life with reds

uhm. hi!

2009-02-07T18:37:00.002-05:00

yeah .... not such a great bloggie gal, lately. lots happening. lots a brewin' . just way short on time.
methinks an update is due ... and methinks it will be in the next few days ....

until then. k?

7 days

2009-01-31T17:37:00.002-05:00

it's been since my last post. wow, what a week!
i was in mexico from last sunday (the 25th of Jan) through thurs the 29th. it was work related, and there was a little bit of fun involved. i crossed off another item on my bucket list while i was there ..... i ziplined over the jungle. the 'over the jungle' part wasn't necessarily part of the item, but that was a bonus as well, the only way it was happening there. :) that was a BLAST!

the meeting was good - energizing, revitalizing, and re-focusing. exactly what the company hopes will happen.

so, friday was a catch up day, the evening was wrapped with a hockey game, and today was a five hour marathon of cleaning a very neglected house. right now, i am sitting with my hubby (who by the way was part of said marathon - how 'bout that?) watching the taped bruins game from today - OOOO they just scored! woohoo - 1-0 against the Rangers ..... and enjoying a well earned brewskie.
i've got some stories that have been building up for the last couple of weeks, and will be coming back to document. for now though, i've got a facebook addiction that i need to feed. :)

my "little" girl

2009-01-24T20:19:00.008-05:00

she's my flower girl.

she's the one that touches souls, and warms the air

she's the one that never stops chattering

she's the one that laughs, and wraps that laughter around you like a warm blanket

she's the one that fills the space near her with music

she's the one that loves to share

she's the one that offers her help

she's the one that gets the glance

she's the one that holds you tight

she's the one that fills the room with sparkle

she's the one that oozes love

she's the one that you are drawn to

she's the one that sits next to you and writes songs (words, not the music)

she's the one that will collect everything and anything

she's the one that colors the world around her as she breathes the air with you

she's the one that will make you see things with a smile

she's the one that will tenderly hold you if you hurt

she's the one that feels with her whole heart

she's the one that will embrace a stranger

she's the one that will remember everything

she's the one that will make the details

she's the one that will make the mark

she's the one that will change the world

she's the one that will capture the worry and shake it all away .... in her little hands, with her great big heart.

and seal it with a kiss.

twice.

shift it

2009-01-23T20:56:00.002-05:00

move it
shake it
roll with it
revel it
draw it
breathe it
wiggle it
grow it
hold it
glory it
focus it
embrace it
enjoy it
excite it
watch it
rock it
hug it
smile it
live it

re-align. re-energize. re-enter.

fridays lead to saturday. and the weekend is so enjoyable.

may your days be filled with love, family, fun and shift.

44

2009-01-20T21:18:00.002-05:00

what a day.
what an incredible day.

i hope you feel as lifted, and hopeful as i do.

looking for more of the goodness to unfold, and all the possibility that lies ahead has my spirit in a good, good place.

16 things

2009-01-19T15:21:00.002-05:00

that you (and some others) don't know about me. this was a tag on some sites that i visit, and it looked like fun, as well as an exercise in thought. here goes, and consider yourself tagged :)

* i am itching to begin a creative chapter in my life. painting, creating, art! and no excuse why i am not doing it!
* i have a skeletan structure of a book i'd like to write
* i feel like i missed my calling to be a doctor. rather, i didn't listen to the voice in my head
* i am a huge fan of eyes. they speak to me on so mnay levels, and i listen.
* i am also a huge fan of, er, butts. yep, not such a huge secret, but hey, i'm revealing some things
* i am awakened by dreams that involve my kids being hurt - about twice a month
* i feel so much stronger than i was 5 years ago.
* i have no recall of the girl that inhabited my body 10 years ago (pre-kids!)
* i enjoy date nights so much that the guilt of the good feelings (being without my kids for a night) are washed away as i bask in the glory of our couplehood
* i'm going away next week to the mayan riviera, and i don't have the normal guilt that i have had in the past. i'm looking forward to the break
* i would secretly (well, it may not be a REAL secret) love to be a SAHM.
* i am not a fan of darkness. it isn't a fear, it's really a dislike. i hate what could be lurking
* i was a high school cheerleader. for my "brother-school's" (it was a perochial school group) hockey team
* i want to have a financial freedom now. not in retirement, i don't want to wait. now.
* i save things. lots and lots of things. sometimes things that don't have much meaning. except to me. one might say i am a little bit of a packrat. the good news? i am so organized, you'd NEVER know i save things. lots and lots of things.
* we have just been approached with a possible relocation opp (via my job) and i am actually contemplating it!

okay, that was fun. go ahead, play the game.

blanket of white

2009-01-18T17:34:00.004-05:00

we've been covered in the white stuff for about a month or so ... and i have to be honest, i am loving it! (not only for the photo opps for the 365 project, but the beauty and the peace that the snow brings to the air) there have been many winters where we had just bitter temps, and ice, and rain. this year, we've got lots of snow. today 6 inches fell, and tomorrow another 3 have been predicted.

