there are moments

in life that give you pause. this past week was one of those moments for my family and i.

my aunt passed away unexpectedly last monday. she took her own life. i am struggling with the concept, the actual event, and the fact that she is gone so suddenly. i've not had anything like this (suicide) since i was a small girl when my friend's dad took his own life, but i was shielded from that as a 7 year old, and never really knew the details, or anything. and it was a shock, as well as a sudden rug-out-from-under-me with my aunt. to say it mildly, this has been a week of pain. my children are struggling with this news, as my aunt's only grandson is their good friend, same age, and spent lots of time with him. their struggles are feeling as if 'this can happen to ben, this can happen to me too'. my uncle and she were divorced many many years ago, however, i had always stayed in touch. and was very close with the children, my cousins.

the memorial service was lovely, and very comforting to her children, and family. her longtime partner, bill, is really having a difficult time. unimaginable.

keep her in your thoughts today, if only for a moment. and keep bill there as well. i hope he finds some peace with this, and some comfort in knowing that she is no longer in pain.

it's been wonderful!

i always find it funny when people speak of their married lives, and lament over how 'making it' to a certain year has been challenging, or at best, shocking they got there. i have always wondered why anyone would say that about a person that they chose to spend the rest of their lives with. they pledged their heart to that person, and i for one, protect my heart and my love. often too, they created life, through love, with that person, and have children.

don't get me wrong, i don't live this disillusioned life where everyhting is roses, and sweet cheery pleasantries. sure, we've had bumps and bruises along this path, but celebrating eleven years as this man's wife, and life partner has been anything but challenging.

as i sit back and look at the time we've been together (22 years { gulp } i've known him. 13 years as a couple) i don't say things like "i can't believe we've lasted" or "how will i do another 11?!" what i find myself saying is this:

i am the lucky one
i thank my stars that someone sent me you
i am so happy that our children get to call you daddy
i am so excited for the next 111 years with you
and
i am more in love with you today than i was yesterday

happy anniversary, hon. 143 always.

xo me

witty

have you, unlike i, been previously introduced to the website mixwit? i so wish i had been told about this ages ago .....

go, quickly, and check it.

you can mix your own TAPE. yes, i said tape. you download music onto an old fashioned tape (your choice, using any search vehicle) and once you save it, the tape you created will pop up larger on your screen, and it rolls through the music as if it were playing in an old fashioned tape recorder.

i'm a little addicted. i've already got three tapes with about 200 songs, and i'm working on several more. it's great fun, and so ..... old fashioned! my kids cracked up at the tapes on the computer.

go. have fun. listen to music!

this face

it's been a while since you've seen this family member ....

he is absolutely fabulous. he turned 19 months last sunday ... still a babe. just having him in the room will make anyone smile. he is a personality unlike that of anything i've experienced. he is charming, and funny, and silly, and adoring.

and we all believe that soon, one day in the very near future, he's going to blink his eyes, and begin to answer the questions we ask him. we can all feel it.

oh, and living with an 8 year old girl will always give you plenty of pampering .... like pigtails when you need them most.

you know, for the photo shoot.

yum. yumm. yummm.

i can barely speak i am in such a blissful happy full tummy level. we have a new bakery that opened near us. in reality, coming from the bakery haven (hundreds upon hundreds of mom and pop bakery locations ALL over!) that this area is, this information isn't exactly news worthy .... on most levels. i consider myself a bread expert. ask my belly, it'll tell you the truth. (fwiw - i laughed heartily at the Atkins diet - "eliminate carbs?! you crazy?! i'll die. right there. the first day. dead.")

back to the matter at hand .... bread. this bakery is so yummy, and so different. breads, treats, peet's coffee, and delicious wholesome mixes to make world famous pancakes at your house. it's all made with whole grain flour and premium grains.

you've likely got one nearby. quick - google it, and then run there. goodness gracious. .

