i will schedule some time to make some cookies.

afterall, the kids and sean love them too. :)

gearing up

for a busy week. sunday should be two days long.

just sayin'.

pancakes for dinner

that's what was asked for. that's what was served. and it was delicious! have i mentioned my world famous pancakes? they were named that by the little people that live here. isn't that adorable? typically, when there are sleepovers (like, every other night it seems!) that's the request in the morning - "mom, how 'bout some of those world famous pancakes today?!" but today, there wasn't enough time in the morning, so we delayed until dinner.

yum.

other than that excitement, today was lovely. i went to the gym in the early hours of the morning, cam and sean darted out to baseball clinic once i was back, and then kendall and i went shopping, and errand running. once we all came home, we watched the Bad News Bears (yes, the original with Walter Matthau - rude and crass, and both of the kids would say "ooo, that's not nice ..." and i would cringe) pancake dinner, and now, chilling out. early to bed tonight, 2 hockey games tomorrow.

so, with that - off to cuddle, and snuggle, and do some reading. current favorite books they are reading: kendall - James and The Giant Peach. cameron - Star of The Storm (a newfoundland story) very cool to listen to them reading, and i am loving the stories being told to me through their eyes.
g'night!

third grade

has been .. a journey.

we met with the teacher yesterday after a one week daily report sytematic approach to honing in on cam's behavior "blip". i call it a blip, because the reality is, it was a blip on the radar. but it was something to address.

the concensus was this: she was noticing some changes with his behavior in class. "arguing", pleading his case, eye rolling, and general attitude expression - testing the lines, in effect. typical nine year old stuff you say? yeah, us too.
however, the note home was taken seriously, addressed, daily reports began, and what do you know? the kid came back to the kid we all love and know. immediately. shocking, right? ;)

the meeting was positive, and generally uplifting for the little man. she complimented him on his academics (well deserved) as well as his leadership role in the classroom (well deserved). she also commended his ability to reach higher, and challenge himself to work harder at the things he likes (science, math, reading and writing). she was particuarly impressed with his innate, clearly natural, ability to comprehend reading in such a way that she's moving him forward in that level - again.
she stated, however, that his silliness gets in the way (as expected) and he tends to easily distract himself, which with his leadership qualities lends to others being equally distracted. (understandable). she mentioned that there are others (sean asked her if there were other children with similar issues on a daily report gig and the answer was a not-so-surprising yes) that are tending to follow cam's ideas, and giggle at him or with him.

so, we discussed with him several things so that she heard us, and understood that we were there to solve the problem, and there is a part that each of us take in that resolution.

we told cam that it isn't an easy job being a leader, and he's heard that quite a bit this year. he agreed, with a knowing smile to me, a melt your heart kind of acknowledging kind of smile, you know? on the ice, at school, at home, in the neighborhood - he's a leader, and he recognizes it. but we also know that he is naturally a leader, and kids *do* look up to him, so it is what it is. we assured him that doesn't mean he can't be silly, and he can't always be serious (because let's face it - when you're nine that could be a burden) but there is a time and a place for that sillybehavior. school isn't such a place - or at least in the classroom, anyway. lunch, recess, sometimes gym (but the new gym teacher is a bit of, er, a militant guy, sadly, so not tons of *fun* happening there)

we also told him that our expectations are to work hard, focus, and keep the attitude that he can get the work done in a timely manner (not speeding to get to the next thing, though!) and get it done correctly. we stressed to him (and she agreed, which was really nice) that he is a very smart kid, and he can do the work that is expected of him, with flying colors to boot.

we agreed that a daily report can be stretched to a weekely report if he can keep that focus, and understand that he is being "watched" a little more closely. he wanted to try the weekly report, and seemingly was pleased with the fact that we were proud of the turn around he made. he seemed to drink it all in, truthfully, and appeared to be very happy to hear the compliments, and the commendation. he was positively affected by the discussion, we both thought, and we felt positive about the discussion.

but - i still don't like her very much, and neither does sean. and i know, in our advanced age, here, we don't have to like her. and neither does he. but we have to respect her, and get through the year with his self esteem in tact, and his academic prowess moving forward. it must be a positive, enriching year, and one that will enable him to be successful for years to come.

so, off we went. we saw the principal on the way out, and she smiled her knowing smile, and nodded to cam a gentle, "i support you, and believe in you, kid!" kind of winking nod, and he turned a light shade of red, and bounced out the door to the car. there, he turns to me and summed it all up for us.

"mom, dad, you know, it's like this: i like hockey so much more than third grade this year"

to which we responded, "yeah, cam, that's okay, but you can't play hockey unless you do well in school and actually PASS third grade; and maybe head off to 4th grade, and who knows eventually find your way to college a few years from now."

so he follows up with this: "you know, some NHL players don't go to college, but i want to go to college."

yeah, reality. it's a twisted place in the mind of a nine year old, right?

thinking thursday

today was a pondering kind of day. had some time to think, and wonder, and ponder, and even mull things over.

thinking a lot about my suggestions for me for the year 2008, and checking in on how i'm doing.

patience - wee bit better. still need work.
find time to play - smattering here and there ....
adventurousness - little bit
thinking before i speak - yes. definitely
exercising and eating better - yes. definitely.
speak kindly - yep

not bad, but still - need to work on it. planning some big organizational things for the weekend. we have just a little bit of hockey, and gymnastics was postponed for a meet.

gonna have a kendall and mom day, and cam and daddy day. :O)

had a meeting with the teacher today, and also a very interesting day in the Operating Room at one of my Boston hospitals! i'll write about those tomorrow ...

the brain is sleepy with all the thinking!

peace

it seemingly is restored here. dunno which hole it found to sneak back into the house, dunno how it slipped in, tiptoed around, and hunkered down for a little rest. don't really even care that it found it's way here, quietly. just that it's back.

i hope it unpacks it's bags.

i like her.