it's wonderful fluffy white stuff this time. easy shoveling, i was told. by sean and cameron. and you know what, the little man began the journey of a little business with this snowfall - when you turn 10, you know, you're old enough to venture to your neighbor's and clear away his driveway for him. and a shiny 10 dollar bill awaits you. :) who knew?! and man, what the future holds - "there ARE 10 houses on this street mom!" love this stuff .....

in other news, we had a hockey tournament this weekend, and in all it went well. lots of positives came from it. made it to the semi's and lost in double over time. it was a heartbreaker, and in the end, they completely should NOT have lost at all. they dominated the other team, skated better, and worked their tails off. the shots on net were very lopsided, but the bottom line was the other team put it in the net when it counted. :( cam played very well, had two goals and one assist in the tourney. the team scored a total of 1o goals, so to have a hand in three isn't too shabby. he has been trying to shake this cold, and today seemed to be less coughing, more sneezing, and stuffy nose symptoms. like i said to him, it's a blessing to have tomorrow off from playing hockey - we can lay low, and re-energize for a busy week coming up.

i'm off to cuddle on the couch .... hope your sunday night is warm. :)

cold and +

2009-01-16T16:38:00.003-05:00

9 degrees cold.

no, that's not a typo. the last two days have gotten progressively colder. in a word - ouch.

i was in the south for the first three days of the week - the temps there were 85, 82 and 70 for the three days. nice. very, very nice.

the temps wednesday night through today? 10 degrees when i landed. 15 degrees thursday, and 11 degrees, moving downward to 9 degrees today.

it's frickin' cold. and the cold hurts my bones, and my muscles.

so, i thought, with all the icky news of the economy, the bad weather, the cold here, and the general january blues that so many people haggle with, i would start a positive list.

that's right, a "+ list"

join in, add some yummy goodness, and warm up! ;)

+ with all the chilly breezes, we are snuggling even more than normal here
+ cam's hockey team won yesterday - handily 7-1
+ it's friday
+ tomorrow is saturday
+ it's almost 5 o'clock right now
+ my husband is doing the dishes right now
+ my son and hubby are feeling better with each passing day
+ higgins keeps making us laugh our tails off ... several times a day
+ i am catching up with the daily photo (i had a hiccup with the early part of the week)
+ i've got a warm cup of tea coming
+ my family is healthy
+ my kids have had two days off from school this week, and had a pretty good time laughing with each other!
+ my husband organized the year long "need to file" pile while i was away
+ he also just saved us a bunch on new homeowners, and car insurance
+ we're on the other side of the holidays and that means spring is getting closer
+ it's supposed to warm up tomorrow
+ i've gotten to the gym several times this week, and should be able to over the weekend too

that's a good start ... yes?

how about you? what's + right now in your world?

snoggy noses ... and dancing sweatshirts

2009-01-12T22:24:00.002-05:00

so the past couple of weeks the sweet man i've married has been sufferering miserably with a nasty cold (and not too loudly, I have to mention ... he is such a trooper, so not a complainer, never has been) and as a result, our wee mr. cameron came down with it. he, as well, is not a complainer, and such a trooper.

but let's face it, he's 10.
and a boy.
and he just needs some TLC.
(or, wait .... is that, ME that needs to GIVE him the TLC because it's my job?)

so, we've been hugging and cuddling, and medicating at night to relieve the cough. the other night, friday night, we were gearing up and packing to go to rochester, ny for a 4 hockey game weekend there, and he was really coughing. i grabbed the dimetapp medicine, the knock you out one that i rarely use unless it's necessary (in truth, i don't use lots of meds with them, or with us, i just don't). he went to bed at 8:00 and at 10:30 he shows up in the office, downstairs, looking in my eye, and this was the conversation.

cam: "mom, i need your help with something"
mom: "okay, what do you need help with, bud?"
c: " okay, everytime i close my eyes, i can't keep it all straight, i have the puck, and i need to get it accross the line, but i don't know if i should use my stick, or the dancing sweatshirts"
me: "uh, okay, tell you what, let's go upstairs and i can try to help you there, you can lay down, and i'll help you"
c: "yeah, that's good mom, c'mon"
we're now upstairs, he's in bed
me: "so, let's close your eyes, and see if you can get back to sleep"
c: " okay, but that's the thing ... when i close my eyes that's when the sweatshirts start dancing"
m: " hmmm ... i can see that." as i stroke his head, and kiss him, i smile at the idea that he'll have no recollection of this.

and i may need to cease using dimetapp. :)

but the truth is, we'll ride this out, and be healthy soon ... likely before daddy is all better, because let's face it, he's 10.
and the energizer bunny.
and a kid.

and when you're surrounded by dancing sweatshirts, clearly you've got a chosen position for health.