great harvest bread co. is the name .... and it is so true. GREAT harvest - natural products, wholesome, nutritious, and 100% whole wheat flour. i purchased the cinnamon chip bread (it was HOT when i left the store ... good heavens to betsy) and i also purchased the monastery creamed honey spread in cinnamon flavor. SO not butter. honey with a dash of flavor.

absolutely outstanding. i didn't want my piece to end, so i savored it with a wonderful cup of tea.

and i'll be savoring a second piece once the kids get off the bus, and have one with me ... just 1 hour and 50 minutes from now. ..... 49 minutes. 48 ..... :)

gorgeous

hayride enjoying. pumpkin picking. sunshine feeling. apple gathering.

butterfly watching .... mum loving.

i adore fall. i simply *heart* it.

the lift

it's been a ride ... dunno know if i mentioned, cam's been in a new hockey league. we made a decision after 7 great years with the organization that he was with since he was 2, to give him the shot with the better hockey league in the state, and region. the change has been, to say the least a learning curve. the league is terrific, and very competitive. he is in the right place. no question, the right place now.

let me back up. they pursued him for 3 years prior to us "giving in". they asked him to be part of the team and the league, and we resisted. "he's very close to his teammates, he's made a name where he is, we're loyal ...." etc. long and short, this was the best move we could have made for him. even with the learning curve that we expected. he ultimately made the decision, he wanted to give it a shot. he was excited to work harder, and be part of a much better team and league.
he had no idea how hard he'd have to work. we had no idea this change would be so tough.

for the past month and a half he's been in a place that was a very new and uncomfortable place for him. he's been tentative, and thought - FULL while skating. he hasn't been intuitive. he hasn't trusted his gut, he hasn't let his instincts take the lead (as he had for 7 years) and he's been hesitant to play the way he normally does. he's been another kid on the ice. he's been so down, and so sad.

that all changed the last two days.

he's had some meetings with coach, he's had some long and deep chats with us, and he's gotten to know himself better through time, and thoughts - alone, and with his teammates.

today though, there was a clearing. a lift.

he scored a goal. his first goal as a Capital. it was against the 2nd place team in the league, and they are ranked 5th in the age group in the country. cam's team is ranked 12th.

he was visibly lifted. i asked sean if he also saw the weight from the kids shoulders move away from him towards the ceiling of the rink. he had two of the best games that we've seen him play, and the coach was elated. you could see the weight lifted from him as well. they were winning the game, and they were playing their heart's out. it was a wonderful thing.

and the best part of the game today is that i saw the return of my guy to the ice.

thank goodness. :)

rAnDoM

thoughts and things ......

trying to get some sort of a recycling logo on my email signature stamp, and I find this one hilarious. I can't resize it, though so I don't know how I can get it on my sig.

making shepherd's pie for dinner ..... I know I've done this before and "featured it" here. But this one is Rachael Ray's (adore her!) and it's from my likely favorite cookbook of hers on days like this (yet ANOTHER rainy/dreary Sunday afternoon .... {sigh} )

the little gal and I worked together to get it done while the boys were off to (what's hopefully) Cam's final tryout for the AAU baseball team for next year (yes, you read that correctly)

(notice the jammies ... she actually changed to go to the grocery store with me, and when we returned, she changed back .... comfort a priority in this house?! yes, thankyouverymuch)

the meat. with carrots and corn. and worceshire, and beef gravy (homemade, I'll have you know. and the recipe didn't even call for homemade ... you know me, adding a step is what i do best!)

the finish line .... well, almost. gotta broil it, but timing that part for the boys arrival home. I know you're just dying for the actual recipe, but I don't actually want to type the whole thing out. no, that's not entirely true.

yes, yes it is. :)



busy week last week. relatively busy this week, but there is a really special treat of a trip to see my 3 month old niece in NY. Yay! (gotta get busy finishing the baby gifts ..... ) I have a work meeting near her house, so I am visiting she and my sil and bil. Looking very forward to it.



and my last random thought .... anyone else really shocked at the price of feeding a family these days? I went to the gorcery store, and limited my choices (mostly because I didn't need a "big shop" ... or so I thought) and the bill was just about 200.00! How does that even happen? I need to get better at coupon clipping, and watching sales.