{relief}

steppin' up

3 years sunday was my anniversary with the company i am currently with as an employee.

3 years. it's been a great ride, for sure. i've mentioned before how much i love what i do. the people, the industry, and the sales process. not to mention the actual company. i know i don't talk much about work, and that's kind of intentional as it is a facet of who i am, yes, but it isn't "who" i am.
3 years ago, i approached this career change as a new chapter where i was going to be better balanced, and better adjusted to my life, as a whole. my previous job consumed me. it ate the best part of my days. and that forced some unnecessary unhappiness, an some severe imbalances. this was a change - a deliberate, and calculated change - i have found balance, and peace, and, and most importantly, i have found happy.

i have been very successful with sticking to the goals and journey i set out to do three years ago. and to that end, i am quite proud of me.
as a very positive outcome to that deliberate change, and determination to stick to the balance goals - i have also found the most success i have ever had as a sales rep. i am anticipating that i finished last year at either #1 or #2 sales rep in the company! (i will find out in Feb at our Nat'l meeting) i can't help but connect the two dots, and recognize that working smarter meant i didn't have to work harder. it meant that i could give 100% to work, when i could, and 100% to my family all the time. it meant that i can be held accountable with my boss, and managers, and provide them quality work, as well as be accountable to my family, and be a good mom and wife.

because of this attention to the "plan", and working hard to maintain a solid output of sales in this company, my reputation is solid, and positive, and i have been called upon to add some responsibility to my plate for the coming year, and perhaps into the future.
one nice thing, the upper management was made aware of my inability (and disinterest) to be a manager here at this company right now with my kids at the age they are, so we've worked together to clear a path and create a career journey for me. i am going to be a sales rep trainer for the company. I will still be a sales rep with my own territory, i am just assisting the new hires with getting up and running. i am so very excited about this wonderful opportunity, but also for the blank page in front of me, and the posibilites that it offers. there are SO many exciting changes that are coming down the pike with the company ... so glad that i am part of it!

so, i am steppin' up, and beginning a new chapter in the career book. i've been to the preverbial "top" in management, so i know what to expect. i also know what to avoid. i will be avoiding those things, you can be sure.

o.k.

i find it quite perplexing that the two letters that rarely come together in this house to form a word, are sitting right near each other on the keyboard of the computer.

OK

why is it so hard to sound those two out? why when you're 9 and 7 is is part of your determination and cellular balance to just negate that word from your entire vocabulary arsenal?

why must you be preprogrammed as a human baby, and perfect it through your small child years, to literally drive your parents into that abyss where they wonder if they will survive BECAUSE you can't just say it?

why is everything that you have in your body just asking you to buck the system of attempted parenting? i have good ideas. i do. why do you want to argue with everything?

why can't you just say OK? it's easy .. say it.

OK.

now try this, (a little test, let's say) i ask a question, or offer an unimaginable recommendation of oh, say, a healthier choice for that snack, and you respond with OK.

can't do it? i know ..... neither can they.

{sigh}

i am so tired. this is such a hard little phase we're in. remember, i mentioned it - a few days ago......

argue.

argue.

argue.

ack ack ack

i know that they are doing their job as kids. i know they aren't supposed to just agree, and be robotic little beings. i just don't want them to argue with the things that i say are happening. i still win, in the end. it's just a damn long way to go before the winning is over.

i've begun the little spin of "fight for the puck on the ice, fight to win a hockey game, fight for the starving animals in the world, and the injustices that you feel are so blatantly wrong (did i mention i am a wee bit tired?!) ..... but please don't fight with people - especially adults when they are your parents, or grandparents ..."

i am trying to make a point.

i am trying to keep the fight IN them, but not fight WITH them. get it?

just give me an OK, would ya?? :)

the sword ...

is mightier than the hand.

isn't that how that goes? ;)

tonight, cam asked if he could tape his hockey stick. he initially asked when i had him at practice, and i had said that daddy really is the *better choice* to do that with. so, once we got home, he was focused on gettin' it done with daddy. his pride was unreal. he was so excited that he did it all himself. he beamed, and asked if he could bring the stick upstairs with him to bed. i of course, had some questions for him.

why the tape over the tip? because that's how Ovechkin does it (NHL player he digs a little bit)

why the american flag stripe down the center? because the puck needs a target.

why did you want to do it yourself? because i can.

sure, kiddo, you can bring your stick upstairs.

apparently, he and his stick really made a connection this weekend. (not that he hasn't had that chance before this weekend .... he's been with it for quite some time) he sure had enough time to do so, however, with the 6 games (no, that was NOT a typo.) he had in the last 4 days. he had a tournament, and one of his regualr league games to attend this weekend. he played awesome in every single one. and that "sword" was mighty - he had the only goals and an assist in the tourney! and then topped it all off with a practice tonight where he skated his little tail around the ice.

the kid's addicted. in a really, really good way, though. he has his head on straight about it, and just wants to play. we are so proud.

tonight, he is sleeping very, very well, and that - *that* - is always a very good thing.

ten

our first fella turns 10 today. he has been a joy to have, and an amazing addition to our family.