2009-01-07T22:00:00.003-05:00

long day ... up at 5:59. on the road by 6:30. back on the road by 4:00 ish ... at the really crowded gym for 5:15 (remind me to stay away at that hour, k?) and home to a home cooked meal by my sweets.

now, i am trying to repair my TomTom so i can map out my travels ... and deal with this awful left sided, lower abdominal pain that i've had twice now in 2 weeks. argh.

but look at this: icy branches ..... i love the look of the frozen water, and the feel that it has, but the reality of the weight of that heavy ice on a wee branch is amazing. this tree was in a parking lot in connecticut where i worked today. i was so enjoying the scenery of the ice storm here in the northeast.

and i had p-l-e-n-t-y of time to look at it from the car today ..... :)

(*taken with my blackberry phone camera, so not the best shot, but i left the house without my camera *gasp*)

off to snuggle with my honey.

flexible

2009-01-06T21:27:00.004-05:00

a while i'd like to think of myself as a somewhat flexible person, and surely a someone that can roll with the punches most times .... i can also be very rigid, and deeply commited to doing things my way (stop rolling your eyes, sean ....)

i've got an opinion, and if you're within earshot, you should likely hear my side of the story. i tend not to stand headstrong against something i don't wholeheartedly believe in, but i will fight tooth and nail on things i feel strongly about. and although you think your version, or side, of the story is the best version or side to hear, the reality is, i have probably got a decent submission for the better side. really. quite often it's a very good idea or opinion.

in my opinion anyway. heh.

:) :) :) ... i'm being a little silly here, but the truth of the matter is that i need to open this up a little bit - and discuss. i can definitely be ... shall we say, stubborn (!) in needing to express myself. (sean, stop rolling your eyes, and i heard that snarffle) .... and i'm not always the most open minded when it comes to hearing others expression of self, when that particular expression differs greatly from my current opinion.

one of the things i'd like to accomplish this year is the unwavering ability to see it 'through the eyes of another'.

i'd like to pause, and breath in the moment that tells your gutt to question what was just heard or said or expressed in some form. rather than react, just listen better. i pride myself in being a good listener, but what i tend to do, is listen ... then talk. i think i need to listen.

then listen.
then maybe listen.

and not share my thoughts. regardless if i agree, or not. just listen.

i know this will be a bit of a challenging task, and one that will feel quite different at the very least. but i need to try it and see where it takes me. i'm already a very positive person. i see things with all kinds of rosy glasses, and that feels right for me. i don't anticipate that changing .... but the shift to listening might help my rosy glasses expand the view, you know?

i bet the world will open a whole new story book just for me ......

burning questions

2009-01-05T17:05:00.006-05:00

so, my bloggie friend, Nichole had a fun game ..... and there are some rules, so here they are:

the first one being a link back to the post where you got the idea. (Okay, so i failed that one right off the bat - I have NO idea how to do that cool link back, anyone anyone? but her site is www.mythoughtfulspot.thinkpad.com) i hope i don't fail any more of these rules. ahem ....

1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interveiwed, you will ask them five questions.

Miss Nichole's questions of me:

1. How much tv do you watch? not too much at all, to be honest. i have never been a huge tv watcher. i'd say an hour or two a week - absolute tops.

2. Along those lines, what are your preferred shows when the boob tube is on? "preferred" is the operative word. I would prefer something compelling, something engaging, something entertaining, and something funny. they all don't need to exist simultaneously, of course - compelling: a good feel-good human story, like a child beating cancer, or an adult starting a wonderful charity and it booming into something beyond their imagination. or even a look back at _______ (fill in the blank with the year 2008, or the Beijing Olympics, or the Miracle on Ice story, or some sports dude that faught his tail off to get where he is because no one believed he'd get there, and now he's a stud and grabbed MVP, and formerly Rookie of the Year titles - DUSTIN PEDROIA!) i digress .... engaging: along the same lines as above. entertaining: a good sports event, or even an old movie that i love. funny: Seinfeld, Arrested Development ... and things of that line.

3. Do you do anything that would be considered "crafty?" i'm a pretty crafty kid, to be truthful. i scrapbook, i paint, i draw, i color and decorate, i photograph, i do beading, i make gifts for folks like photo books, and grateful books, and decorations, and always doing kid crafts with my wee squirts. i love creating .... as the youngest child of an architect and interior designer i'd say the gene was a strong one, yes?

4. What are some goals you'd like to accomplish this year? (You knew this one was coming.) oh, there are some good ones that i've outlined:
i'd like to be more accepting, and nurturing of people and their feelings around me
i'd like to gain, and maintain more patience
i'd like to keep my exercise and eating well routine going (it's been a couple of years, and i know anyone can fall frome grace ...)
i'd like to complete the mini triathalon in July and raise some $$ for breast cancer .... and present that check to my friend Tony, in honor of his beloved mom in Sept.
and
i need to improve on my overall sales this year, most especially the capital end work wise. as well, i'd like to advance my career with my company to a whole new level this year ...