You know, in my spare time. I need a secretary.

Hahaha, that's a good one.



Have a wonderful Sunday evening ..... and be sure to fill your belly with something yummy tonight .... and spend the night around the dinner table talking about the week that past and the fun stuff that's coming up! That's what I'm doing ..... :)

sign of shine

these beauties are in my garden .... and i just had to come and share them with you. it's been raining for 5 straight days here, and today, just moments ago, we saw the greatbigballintheskythatresemblesthesun! it was so exciting that all of us (even the kids here eating from around the neighborhood) all went to the window and said ...."waoh. the sun!" it lasted for about 3.8 milliseconds (at least it felt like that) and then went behind the clouds again.

{sigh}

so, i thought, heck, i'll post a sign of shine and see if i can coerce the greatbigballoffire to make another appearance ..... soon.

but i gotta say, too, do you notice in the second picture, the enormous grasshopper in the flower? that flower is about 6 inches in diameter .... that's one big 'green hopper! :)

so ... hi!

{waving sheepishly from the wings of the stage ....}

oooo, it's been a little bit here. and honestly, i have been meaning to get here to post some things, but life keeps getting in the way. you know, work, kids, husband, house, dogs, kids, activities, kids, husband, work. yada yada yada. we all have the same story.

BUT - i've got tons to say, but no time to do it. i've been cleaning and purging for a few weeks, and today, with my kids and husband. dear heavens you should SEE the basement! there is a floor down there, people! but here's my issue - i don't want to lose the groove i've got going .... so, instead of sitting here, typing, wasting some time, i'm heading to my closet to get rid of many, many things. i made a promise to me that if i haven't worn it in a year, it's going. to a women's shelter.

i've got photographic evidence of the busy we've been in. and i swear ... soon i'll post it~!

so, seeya, off to the closet. :)

nature things .....

we've been playing a little bit here. enjoying the beginning of the fall, and checking into some routine that's been missing.

the other day i ventured to "frog pond" with the squirts. i'm embarrassed to say that i have never been there - it's been 4 years at this house - and i've not gone into the little area the kids discovered and told us all about. they named the little stream-and-brush area that because once they were there, talking and hanging out and there were 4 or 5 frogs just chillin' in the water. in truth, i don't think ANY of the adults on the street have been there, though ..... so, perhaps i was the first. and you know, it's a cute little area. it's a run off location for the rain water from the street. that's what makes the "pond" area. the water looks like a little brook and thank goodness it's clean and flowing only slightly so i'm not too worried about the depth (it's about and inch or so)

it's a little ways into the 'woods' here. it's found at the end of the cul de sac on our street, and it's about 300 yds in. lots of overgrown brush, and grass, and weeds. we sang and laughed on the way in. clearly happy that i was going with them. and with a camera!

and the view through the trees made me stop and think about how much we let get in the way of our day. stopping for a moment to look at the sunshine in our lives peeking through the leaves is so important~

and on the way out of our little adventure .... this is what we found on the weed next to the end of the journey ..... we're hoping to find her again as a beautiful butterfly!

and they just told me that they've seen her in the same location the next day, but the head was pointing in the other direction .... "we're hoping to find a puipa soon, and then the cuccoon, and then the butterfly." :)

so, we're now heading to get some ice cream as we venture off to the airport to get daddy from his business trip.

happy nature!

7 years

and it still feels like it happened last week.
I am stilled by the memories.
I am aware of the wounds that remain open.
I am in awe of the resilience.
and I am forever changed.

like so many.

9-11-01

A few days ago I watched Flight 93. I had never seen it, and truthfully, chose not to see it until this past Monday. But I was moved to watch it this past week. It was close to impossible to watch for me, and so difficult to wrap my head around the circumstances that the families were handling. I cried my eyes out. Every emotion that I felt the day it happened 7 years ago flooded my brain, and tore at my heart. It was so hard to watch. I kept having to remind myself that this wasn't fiction .... this was fact.