Murphy. the big brown dog.

there have been times it was a 'journey' and challenging, and no different than any other dog.... and then there are times when i wonder how on earth we were so blessed with the BEST DOG ON THE PLANET ... and there is no way i can imagine our lives without him. i don't want to. i cannot believe he is 10 today.

double digits. {sigh}

he has slowed down the past few years. he doesn't exactly like going outside in the winter months. he doesn't move to the door quickly when called, and passes on the second or third "out" before bedtime, when the other two gleefully head outside at any time. he whines sometimes, and we aren't really sure why. he will sit next to us, and just whine, and give you his paw. i personally think he'd like to climb in our laps, and just be loved. so, i fall *just* short of the lap - and love him tenderly. i hold his paw, and pet it. i tell him daily how much i love all that he is, and brings to the table for me. for us. i talk to him like he is a grandfather here. he is an old soul, and always has been. my kids were always his kids, and he herded his flock like no other. he embodies the word love, and understands everything we say to him. he is a peach, and a gentle soul. i have never been so lucky with a dog.

he revels in the time he has with us, and wants to be near us.

he'll always be our first baby.

happy birthday, "Moosey". :o)

(sorry about the redeye, i tried to correct it, and i couldn't for some reason ....)

A-

on the surprise science test, and a great report 2 days in a row for the big guy, and we are feeling better here.

phew.

hope your friday is funday!

:)

struggle

we've entered a phase. knowing full well, that it, too, shall pass ... the phase is here. it's cleared a path, and it's staying for a little bit. it's also kicking my tail.

3rd grade is a transition. let me start with that. it ain't pretty, folks. what i've got here is a fella with a tremendous spirit, a charged soul, a fun loving attitude, and a go-get-em kind of energy. he is likely a handful anywhere he is, i know this. i live it, too. but not that handful in the way that the old people look at you when you have your rambunctious two year old at a park that won't.stop.for.a.second.to.wipe.his.nose kind of handful. no, this handful is the kind of handful that shouts good.gravy.that.child.is.busy.and.silly.and.magnetic in personality i want to be near him, handful. know the kind? yes, he's mine, i am biased, i admit. but, all biases aside, he is delicious in so very many ways. when the aforementioned old people would unsolicited, by the way, tell me about my hands being full with "that one", i would sweetly respond this way - 'no, actually it's my heart that's more full'. i wasn't being snarky, or rude, or even teaching a social graces lesson, not at all. but i would, quite often, notice that they would visibly step back, and take pause in the moment that this mom loves her rambunctious, energetic, and loving little fella. not unlike most mommies in the world, i would venture a guess. they would then smile, and it was clear i warmed their hearts. much like my heart does when i think of my kids.
so, with this personality, and this amazing spirit that he has. the teacher is so, soooo not what i could ever have imagined would drop into his life. third grade should be fun loving, engaging, sharing, and exciting. instead it's been a ... journey. she obviously doesn't feel remotely close to what i feel about my kid (and i am not naive enough to think that she even should) but she can show signs of liking him. sadly, we are one of 20 or so parents from this classroom with the exact same issues (hmmm ... is it the kids, or the teacher, right?). many have met with her, and discussed the issues, and strategically attacked the "behaviors of their children" with her. we on the other hand, haven't sat down officially, rather, we've talked unofficially at PTG meetings, and open houses, and when i am in the school, and she can speak. yesterday, we got a note home. among the issues addressed:
* forgetting his mail at school often (cubby filled with papers for children to bring to parents for communications as well as consistent description of work they are doing)
*in that mail, a notice that he had a unit test TODAY and he hadn't taken the notice home to us or the study guide (gee, setting him up to fail that test?!)
*behavior slip ups (like talking through lessons, and laughing at inappropriate times) for about 2 weeks (TWO weeks, and this is our first notice? thanks.)

so, the good parents we are addressed all points, reiterating (for the 4578786987598598 time that our expectations are being on your very best behavior, and remembering that you are a leader, kids look up to you, and fooling around/talking is not okay during lessons at school ... etc.) but focused on the test studying of course, as that was the priority for him last night. and i wrote a long letter back, expressing our concerns, very politically correct, i assure you, but also being sure to bring to light that forgetting your mail as a NINE YEAR OLD BOY isn't something that is a "problem" - it's called being forgettful. he is. absent minded even. NOT detail oriented. that's my frickin' job, forchrissakes. and i also shined a light on the fact that we are fully aware of the fact that she has pegged him as a 'chatty, silly, energetic boy', and truthfully, cameron has had the disruptive behavior addressed before earlier this year, and whe we discuss with him, he has adamantly assured US that he isn't the one every single time. sometimes, and yes, he does act up when he shouldn't, but he is trying to tell her he isn't the one every time, and maybe she is quick to judge based on reputation. the other thing i mentioned is the fact she is the first ever teacher to express any kind of behavior issues. not one other teacher (oddly, kendall has his 2nd grade teacher, and i even asked her if there were things she didn't tell me last year, and her response was 'absolutely not! cameron was a joy to have in the class!') has had these concerns. i know there is always a possibility of developing things, and learning new "material" when you're a comedian, and perhaps this is what's happening. additionally, i also fully recognize that he and she just have a personality difference. it happens.

however, he is also having some struggles at home with us. respect. it isn't awful, by any stretch, and it isn't even on the radar for most people - but it's a start. it's the testing that he is doing to see what we/i let him get away with. so, the intelligent, yet truly fearful of the "bad kid" developing mother that i am - i have decided that any and all disresepect (eye roll, snarky remark, attitude flexing ... etc) gets a response from me. in my infinite wisdom, however, the fatigue of this awful phase has pushed me to that limit - that edge we all teeter on - and i am not reasonable with the response. no, i am actually not doing what that intelligent, more understanding side of the mom brain that i USED to have would guide me to be doing.

instead, i have morphed into nutso-mom. nice.

bleck.

it's too much. with this post, i thee promise to chill the hell out.

the typing was cathartic, and mesmorizing. that and this quote have allowed me to gain some much needed perspective on this phase:

"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?"

moving forward with a new attitude. moving forward with some peace within myself, and the understanding that dangit, he's nine. he's only going to BE nine for 348 more days.

chill the hell out.