5. Do you know any languages? If so, which ones and how did you learn it? If not, are you interested in learning any, which ones, and why? does kid speak count? how about high pitched doggie chatter? baby convo?
okay, seriously .... i took 4 years of French in high school .... i've retained about an ounce of the language at this point, and i regret not keeping up with it.
i think it would behoove me to learn Spanish .... that way i will be able to communicate with the citizens of this country in 15 or so years.
and i've always wanted to learn Italian. i have Italian in my heritage, and am planning to visit Italy (it's on my bucket list) and i'd love to be able to speak that language. additionally, it's so freaking romantic to hear it spoken well .....

that was fun, Ms. N ..... anyone wanna play?

document

2009-01-04T18:40:00.007-05:00

one of the words/solutions for me is just that ... document.

i made the valiant attempt last year at the one picture a day, and failed about march. blah. not a great effort to say the least. so this year, i've decided that in order for me to stick to the documenting and taking a picture a day, i need to do a couple of things:

* learn more about my camera

* take a photography class

* write a little something about each picture/day/week/month whatever moves me for that time frame

* enjoy the process

and so, i am. it's day 4 and so far, it's going beautifully.

here's a couple from the last few days

a view in the evening of the family room. i rearranged the mantle after the christmas decor

came down.

the stunning, and fabulously adored newfie pup we are completely in love with, Higgins.

glorious blue sunshine day. bitter cold, and incredibly crisp - but just lovely to photograph!on a chilly morning walk this AM with above mentioned "fluff ball" newfie, we stumbled onto the creek running through the golf course nearby. the water was so cold looking, but the sunshine was so sparkly.

i'm diggin the documenting. :)

milestones

2009-01-02T20:50:00.011-05:00

in life there are so many milestones that we reach .... starting at very young ages - first word, first steps, first tooth in and first tooth out, first school days ... and the list, it's a long one, yes?

today, was a day for a big milestone.

i mean b-i-g BIG.

this fella right here?

he turned 10 today. and when i went to his room this morning, this was the conversation:

me: happy birthday, bubbah-looie!
him: thanks, mom. i'm ten.
me: yep, 10. crazy, huh? so what's it all mean?
him: (looking me right in the eye, with that smirk right there, in that picture) double digits! that's what it means!

hello?! double digits. who? not my child.

not the kid i changed diapers,
and rocked all night,
and listened to his breathing,
and marveled at his eyelashes,
and wondered if the colic would end,
and squished his toes,
and snuggled in bed with,
and scooped up to blow rasberries into his belly,
and chased after to tickle,
and laughed until my sides hurt at his two year old antics,
and cried as he ran away from my arms for the first time at 11 months,
and wondered how my heart would ever be mine again,
and held in my arms to do absolutely everything so he could see it at his level,
and cried as he hopped onto the bus for the first time,
and waved to me,
and smiled from ear to ear when he returned that day,

and ... and. {gulp}

10? t.e.n.

i've had hard times with birthdays in my past - when he turned 6, for example. he was no longer the wee one. no longer a little boy - a big boy now. in a real, big boy school. he was no longer a baby. when kendall turned 7 i was a mess - my baby? seven?! 7 and 8 for cam were okay for me, i think because 6 was so rough. then 9 was emotional with him. 10?
ten is aging. 10 is wings flapping. 10 is little man sprouting. 10 is when i start to become less of an impact. less of a consultant on things unless i ask to be. 10 is wings lifting him to the tweens. and that's something i am not fully prepared to be - a tween mom.

so today, i will be the mom of a ten year old.

a double digit kid.

but you know, he's such a great kid. he's such a doll to have as my son. he is someone i want to be around, someone i adore having in my life. someone with whom i am honored to be part of his life, and to allow me to share his life with. he is challenging, yes, he's supposed to be, he's a kid. and at times, i wonder who will "win" in the end - me, of course, yes? ;) but i know i am supposed to be challenged as a mom at times. i am so proud of him, and so in love with him, too. i am so excited for the moments and years, and lifetime ahead for us. and the canvas that is his life right now? it has so much possibility. that is what makes being a mom so very, very cool. the possibility of the things. the opportunity that lies ahead of you, and it's all available to make it your story with your children.

*********************************************
he was quite excited for his tenth birthday, and we wanted to celebrate the kickoff to double digits in the kind of style that would be a memory maker for him for years to come. i love birthdays and always have. i think they should be the kind of thing that you get to celebrate for as long, and as loud as you want. afterall, those around you are celebrating the fact that you were born to this world. something that should be revered as miraculous. :)

we told him he could have a week long celebration starting with last sunday. he received a coolpix digital camera for christmas so he's got some photos of the events as well, and I will surely download those too, as soon as he lets me download them!

the week started off with a sleepover sunday night with a buddy (sadly three others he had invited were all sick, so it was a wee bit smaller than he had expected - perhaps a redo on that one is in order??) then on monday we went to the outdoor ice rink with these two:

afterwards, he had a power skating clinic, and then as an impromptu request was invited to go to a sleepover at one of the player's house. the next morning they all skated (again!) and played all day long at that player's house.

the next day was new year's eve so we all played in the freshly fallen snow, and watched some new movies received from santa because we knew that we would be celebrating the new year in style that night at the neighbor's house - getting to bed at 2:00 AM(egads!)

and then new year's day, after we woke at 10:00 AM (yippee!) he had a family party at home with all the cousins, and family .... so good food, yummy cake, and smiles were all around. he got some more loot, of course.among the loot, he was thrilled beyond compare to receive this from his boy cousins, and auntie leesa: meet Dusty, the hermit crab. lovely, right? just what any household should have ....
that same night, New Year's day, he went to the Bruins game with his dad - but before that would happen, he would have some good laughing with daddy on the couch watching the NHL 2nd annual event on Jan 1 - the outdoor game (played at Wrigley Field in Chicago) - along with his extra special new sweatshirt from mimi with a giant 10 on it.