Cam had asked to watch it, so we TiVo'd it and I told him I would preview it, and see if he was "able" to watch it. I erased it immediately after I viewed it. There was no way he was watching that movie.

We have changed so much as a society, I feel since that time, and we've seen some amazing things come of it.

I saw this on another blog that I visit and thought it was poignant for the day today. ** update: This is one of Mother Teresa's favorite poems written by a man named Keith Kent .... and it's perfect. and I'm not religious by any stretch. but this hits it on the head.

have a peaceful day .....

Do It Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, some could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

watching him hurt

might be one of the hardest, and most emotionally charged part of being a parent. seeing your child, the flesh and blood that you created hurt, for whatever reason, brings me to my knees. there has to be an audible sound - a cracking - of my heart breaking. a raw tenderness consumes me as i watch him succumb to the sadness.

he didn't make a team.

it's the first time in his young life of athletics that this has happened, and he feels it. he knows it's the first.

and it hurts.

it was an aau baseball team for 10 and unders. there were 30 kids, the coach was taking 11. he was most likely a "bubble man". sitting in the bridesmaid spot of 12 or 13 as the choice. not selected.

*ouch*

but the silver lining in all of this, the reasonable side - big picture painting, if you will - rejection builds character. rejection makes you relive the moments of the trial, and improve, reach deeper, and be better the next time. rejection makes you more hungry. rejection, especially at this age, makes you realize that hard work will have to carry you, because talent isn't the only thing that can. rejection makes you a bigger, better soul. and it widens your heart to others that have been rejected. the company you now are in has a brotherhood - a strength.

and the determination and drive that you find from here can sometimes be exactly what you're in need of to take your 'game' to the next level. that's the teachable moment here. we're taking that to the bank, you can bet on it. it's fuel, and motivation. it'll be a wonderful carrot to lead the big guy with for many tryouts ahead of him.

in truth, baseball is cam's second sport, but has rapidly become an incredible passion. if we were in a warmer climate, i've no doubt that baseball would move quickly into the #1 spot, but weather limitations to outdoor practices here inhibit the level to which most kids get to. that and the time we spend in the ice rink, as well. so this is a crushing blow to the wee fella, as he played on a 9U aau team this summer (with many of those kids leaving that team/organization due to the coaching, cam decided to go to another organization and give it a whirl) this new tryout was with a more competitve organization, and there were lots of kids looking to be part of it, as well.

watching his reaction to sean telling him he wasn't selected was so hard for me. he took it very hard, and was deeply affected by it. i welled up with tears. sean's heart was visibly breaking, too as cam processed the information. he was devastated.

it hurt, down deep.

and to think - it's only the beginning.

{sigh} this parenting is thing is not easy.

8

my dear k-gal,

it's hard for me to even type the words that best describe my heart right now. it is bittersweet to see yet another year move rapidly forward and bring you ever closer to the grown up version of my baby. i never thought that i was going to be lucky enough to have one, but i had two angels given to me. how was i chosen to have the honor of being your mom!? you teach me every day. you reach places in me that i can truly say it is because of your skill and gifts that find them in my soul. you make me a better person, a better mom, and truly a better wife to daddy. i love all the pieces of you. and the way they fit into the pieces of this family puzzle.

you shine like an evening star. you clear the mountain tops of the morning clouds in an instant with your smile. you bring such amazing energy to the place that you are in - wherever it is - and you glisten with the gentle, tender heart that you own. you spread your love, and your warmth to every living creature that touches your soul, and you in turn, change the world with your impact - how you change the workd! everyone and everything is better for the touch that you bring. you are magic, and beauty wrapped into a ball of red-hair and smiles. the giggles, the dancing, the singing, the joy - it's that spirit, that unbridled peace that you share willingly and lovingly.

you inspire!