{dear heavens - if you're here at this point, thank you! that was long winded. }

vent

alright. so ... i generally will not be found complaining. it's not my nature. i don't like complaining, and i don't think it's productive - so to me, it's useless to do it. i am a solution finder. i am a solution person.

however, today, i need to vent.

and it's about my job.

and .... i never complain about this job, honestly. i love - and i mean love - this job. it's actually kind of abnormal how much i adore what i do. in a nutshell, i sell anesthesia products - not drugs - the airways. i work for the largest distributor of airways. the company has been coined as the revolution to anesthesia 20 years ago. i love the industry - not just the medical industry - it's true, i love medicine - but i love the segment of the population in medicine that i work with - anesthesiology. for the most part (chime in here, Nichole ;) anesthesiologists are happy to be where they are, they have humble attitudes, and they are willing to speak with "lowly sales reps". they regard *me* as a professional, and knowledgable, and they generally treat me as such.

except today.

i am in boston today, and an anesthesiologist just huffed out of the room that i am in inservicing and showing our newest, coolest product. he was fine, initially. asked me a question or two, and seemingly was receptive. then, his daggers came out, and he questioned everything, snide remarks flew (not loudly - but still) and he snuffed my responses off as "whatever, i know better". he was questioning things that aren't even appropriate to question, and was just a naysayer. put the device down, and literally stormed out of the room. there were 10 other people in the room (i am at a big hospital today) and not one person even flinched, or looked at us. it was blatantly apparent that he is just that way.

annoying.

honestly, i welcome the challenges. i welcome the questions. they all help me learn, and they help me grow. i am big enough to recognize that i don't know as much as any doctor, nor will i, unless i do what they've done in school. i am also humble enough to recognize that i am still learning about anesthesia. i don't come off as snarky, or pompous. confident, yes. i am confident in my knowledge. i am confident in my product. i've been in the medical industry now for, gulp, 20 years.

he, on the other hand, was a turd.

there, i feel so much better.

:) thanks for listening. back to 'rose colored glasses' for me.

heavy

so ... this is what we woke to yesterday morning .....

it's actually a large bush, not a tree, and the branches are typically much higher, of course.

and this is what i saw as i was driving down the windy road as i was approaching the house after i went to the gym ....

it's a little dark (sorry),took it through the windshield, but you get the idea, right? to the right beyond the brush is the country club, and wide open terrain, with the "best hills evah!" when you're 9 and 7 and want to go sledding, or boarding ....

we couldn't do that yesterday though as the wet, heavy snow makes something like this much better:

and you know what - he ain't heavy - he's (not) my brother. (little musical innuendo)

(but he could be my brother right now, my toes are frrrrrozen!)

we had a snow day off from school yesterday, and the kids had a quiet day here playing, making the little man, and enjoying some friends time together. hope your day was fun too ....

the return

of the kid that was ...

i didn't blog about this, and was really mulling it over, to be honest. you see, i had to process this myself, in my head, and my heart.

the mom in me was overwhelmed with fear. the athletic trainer in me was far too quick to make judgements.

on december 22, 2007 cameron was knocked out cold on the ice by an opposing player. he was out for only 6 or so seconds, but to me, to sean, and to all the eyes looking on the ice - it could have been 6 minutes. the kid that hit him was as dirty a player as i have ever seen. he had knocked down two of our other kids (no penalty) and received a penalty for crosschecking another one of our kids. then he illegally hit cameron by coming in to high on his body (i.e. his chin) and laying him out. this kid was 125 lbs. we were told by his team. for reference cam weighs 79 lbs. quite a disparity, yes? (i'll have to save my feelings about checking at the age of 8 for another post .... it'll be far too long!)

i'm pretty sure he was out in the air after the initial impact on him. he was 'wet noodle' in appearance in the air, and landed on his upper back/back of his head with his feet trailing after the hit. he didn't move. not one muscle. the coach leapt over the bench and brought cam around by his voice, and then told him not to move - until he felt comfortable.

thankfully, he was able to leave the ice on his own power, with his teammates. the game was over and we went to the lockeroom. he was not himself, at all. we brought him to the hospital, and the assessment, thankfully was quite positive. he had xrays, and they cleared his spine, and head of fractures. no neurological impairment, and he was cleared for hockey for the next weekend, only needing to take two days off the ice. (that was the part that he was more upset about - which we were pleased about as it could have been very opposite of that and he could have been terrified of playing again)

that next weekend he played a tournament with his team, there was no checking in that tourney, so he was perfectly fine, playing close to where he had been playing previous to the hit. then, he had 2 games in the league where they do check. he was so off his game, so tentative, and so not interested in being aggressive. while we completely understood, our awareness was heightened, as typical to having fear on the ice, there is a much higher liklihood of injury.

he wasn't talking about it. he was keeping it inside. then, we decided the best thing to do was discuss it. essentially, the outcome was this:

he needed permission to admit he had some apprehension of being out on the ice. he needed to process it and get it out of his head, and on the table. we granted that, of course, and told him how impressed we were that he was fearless enough to lace his skates (and mommy and daddy would be equally nervous had they been hit like that!) told him how proud we were of his leadership on this team (he is the oldest on the team, with the most experience) and how proud we were that he was working so hard at this. we also told him that he needed to be more aggressive, and NOT tentative because that's how you can get very hurt on the ice.

he got it. he really did.

it took him one more game to "test" the water, and throw some checks, but was keeping a distance from receiving a check.

then, we had a game yesterday that was a checking game.

something switched on in that head of his. he played out of his mind. he was aggressive, and excited, and pumped up. he scored a hatrick! one of his goals was totally unassisted.

all i said was 'thank goodness cam is back' and the parents agreed.

the dude returned.

thank goodness!

fun stuff

fun little game for a snowy (!) monday with the kids out of school ... and a relatively calm morning so far ....

one word answers only. just copy and paste, erase my answers, and then place your answers to the questions. here goes!