and finally, as the week hit the climax today, his actual birthday, he requested the coveted trip to Dave & Buster's to add some points to the card that he has been saving and inching towards a "big prize". (have i mentioned i loathe that place? blech. icky, and boo. what's a mom to do, the kid wanted to go, it was his 10th birthday! .... thank goodness sean was with me!)

we hit a great restaurant for lunch after D&B's, and brought chocolate chip cookies with milk for a post-practice treat in honor of his birthday tonight. his teammates (and coaches) loved it!

he's anxious for the actual "friend's" brithday party in February he's planning .... a rock climbing location! woot!

so now .... now, he is peacefully sleeping (not too surprising on that one, yes?!) awaiting his baseball practice and hockey game tomorrow.

*********************************************

alas, ringing in the new year, and a new age for the first born here all in one week - a task that will surely increase with anticipation as the years move onward, in all liklihood, don't you think? ;)

the milestone of aging is one in which we should take hints from 10 year olds:

"mom, this birthday should be a big, huge blowout. it should be the best one yet!"

Happy Birthday, bubba looie.

i love you more today than yesterday .... and around the world and back.

three times.

xoxo mommy

eager

2009-01-01T17:58:00.002-05:00

so, as i sit here wondering where to even begin, i decided that the very best place is the notion that we're at the beginning of a beautiful opportunity.

a new year, a new book crisp with fresh smelling untouched pages just waiting .... waiting to be gloriously graced with moments, memories, and snapshots from the lives all around me that touch me, inspire me, and celebrate me.

i will say one thing about 2008, and then i'm moving on. we're going to be peeking into the book that lies before me here - but only peeking to the first page. i've never been one to go beyond that, i don't need to shake the christmas presents early (and you know what i'm talking about!~)

this year was not anything that i had expected - i'm disappointed. but, i've learned so so SO much, and i am really fine with the "let down" because sometimes you need that shake up to realize the goodness in your life.

there, done.

onward - ho!

as has been tradition with me, i write down and post my solutions to the upcoming year.

here's the list for the 2009 365:

Accept
Patience
Determination
Document
Fulfill
Exercise
Think
Love
Rejoice

I decided that rather than detail the daylights out of each solution, i would allow myself only one word per solution. each day will bring a completely new perspective to every word, and every action that is affected from and by the word. as well, each word has application to my personal and professional life.

this year will be the best year i've had in a long long time .... on many, many levels. i am so looking forward to smelling the fresh pages each day i turn them. come along with me, will you?

oh, and yes, i spruced things up a smidge here. kinda fun.

Happy New Year!

Merry Merry

2008-12-25T21:02:00.002-05:00

yes, it's the evening of Christmas here on the East Coast. a wonderfully filled day with family, and wrapping paper, and gifties, and love.

we enjoyed the day filled with wishes fulfilled, and dreams answered ....

for the most part. :)

k-gal didn't get the puppy (!) she wanted, and the big guy proclaimed that Christmas is NO TIME to give clothes as a gift. no, it should only be toys.

yeah. 9 years old.

:)

hope your day was wonderful .... and relaxing.

Merry Merry ....

ack!

2008-12-23T11:26:00.004-05:00

it's that crazy time of year .... i feel organized on the outisde (most are wrapped already! woohoo!) and i feel calm with the inevitable rush of activity .... but i also feel frenzied to get it all together and have everyone be happy.... i haven't been attentive to the bloggie. :(
but i have been attentive elsewhere ... so with that, i will say i am here, but i am limited here.

i promise to have a holiday post, though ... perhaps tomorrow evening after the squirts head to dreamland.

grow* (edited for clarity)

2008-12-09T13:58:00.005-05:00

sometimes i need to be reminded of that. with every step, with every move, grow.

i've been given an opportunity to process some news that really stung. it was a professional decision that makes no sense. not just to me, but to several colleagues, and family members. i don't have much more to say about it, except that i am working through the process of the news. i was hurt yesterday. i'm mad today. tomorrow, i will take another step to finishing the process.

until then, take a look at this fabulous happy snap of the 4 of us at Niagra Falls on Thanksgiving Day.

talk about giving me the moment i needed today. thanks, dad for the photo. :)

**** edited to add: it just dawned on me, given the fragile economy, and the underlying feeling of my post, that i may have actually lost my job. in fact, that is not true - thankfully, i am still gainfully employed. i was however, passed over for a promotion that was something i had looked forward to achieving. and had been working on for a while now.

the sport

2008-11-25T12:10:00.003-05:00

it's one of those things that amazes me even now ... he's been doing this sport for just about 8 years. he donned his first skates (on his own request) at 2 years old. he never looked back. literally, he took the crate they give the wee ones, and pulled it. across the ice towards the other end of the rink. he ignored me. the whole way. you see, the routine is to push it across the ice for balance. he didn't have a balance issue. he had a dream issue ....