thinking that you've been here for eight years gives me pause. how can it be? where has the time evaporated to? where is that rolly baby with the grin that stopped traffic? where is the wee one that watched intently as her brother merrily entertained her for hours, and hours?

your tenacity, and strong will are two things that i can surely say i've passed on to you - you are a force to be reckoned with, and one that packs a mighty result. you are stubborn, and persistent. you are charasmatic, and charming, and you are steadfast, and tireless. qualities indeed to be channeled in ways that will serve you well as you grow in this world. you will be strong, and accomplished. you will see it no other way. i've no worries about your placement as you grow. you'll always land on your feet, and find the best path. your heart will guide you here in this area, as well. and you will methodically, and cleanly make your decisions.

no regrets allowed!

but by golly, my heart does ache for the pain that comes with being a tender hearted, caring, and very open little girl. how i wish i could shelter you from the sting of lost love, or anger, or even the pain of sadness. if i could, i'd throw my blanket of love around you and tie that knot so that nothing could move in to hurt you, and nothing would make you cry - not ever. how i wish i could be the one to keep the bad guys away, forever. i'd be there to wipe every tear, and hold you close so the monsters went away. but i can't do that. i can only groom the wings that you sprouted that august morning back in 2000, and then i have to let the wings do the job they've been waiting to do. for a little while longer, though, i'll keep you close. hold you when i can - and love you with all of my heart. that, i'll do forever.

i'll let you show me the way to grow.

but i've gotta tell ya, i'd keep you eight forever if someone asked me to!

happy birthday, my sweet baby girl! may today be the beginning of a wonderful year!

i love you more today than yesterday.

and all the way to the moon and back.

three times.

xo, mommy

**(post started 8.22.08) **

shake it

up just a smidge ... check out the new colors, links, blogs, and design sites that have been catching my interest lately ..... and for a while too.

be back soon with a BIRTHDAY post! :)

a new day

and it feels like there are some clouds lifting from my head .... and my soul.

i think it may be related to the angst and fears of "new teacher/new class/new school year" kind of stuff. that and new adventure career wise for sean that started a few weeks ago.

what's really strange is this: for 9 1/2 and (gulp!) 8 years, we've been so focused and geared towards working with our resistent to transition children, and in all honesty WE too resist the transitions. well, i do. sean is likley better - he's so resilient, and embraces change with gusto. i ease in, and touch the water with one toe. once there, i'm full steam ahead, but getting there is the journey. my kids are the very same.

so, although we only tipped the toe in the water on monday, it in effect made me breathe a smidge easier. and the light began to come through the trees more brightly.

i think i'm sighing. a release, gentle sigh.

one step.

the new school year

is looking pretty good! we had the annual hot dog roast tonight, and it was a smashing success ..... don't want to jinx us, but the two teachers seemingly are wonderful! and the very best part - oh, the sheer joy! - both kids have good friends WITH them in their classes! something that was missing last year for the two of them! yay!

it's a sigh of relief to say the least ... knowing how often i had come here to vent, release, cry, and just hammer away over some of the 'transition' things that cam was going through, and the teacher from 3rd grade being at the foundation of much of that (or at least we deduced that) is with any luck, a thing of the past ... distant, and gloriously left behind past. don't get me wrong, it was a learning experience for sure, and one that i am sure we'll not soon forget (possibly revisiting as we travel down the school path ...) but it was a very tough year with a less than stellar teacher .... who has no - zip, nada, zilch - personality, and energy. she is so very, very beige.
the new one - Mrs. C - 100 times the personality, and energy level. she's 25 tops, newlywed, happy to be a teacher, comes from a lineage of teachers in her family, and has so much planned for the year, with open arms for parent helpers! cam came to life when he met her, and spoke with her. he was intrigued, and bounced away after he saw which one she was .... as he went to bed tonight, i got an extra big hug with wonderful whispers of 'i can't wait for the shcool year to begin, mom .. it's gonna be a good one!'