Your last meal: bagel
Something on your desk/work area: computers
Your New Year's Eve plans: friends
The smallest gift you received this year: lotions
The largest gift you received this year: monitor
Something you wish you hadn't eaten so much of during the holidays: cookies
On your feet: slippers
Your hair: up
How many other countries you've traveled to: two
One country you dream of visiting: Ireland
A hobby you'd like to take up/revisit this year: scrapbooking
A hobby of yours that died (aww, buh-bye) this past year: scrapbooking
A publication you subscribe to (print): parents
The most embarrassing subscription in your feed reader (if you have one): none
One of your favorite stores to window shop dreamily in: anthropolgie
One of your favorite online stores to window shop dreamily on: Boden
A color you love to wear: pink
Your bed pillow: soft
The color of your kitchen counter: grey
What you plan to do when you get up from the computer: gym

fun stuff!

go ahead, play!

change

it's always inevitable.

summer. fall. winter. spring.

the changes to the weather happen every year. the changes to the environment around us happen in cycles all year long. every year. i love the seasons. i really do. i am a native new englander, lived in 3 of the states, but been to each of them countless times. i don't think i'll ever move away from new england, but i am smart enough to know not to ever say 'never' because, well, because one never knows.

but the changes to the earth always astonish me, have always, and likely will always. especially the trees.

here is the tree in the front yard of the house this fall: november 2, 2007and it was an rarely seen super mild fall for us, so the leaves were on this tree far longer than the normal span of time.

and here is this tree today: january 12, 2008

amazing to me. and soon, just two short months from now, the buds of leaves will begin to show themselves on the tips of the branches. the sleepy time will be over, and the new birth of beauty will begin. they will be a beautiful flower, then the green of summer will express it's interest in hanging around for a few months ...

the cycle of change. and with each new start a feeling of renewal, of rebirth and regeneration. a chance to open the book, touch the clean page, smell the possibility, fill your senses with the feeling of fresh, and make a difference. make a change, complete the thought, or even improve on what's already there .... in essence, process the change.

maybe it all comes down to opportunity for me. change is an opportunity.

have a wonderful sunday - all. :o)

saturday

and the living is finally settled down.

workout for me at the gym at 7:00AM
gymnastics at 9:30 - 12:00
birthday party at 12:30
hockey game at 3:20 PM (an hour and a half away)
pick up birthday party kid
pick up another kid that's sleeping over here
pick up dinner
pick up much needed libations - adult versions
eat
sit down and watch the pats game

hope i don't fall asleep. :O)

i love the busy life i lead, i really do. makes me feel alive, and makes me feel so lucky to have children that are enjoying this life as much as we are~

have a great night, and see you tomorrow .....

lovey

in this house we encourage giving love enormously, receiving love graciously, and general use of your heart to promote positive things, and making others and yourself feel good. with this philosophy, sometimes there are inanimate objects that get the very best part of that love.

for the big brother, we have Hopper.

Hopper has been a part of this family for 9 years.

9 years and 9 days to be exact. if you're keeping track, that would be the very same day that the big brother made his debut.

Hopper probably knows all of his wishes, his dreams, his fears, and his thoughts. Hopper is his best pal, and he'll tell you that - without even the inkling of embarrasment. Hopper has been loved, and held, and cuddled. he has received kisses, hugs, held high honors of special placement on the bed each morning when he makes it, he has protected him through thunder and lightening storms, first days of school, and when he's been not feeling so great. one thing that cam will tell you, as well, is he has never been mishandled. he doesn't get roughhoused, or tossed around, or aggressively played with. he is there to be loved. and to give love. so loved, so much, that his covering wore out. about 7 years ago.

he was then gingerly turned over to mimi for "just a few minutes - i'll need him tonight" to sew a hockey jersey onto his body to further protect him. she heard the request, and listened. not one night has been skipped. not.one. Hopper received his new jersey and was tucked snuggly in the arms of his buddy that night.

Hopper is a traveler as well. he has been to California, Hawai'i, Florida several times, all over New England many times, New York, New Jersey, and several other locations. he likes to travel, as long as his buddy is within arms reach, waiting to keep him warm. Hopper has been a good friend. a friendship that is cherished, and admired.

then we have the little sister's bestest friend, Flopper. (have i mentioned the admiration thing here?) Flopper looks like this:
not to be left out, Flopper also has a 'covering' although hers was not due to wear, hers was truly a fashion statement. i mean honestly, have you ever seen a white bunny with a pink nose, NOT have a cute ballet leotard on? i digress ....