yeah, Cam thought that crate was just part of the apparatus that went along with the shoulder pads, and gloves, and shin pads, helmet..... the one thing he couldn't have right away that he yearned for was a stick. he gazed, starstruck at the 'advanced' kids (the 5 and 6 year olds!) at the other end that had the sticks, and were shooting pucks. every time he got on the ice, he asked the coach if he could go down there - where the sticks were. the answer was always 'soon, my friend, soon'.

and soon it was. he didn't last long with that crate (they took it that session, and told him he was all set alone) nor did he last long in that section of the ice. he was quickly led to the other end where the 'advanced older kids' were .... but still no stick. gotta learn to really skate well, said the coach. so he forged on, and learned to really skate well. two years of no stick on the ice later, he was blessed with his stick. and now, he hasn't looked back.

again.

this weekend, we are heading north to the beautiful city of Toronto to participate in the Silversticks Tournament. it is apparently the premier tourney in both countries. they will have some tough opponents, and surely, the kids have their work cut out for them. they are facing the number one 9 year old team in Canada, and the number 4 & 5 teams in the USA for their age group. so, the games will be challenging.

but the trip will be one of memory making. it will be a treat, and a fabulous video in our heads and hearts. I have traveled so much in my life with swimming, and my brother and sister's sports .... the memories are all there. and they are among my favorites. i know this will be too!

and #44 will be ready when he dons his skates on Friday for the first time - in an arena that will be nothing like the ones he sees here in USA.

his crazy parents succumbed to the request of this (his idea, isn't it AWESOME!?) .... as it is, sean and i both feel strongly that self expression in this manner is perfectly appropriate when you're 9 ... in the business world, not so much .... and the best part is, he is YEARS away from that! :) it is too, hair, afterall, and it will grow back. the way this kid grows hair, it'll prolly be growing in by sunday ....

he is very excited, and very anxious to be there as a team.

as are we.

this Thanksgiving, we as a family have so much to be grateful for, and so much thanks .... of which include the opportunity to be part of this fantastic trip with my kids, and husband, and parents. what a journey it will be. what a memory for us all.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours .... may your gratefulness spill over in your cups!
xo, karin

healing ......

2008-11-23T21:28:00.002-05:00

and it's true - it takes time. but the last few days have been a little easier. less tears, more hugging, more talking, and smiling about the memories, more lingering thoughts of his time here with us. happy thoughts, for the most part.

and the kids and sean are doing this too.

i'm feeling a little worn out to be honest. and we've got a big trip coming up this week - for hockey. heading north to the blustery weather of Toronto. i've never been ... and i am looking so forward to the diversion for one, but the incredible experience for the most part.

i'll be heading to bed in a few here .... but wanted to say thanks so much for the kind thoughts, and words, and cyber hugs sent my way .... they help, and i sure feel them.

it's getting better .... and it will continue to. :)

here

2008-11-20T19:51:00.003-05:00

but vacant.

very sad. this pain is enormous.

we miss him so much.

cam doesn't want to come home because he knows he's not here. kendall was staring out the back door waiting for him wednesday morning ..... tears rolling down her face. no words help right now.

i keep talking to him in my head, and i want him back.

we miss him so much.

breaking heart

2008-11-18T19:24:00.005-05:00

just shy of 11 years in our lives.

almost our entire married life.

he represented the bond we began, the union, and the first attempt at being parents.

he was the first dog that my kids knew completely.

he taught them unconditional love far more, and more deeply, than we could have.

he was a family member.

he was a true addition.

he was a phenominal dog.

he was a lover of life. and lover of all people.

he was a terrific partner, friend, silent warm blanket.

he always found my feet to sit on - just to check on me, and be sure he knew where i was sitting.

he was murphy. our first baby.

rest in peace. we loved you so very much.

lucky

2008-11-17T22:37:00.002-05:00

when i sit back and look at my life, in snipets, and then chapters, i sit and wonder how i got so lucky.

i've got it pretty good. i've got some incredible little people that call me mom. i've got an amazing man that calls me 'hon'. i've got a fabulous group of family and friends that call me daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, and such.

and then i think about my work life. i love my job. i love what i do, with whom i get to do it, and to whom i sell.

this post is designed to keep me grounded. and focused.

the weird place that things are in in the world, and in our society keep me sometimes twisted, and turned. but then there are those moments that i sit.

and think about how lucky i am.

blogiversary!

2008-11-14T16:03:00.002-05:00

hard to even imagine .... it's been three years i've been bloggin'.

3.years. wowzers. time flies. interest here waxes and wanes, i know. but in the end it's been a great avenue for me. a great venue for me. and a learning experience.

i'm off for hockey and dinner with the family ..... happy blogiversary to me! :)

opened door

2008-11-12T20:54:00.003-05:00

today i heard that my manager, the one that's been struggling to keep up with the moving target here with the team i am on; the one that tries so hard to be the best that he could be; the one that obviously didn't have tools or the skills to win here at this company; the one that is a great guy; with a big heart, and a nice family; the one that methodically deteriorated the team here unbeknownst to him - he was let go.
we were told it was mutual. we were told he and they made the decision together. we all knew it was just dust. we all knew it was with the greatest respect, and honor to that manager. because we all knew that he wasn't the best fit for the position.