oh, my heart sang. he loves school. he loves to learn, and be part of a learning community. he thrives on the good things that school brings to him ~ the breadth and scope of the learning he has there, social atmosphere, the community feel, the resources they provide, the warmth and love that is there, the charged electricity of an elementary school .... he truly adores school, and for that i am most grateful. my greatest fears from last year was the possibility of his teacher zapping his enthusiasm, and he was on that path - he was walking down it, reluctantly walking down, but just the same, going .... and the principal and i talked about it, and she intervened at her level, connecting with this little boy, and ensuring his love continued. she is a terrific woman, and insightful mommy, and a fabulous 'coach' when it comes to parenting. she saved his affection of learning ... for a few more precious moments while he is still in the community he is in. love her.

and kendall's class is the *other* third grade teacher (again, insightful principal that woman is! :) and she is wonderful. she has her bestest friends in her class ~ all 6 of them! (except for one, Ben who is her fabulous and spirited friend that dances, sings, and plays everything she loves to play ... he and she spent the most time together this summer, and i am certain it's something that will continue for years to come. they were both fine about the class this year, they'll be spending some time together i am sure!) the teacher she has is more academic, with an intense amount of expectations, yet, very positive, and growth oriented. i know that she will have yet another great year .... the second half last year was a little more challenging ... her teacher left on maternity, and the sub was rather stern. quite different than the first teacher, and of course, different than first grade, and kindergarten. so, she was over the moon too!! it helps, also that she is jonesing for this friday to get here .... she turns 8 on that day and has a girlfriend party, AND a family party the very same day! :)

a great way to celebrate the start to the new year! good friends, a party or two, and the promise of positive reationships with my children and their teachers!

yahoo!!

aquariums might be one of my favorite places

and theirs too .... although there was a tremendous amount of talk about captivity, and sadness. still, the peace, and happiness was apparent on both ends

the penguins are always so entertaining ... kinda like the monkeys at the zoo, you know? and to the right is the Beluga Whale, one of the three at this particular aquarium.

and a very cool new exhibit where you could feed birds with little popsicle sticks and seed attached to the end .... reaching was the challenge, but once you did reach them, they adored the attention ..... the birds did too. ;) there was a wonderful Sea Lion show with a 27 year old male Sea Lion, a 22 year old female Sea Lion, and a new member - the 2 year old, rescued, and had refused to go back into the ocean - who was being trained to be an entertainer!

tired, but full of chatter, and excitement ... still, a moment of bliss. :)

have i mentioned .....

that i have a husband who also plays sports?

that's him ... in the picture to the left here, the guy on the right in the photo. he plays shortstop for this team, and 2nd base for the other team he plays with. yes, that's a hole in his pants. have i mentioned he likes to slide?

that's him at bat. he's a pretty good hitter, but a great fielder.

he loves baseball.

it makes him so happy.

i love his butt in baseball pants.

or not .. in pants.

it makes me so happy.

oh, is that what this post is about?

ahem.

and .... okay, if the sky looks like this as it falls to evening during a game ... who am i to complain, anyway?!

have i mentioned that i am now a huge baseball fan. or at least a less-resistant one this year? ;)

it's the pants they wear.

ahem.

when the dreaming isn't always pleasant

that's when the magic of the "go-away spray bottle"

filled with a special conconction of magic water, sparkles, and an undisclosed (supertopsecretifitellyouthenyoullneedtobetickledtilyoupee) ingredient comes out, and fills the air with the distinct odor of ++no monsters, no bad dreams, and no icky thoughts!++

along with the decorated and beautiful wands of "go-away and don't come into my room" made especially sweet, and especially beautiful by the little lady who was having the unpleasant thoughts fill her head ....

arrive at the house, our house, and find new homes making one's bedroom a wee bit safer, and of course, less inhabited by the bad dreams filling your head. when you're 7 that helps an awful lot.

that's when the dreams become more pleasant .... and we all have a better night's sleep.

{it hurts to see her hurt ... and the fear of bad dreams is so real. so tangible. i had to come up with some magic!}