Flopper is a dear, sweet, patient little gal. she's been with the family for 5 years. she was acquired from the easter bunny one year, and when i tell you she stole the heart of the little sister? ... it was as if her heart jumped from her chest and into Flopper's! there is no doubt that Flopper has heard countless lessons on reading, writing, and arithmatic, as well as countless books read to her. i have witnessed and experienced high tea with she and the friends, and even an occasional gymnastic meet exhibition. she also has an esteemed, highly sought after, quite special location on the bed of the little sister each morning.

she also has several friends that are there scampering to squeeze in, steal that seat, if you will. the little sister, due to her undying need to take care of all things equally, and can love many things at once, will share her heart more freely, than say, the big brother - who reserves but one *seat* and one spot for just one fella. what i mean is, Flopper gets loads of love, and has a special place in the little sisters heart, she is spoiled, and hugged each night - very tightly - or she has her very own pillow with special blanket because "she isn't feeling well tonight, mom" and she travels quite a bit, as well. but there are others that tug at the old heart strings of little sister, too ... and the little sister has no worries about 'sharing the love' if you know what i mean. so, although Flopper is special, and she'll tell you this herself, she has friends that qualify for verrrry close seconds. and let's face it, we all need friends in this world.

so, i bet it won't surprise you when you hear about this:

that's humpty dumpty.

he was mine.

for a long, long time. a long, long time ago.

he's been sewn and patched, and washed and fluffed. he was my lovey. he and my blanket. my blanket unfortunately, is gone. my mom did the unthinkable to that when she was trying to "break me" of the thumb sucking. my blanket was the partner to the thumb. she couldn't cut my thumb, so she .... cut the satin off the blanket. {gasp} i know. her thinking was that if she took the part that i liked, i'd stop automatically. it didn't work. i found the satin in the garbage and replaced it with the other part of the blanket. hey, i wanted what i wanted. i sucked my thumb until i was 12 (and i am a well adjusted, reasonable adult who has very straight teeth and NEVER had braces - take THAT you orthodontists!!) i had small pieces of that satin for years, but by the time i finished sucking my thumb, it was gone.

gone but not forgotten. obviously.

so, i digress again. my blanket and humpty were my pals. they knew all my wishes, and dreams, and stories, and fears. they traveled, and sat high atop my bed, in a special place waiting for my warm love at the end of the day, or when we both needed it. they were best of friends, never roughhoused with, or mistreated, or mishandled. loved.

loved like they deserved. and they loved me back. i knew they did.

and i still have humpty. if i have anything to do with it, the big brother and the little sister will have their best friends when they are thirty-something too.

boxed thanks

so, i was hemming and hawing over the gratitude collector that i was going to use for the entire year in '08. i wanted to be creative, and make something ... i was so inspired by the creative geniuses and their webpages, and blogs that i drool over. but the inspiration was .... well ..... my fingers never did the walking on that inspiration, sadly.


so, as the days inched closer to the beginning of the new year, and the beginning of the new "book" of gratitude i was hoping to begin, i was fretting over the actual vehicle i'd use. last year (since october 12, when i had started) i was using a simple bound notebook to record my gratitudes. while i loved the simplicity of said notebook, i wanted .... more.


fast forward to the night before christmas. i received a lovely box-o-magic (aka: lotions, soap, salts, scrubs, pampering goodies) from my uncle's wife. it looks like this:



it is padded, covered with this terrific print canvas, and sturdy. oh, and on the rather large side. not enormous, but sizable. i emptied the goodies into my bathroom, and used them of course (fabulous as always! new scent for me - goatmilk, yum!) and then found myself with this large, empty, pretty, box.


empty. box.

so, i took my little treasure, and masterminded my "vehicle" for gratitude. i found several small pieces of scrapbooking scrap papers and cut them into 2x2, 3x3 and 4x4 ish size, and on them i write my gratitudes for the day. some days are longer than others, and because i have different sized papers, i just choose which size that day, and then i place them into the box, and have been since the 1st of jan.

it will not be organized at the end of 365 days of 2x2s and 3x3s and 4x4s for sure ... and that is just so very cool. i honestly think that is the best part about it. i will be able to reach in at any time and grab any one of the pages, and read what made me happy on any old ordinary day during the year 2008.

way, way cool. i love it!

i have been gathering all my thoughts on this idea/project, and the other suggestions i have for myself for the year. i have a partial list, and these are really only a segment of what i want to accomplish. there are other, more personal things that i have here staring me in the face day in and day out. but they don't need to be blared all over the internet. :o)

- be patient. period.

- blog / write more often. and project 365

- start and finish 4 books that have been patiently waiting for my warm hands to hold them

- take a digital photo class

- take a crafting class of my choice (i am leaning towards glass blowing, pottery, or painting)

- be adventurous, find more time to play

- be grateful. write it, everyday. tell it, everyday.

the schedule

working on keeping the big fella (see large paw in two posts below) awake longer into the evening so that he stays asleep longer in the AM.

currently, he snoozes for most of the evenings (7:30- until we go to bed) and goes to his crate at that time, and then decides that 5:00AM is a good time to let us know he's bored with his crate.

yeah. 5:00AM.

not so much fun. and really, i am not all that interested that he's bored with his crate. really, not so much.

he only goes in that thing at night, and he has friends in there, soft blankets in there, and it's the size of a small apartment. he's so spoiled during the day that he hasn't been in his crate for longer that 2 hours on any day - and that is so few and far between i cannot even remember the last time he had to be in there during the day. one of us is home on and off during the week.

so, today - tonight actually started a new little schedule for the large-pawed createn. he hasn't been allowed to snooze since 7:30 - playing with him, and interrupting him when he is snoozing ... and he and i are about to embark on a little adventure outside. i will be walking him this evening. normally, we have all three just go out and do the business before bed. not lots of playing going on at the last 'drop' of the night - if you know what i mean.

tonight, well, tonight all bets are off. time to fatigue the fella.

thank goodness for the mild temps, and safe neighborhood. otherwise, he and the tall redhead that lives here would be venturing out for the evening walk.