and this event, albeit not too surprising, shook the team a little bit today. but this event is also a chance. this is what many of the corporate folks have been talking about with me, once the position opened up again. this event is making me re-evaluate the upward climb in corporate america.

again.

but this, this event is a door that has been opened. typically that means opportunity awaits.

and i think i'm ready.

pulling

2008-11-08T21:37:00.006-05:00

i can feel it happening. as a family we are pulling ... not pushing anymore. do you know what i mean? pulling together. pulling for each other. pulling to get it done. pulling to be closer. pulling to find a way to "do". pulling.

not pushing.

there are times in my life, as i am sure everyone's life out there, that it feels like i'm pushing everything. days where i'm just up against it. pushing with all my might even when my strength feels like it's all gone. sometimes i'm pushing uphill, sometimes aside, sometimes over, sometimes even through.

but i'm not pushing right now. no one is at this house. it's really nice.

you see, i've had some experience, shall we say, with incredible pushing. especially in the last 9 years and 10 months, give or say a few months there. i'm proud to say that i've been working on my phenominally independent, and yes, intense 'projects' here. my little ones are amazing people. i am deeply in love, there is no denying it. it's a profound level. but .... there is a definite air of independence in this house - and that breeze can pull or it can push you around. being married to a redhead, and birthing two more has taught me that life is a ride. one in which i revel with them. but again, that ride can push and pull. sometimes harder than other times. the pushing that is.

but not now. now there's pulling.

so, with the current state of the country, and life, and things .... and the state of pushing everywhere, i am breathing easier. i am sighing. because, well, because there is only pulling right now. life is chill ..... it's slowed right down.

and i hope it stays this way for a little while longer.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

on another note -

saw this in an email recently .... my cousin will send me these all the time, and i never respond to the email ones. i have no idea why, but i just don't. the deal is to answer the question with one word only.

1. Where is your cell phone? counter

2. Where is your significant other? couch

3. Your hair? messy

4. Your mother? awesome

5. Your father? super

6. Your favorite thing? laughs

7. Your dream last night? pleasant

8. Your dream/goal? health

9. The room you're in? comfy

10. Your hobby? forgotten

11. Your fear? loss

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? better

13. Where were you last night? hockey

14. What you're not? selfish

16. One of your wish list items? happiness

17. Where you grew up? warmth

18. The last thing you did? kisses

19. What are you wearing? jammies

20. Your TV? annoying

21. Your pet? many

22. Your computer? here

24. Your mood? good

25. Missing someone? always

26. Your car? parked

27. Something you're not wearing? jacket

28. Favorite store? sale

29. Your summer? short

30. Love someone? many

31. Your favorite color? tons

32. When is the last time you laughed? minutes

33. Last time you cried? earlier

someone

2008-11-08T21:32:00.004-05:00

someone here is gettin' a wee bit of confidence back.
someone here is feeling more like himself on the ice.
someone here is scoring goals.
someone here has a skip in his stride.
someone here feels different and it shows.
someone here has had a huge smile return to his face.

and someone(s) else might be sighing a wee bit of a sigh of relief. :)

voted in

2008-11-07T23:09:00.005-05:00

i knew you were waiting with intense anticipation ... admit it. c'mon, you're just dying to know who won, right?!

this was more riveting than the REAL election, i know, i know. but the truth of the matter is, it was me that delayed the results - ME. i have been on an Obama inspiration high since tuesday and just haven't been back here to give you the kid's results from our little election .....

in truth, too, once the REAL deal started tuesday afternoon and evening with the election coverage on tv, the kids were less interested in our election too. so, i learned a valuable lesson with this little fun thing: keep the excitement separate. ;)

so, would you like to see who won?

i proudly present, our newly voted in head executive of the house:

Madame Mia! she was so terrific in her acceptance speech, and Mr. Matt was ever so gracious in his concession speech also. :) we're looking so forward to the changes that will be imminent with her holding office. we need change around here. some new energy and excitement will be much needed - but don't be fooled, she's level headed, and strong. she'll be sticking to those campaign promises, for sure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

okay, so on to the real deal now ..... Barack Obama. President Elect Obama. Change.

Yes, we can!

there was audible, and almost "touchable" intensity to the excitement here at this house tuesday evening. i'm sure i don't speak for just myself, but i have been so uplifted, and inspired by the effect that he is having. there is a feeling of intensity, and excitement, and something so *right* with this new change that we have coming. my dad has likened it to the way the country felt when JFK was elected. he mentioned he hasn't seen this many people positively affected by an election since then, and the support, and intensity is like that of the JFK era. recognizing there are many non-Obama fans, i still get a distinct impression that as a country, we will find our way through this mess together, and he will lead us. he has the ideas, and the energy, and the fortitude. at least from my perspective. and from what i've seen, many MANY other's too. I just hope we can unify and be strong as a country. we need to do this.

when the announcement happened at 11:00PM here, sean and i literally sat and stared in utter disbelief. it was one of those moments that you KNOW is coming, and you are COMPLETELY aware of the possible outcomes, but still - shocking, and surreal. i am so honored to be alive during this amazing time. i am so thrilled that my kids will be able to say they were at the beginning of this change, and they were just kids. and when someone, somewhere down the road in their lives that's 10 years younger than them (you know, as in NOT BORN YET) says "so where were YOU when Obama, the first African American President was elected?" chills, doesn't that give you chills when you think of the historic impact this has?

i feel hopeful. i feel full of hope.

and i love the phrase - Yes, we can! :)

all in!