i'd watch from the window, though. be sure they were safe and all.

we'll see.

home

in line with the simplifying - and de-cluttering - i snapped this shot of our previously heavily holiday adorned mantle. it now has very little on it (plant on one side, and a family statue on the other) besides this wonderful reminder of our "center", and angel given to me by my mom, and the really pretty mirror edging that hangs above it. i swear everytime i look into the living room i am happily reminded of the simple decor and the changes that were made there. i love the fresh, clean look. i think i am rubbing off on the redheads here too... they seem to be simplifying as well. ah ... good stuff.

and because my friend Nat asked for a perspective shot - this will make you smile, i would think. :o)

that my friends is the paw of a 10 month old (on the 12th) newfie ... he has said paw on an 8"x8" ceramic tile, and that's my dad's tape measure. 4"paw.

large, and cuddly. he looked me right in the eye when he saw the camera (again!) and stretched out as far as he could. then i laid the tape next to his paw, he looked at it, and put his head right back down. totally not interested. he kills me. truly a gentle spirit.

did ya' smile? ;)

all kinds of happy

i think i can already feel that unquestionable weird feeling that you get in the winter stretch between the holidays and the spring. you know that winter-is-going-on-and-on feeling? and what's weird is the fact that our weather was beautiful today. literally 48 degrees. i had on a spring -ish coat. maybe i am anticipating a whack from 'ole mom nature after this week (expected temps in the 50's all week!) and that is making me have the on-and-on feeling. i dunno. the good part is i am not duldromming it. it's actually not at all bad. maybe it's the let down, the post-chaotic blues.

so, to add to my gratitude word of the year, i have made an internal paradigm shift. (how's THAT for a big girl word?) i have come to the assured resolve that things are going to be simplified in my life, around my life, and affecting my life. over the last two months (and most of this happening in the last month) i have purged the closet of my kids (actually found some size 4T in Cameron's - ahem, but it hasn't been THAT long - honest). i have purged my closet (dear god, LONG overdue). i have re-arranged the decor in the house where the holiday decor was, and simplified/removed excess (trinkets and dust collectors GONE). i have, with the help of my dh, simplified the garage, and cleared away the excess (organized and UNcluttered my work things). we have, all together, in several shifts, cleaned out the basement and tossed the crap that accumulates down there (i.cannot.detail.this.one) and probably most efficiently, lately i am simplifying my thoughts.

now, many that know me will argue that i am not a complicated thinking gal. i may be complicated to figure out at times, but my thinking is pretty straight forward - as well as my actions. straight shooter, i am. so, this isn't that far fetched to the average observant bee. but you know, for me, it's a stretch sometimes. for me, the one who lives in my brain, well, it is a challenge to make this change.

you see, i want to over-think things in my own head. i want to analyze, and disect, and detail things to a point that has been known to be painful to say, the tallest red head i live with. so, i want to peel the layers off this part of me. i want to just easily, uncomplicatedly, and just pleasantly think the thoughts that involve the matter at hand. the subject that is discussed. no alterior motives, no what if's, no extra balogny. just hear it, think the thought through, and respond.

don't get me wrong, i will have opinions, and deeper thoughts, but i need to compartmentalize the important stuff that requires the analyzing, and disecting, and deep, complicated thinking. and save the easier, less stressful, bigger picture items for the lighter, fluffier side of thinking.

are you following me?

so, anyway, part of the simplifying has to do with enjoying the little things. breathing a wee bit more, and exhaling the held breath to drink in all the goodness that is around me. tonight, i had a moment of that. tonight, my dh took both the kids to thier activities - gymnastics and hockey practice. and although i had nothing pressing to do, nothing that *needed* to be completed, i sat here, finished an email or two, made a nice dinner for the troops while they were out (chicken pot pie, rice, and corn - a family fave!) lit the candles, turned on JT, hugged the canine inhabitants a little too much, and chilled the heck out. the only thing missing was a nice glass of wine ... you know, i was more inclined to have a hot cup of tea tonight.

i like this simplifying thing. it feels good to slow down and enjoy the things that i am grateful for.

and on that note, i will leave you with a snapshot of another little thing (okay, so it isn't so *little* but still ...) i am over-the-top grateful for.

my 10 month old Newfie - Higgins' front paw. his favorite game to play with us during his sleepy-time evenings is 'paws'. he lays on his back, groans like chewbacca from Star Wars, and has both paws in the air batting at us, stretching out as far as he can to reach our hands. as he played that tonight with cam, i heard cameron tell him 'i love you higgins, i am so glad that we bumped into miss judy in maine so that we could take you home with us'. :O)

all kinds of happy with that ... all kinds.

sunday

the day before the onslaught of the 'have tos'

hate the have to stuff.

so, i will reflect on the wanted tos from the weekend

- three hockey games
- gymnastics practice
- nice long walk with all three dogs
- went to the gym (6 days straight!)
- slept past 7:00AM today (and so did Higgins!)
- purged my closet and gathered some donations (trying to simplify everything here ...)
- helped cam start his big 3rd grade project due in three weeks
- didn't eat dinner tonight (yes, that was a wanted to!)
- made some yummy calzones for a late lunch - hence the above wanted to!
- sat and watched tv for an hour

there was more i wanted to do ... and didn't get to. so, i will sprinkle them into the upcoming week, and see if i can squelch the have tos. never did like them. they deserve some squelching :)

so, with that, off to change the bed and climb into nice clean sheets! yumm ...

have a great sunday night .....

the number

so, early on in this hockey experience, my dad - the man singlehandedly responsible for c's hockey addiction - he has this conversation with cam. and i mean early - as in 4 years ago perhaps.

cam: but, i was number ___ {insert number here} last year, i *have to* be that number again, poppi.

poppi (aka my dad) : you can be a new number, that one looks like it's been taken.


cam: but i need to be that same number.


poppi: is there another number that you could get used to?


cam: what if that (old) number brought me all the luck?


poppi: it isn't luck that helps you play as well as you do. :o)


cam: but that number was mine.


~~~ ... and here's the magic folks ~~~


poppi: no, cam, the player makes the number, the number doesn't make the player.


and with that line, cameron has never *needed* the same number. he has been given the same number, for the last few years. kids know him as number 2. and he loves it. what's really cool? my brother was #2 in hockey his whole career too. so there is sentimental feelings towards that number.

this is a photo of the end of his hockey bag. santa brought this bag, and he absolutely loves it. his name is on the side of it, near the zipper in huge 3" letters, brown and white. each end has a number 2 on it.

ownership. and it's only a season at a time.

she

brightens the days

livens the nights

captivates me

entertains me

makes me smile

makes me pause

helps me breath

makes me laugh

completes the family-of-4 of us

allows us to be

loves everyone - and TELLS them

makes so many friends

enriches those lives that she touches ... just by being

she is a gift. a present that we get to unwrap for years to come.

some days i wonder how i got so lucky. why was i chosen to be the mommy?


you could say i am having one of those moments of gratitude ......

the word

so, last year there was a prompt at a blog that i read - ali edwards's - she asked that we all think of an insipiring word for the year. have this word encapsulate everything you do, touch, feel, act on, breath .. you get the picture. so last year's word was enjoy for me.

in all, i believe that i worked that word into many things during 2007. it did enjoy the year, and felt it was a good word to inspire me to move forward and successfully find a way to like what i was doing .... there were times of course that i didn't enjoy, or even remember that i was supposed to enjoy the things i was doing. and that makes me rather disappointed. but human, i suppose.
i don't think i posted my word anywhere as a reminder that i even had a word, to be honest. i should have posted it right next to my "suggestions" for myself. each year, i type them (my suggestions) and tape them to the wall near the computer and my desk. i have several past years taped together to remind me of the lists i have completed (you know, lists make me happy) over the years, and of course, feel rather successful when they are completed. last year, i *did* hear the suggestions i made for myself all year, and i will report a very successful year for those suggestions (they include but are not limited to: more couple time {check}, save $$ {check}, stay more focused on tasks at hand {smaller check, but check}, more cooking in {big check!}, stick with exercise program and eating better {check}, and land in a better finish position with work {check, but will comfirm once i get to the nat'l sales mtg in feb}) so to that end, i tried to stick close to the suggestions, and for the most part did stick close.
in any event, i was enjoying many, many things throughout the year.

but, i digress .... this year, along with the suggestions i have made (taped to the wall beside my desk) i am posting my word for the year.

gratitude

for some reason that word is speaking to me.

loudly.

i began a gratitude journal three months ago, and have been writing in it each night. i have layed out a 2008 gratitude journal plan for myself, and will stick with it, certainly throughout the year. i find myself feeling thankful for so many things lately that in recent years i have taken so for granted. for insatnce, the health of my children, the health and presence of my husband, the ability to be so flexible with my job to be where i need to be for the kids and family, the ability to provide for the family, spending time with my extended family ..... so many things, and each of them giving me pause, deep pause, lately.
along the way, there have been incidences of other folks NOT being so fortunate (a friend's 5 year old daughter diagnosis of cancer, people losing their jobs unexpectedly, and thus their homes, sudden deaths of friends parents, and spouses, families being separated through military and other things forcing it .. etc) and these are the things that get me to thinking "gee, karin, you are so lucky ... so fortunate to have all that you have .... have you said thanks?"

and with this reflection, i find myself, for whatever reason, deepening the questions of my faith. it has been a journey for sure, and one that i haven't shared here, as it's on a level so personal i don't want to necessarily reveal that. sean and i continue the journey, and the discovery, and the place for us. for our family. but i hear the stirring in my soul that being grateful runs very deep with me. and i often wonder if it is tipping into that arena and asking me to seek beyond what i am seeing right in front of me.
i don't know the answer to that. but i intend to discover it through feeling thankful, and revealing my gratitude. and maybe, just maybe, discovering some things i have been keeping asleep somewhere else.

Number 9 ... Number 9

nine? NINE!!

my first born baby is aging up today. he is getting closer to the double-digit area and that, THAT freaks me right the heck out.

Happy Birthday, sweet, tender, kind, crazy, active, loving, athletic, genuine, gracious, smart, wonderful, warm, huggable, squishable, silly, comedic, agreeable, marvelous

9 year old! woohoo and bwhaha. :O) :O(

2008

the beginning

and

the end

i have always liked new year's

it's a fresh start to begin again

it's a farewell to what's behind - good and bad

the resolve is there again. it always is. i am historically pretty good about making some suggesstions to myself about new things that i'd like to participate in. they are typed and printed, and hanging at my desk. the possibilities are endless now ... a new page. a new chapter. a whole new book lies before me. again.

one of my 'suggestions' to myself is spending more time here - writing. and taking more photos, then organizing them. i think i am {gulp} going to make a leap and begin my own project 365. i am going to take a photo a day to chronicle my life for one year. dunno if i'll post the photo every day, but i will *take* the photo everyday.

today i took a funny one:

and it's one that says a thousand words without even speaking. that's my pup, with a message. and a patient, kind, gentle soul.

so with this, it begins. the new year. the new page. the new chapter.

cheers, all!