2008-11-03T17:35:00.007-05:00

yep, we've got two reallllllly interested (and somewhat understandably confused) kids in this incredibly historic election. i feel so honored to be participating in the real thing right now, and i am excited to have them come along with me as i go to the polls tomorrow. (afterwards, ben and jerry's is offering a FREE ice cream scoop to all those that vote! got one in your neck of the woods?!) but i am more excited to have the opportunity to teach a lifelong lesson to my kiddlies, teaching them about the freedom to vote, and the opportunity to be heard. as well, be part of the historic outcome of this political atmosphere here in the USA, our home.

as a result, and as part of the learning, as well as a wonderful suggestion i saw at supersisters.com we are designing our very own election here at home ......

we've got our two candidates:

INTRODUCING:

Mia Berrellesse

and Matt Foresmane

they've each got (important to their kid level) platforms with very similar, yet, "worlds apart" differences. they've got some literature for the voters to read, some ideas, and infomercials, as well as some referendum info for the voters to take a look at. both candidates decided to keep religion and taxes out of the election this time around .... thankfully.

the voting will take place tomorrow morning, after the kids have had the evening to think it over, ask questions, and peruse the info. we'll be voting with secret write in ballots. we've hired some special election officials to keep the voting above board (no florida here!) and we'll be posting the results as we're all four watching the REAL deal play out tomorrow on the tube, and radio ....

on the real deal, my apprehension and concern are ever present, as are so many other americans, however, i am gaining comfort with my decision.

time for a change. time for history to begin. be sure to excercise your right to vote, and make your own stamp on history.

VOTE! :)

smile

2008-11-02T15:19:00.002-05:00

because you can.

love.

because you can.

breathe.

because you can.

enjoy your sunday. we sure are!

there are moments

2008-10-26T19:37:00.002-05:00

in life that give you pause. this past week was one of those moments for my family and i.

my aunt passed away unexpectedly last monday. she took her own life. i am struggling with the concept, the actual event, and the fact that she is gone so suddenly. i've not had anything like this (suicide) since i was a small girl when my friend's dad took his own life, but i was shielded from that as a 7 year old, and never really knew the details, or anything. and it was a shock, as well as a sudden rug-out-from-under-me with my aunt. to say it mildly, this has been a week of pain. my children are struggling with this news, as my aunt's only grandson is their good friend, same age, and spent lots of time with him. their struggles are feeling as if 'this can happen to ben, this can happen to me too'. my uncle and she were divorced many many years ago, however, i had always stayed in touch. and was very close with the children, my cousins.

the memorial service was lovely, and very comforting to her children, and family. her longtime partner, bill, is really having a difficult time. unimaginable.

keep her in your thoughts today, if only for a moment. and keep bill there as well. i hope he finds some peace with this, and some comfort in knowing that she is no longer in pain.

it's been wonderful!

2008-10-19T16:52:00.002-05:00

i always find it funny when people speak of their married lives, and lament over how 'making it' to a certain year has been challenging, or at best, shocking they got there. i have always wondered why anyone would say that about a person that they chose to spend the rest of their lives with. they pledged their heart to that person, and i for one, protect my heart and my love. often too, they created life, through love, with that person, and have children.

don't get me wrong, i don't live this disillusioned life where everyhting is roses, and sweet cheery pleasantries. sure, we've had bumps and bruises along this path, but celebrating eleven years as this man's wife, and life partner has been anything but challenging.

as i sit back and look at the time we've been together (22 years { gulp } i've known him. 13 years as a couple) i don't say things like "i can't believe we've lasted" or "how will i do another 11?!" what i find myself saying is this:

i am the lucky one
i thank my stars that someone sent me you
i am so happy that our children get to call you daddy
i am so excited for the next 111 years with you
and
i am more in love with you today than i was yesterday

happy anniversary, hon. 143 always.

xo me

witty

2008-10-16T13:02:00.002-05:00

have you, unlike i, been previously introduced to the website mixwit? i so wish i had been told about this ages ago .....

go, quickly, and check it.

you can mix your own TAPE. yes, i said tape. you download music onto an old fashioned tape (your choice, using any search vehicle) and once you save it, the tape you created will pop up larger on your screen, and it rolls through the music as if it were playing in an old fashioned tape recorder.

i'm a little addicted. i've already got three tapes with about 200 songs, and i'm working on several more. it's great fun, and so ..... old fashioned! my kids cracked up at the tapes on the computer.

go. have fun. listen to music!

this face

2008-10-15T20:44:00.003-05:00

it's been a while since you've seen this family member ....

he is absolutely fabulous. he turned 19 months last sunday ... still a babe. just having him in the room will make anyone smile. he is a personality unlike that of anything i've experienced. he is charming, and funny, and silly, and adoring.

and we all believe that soon, one day in the very near future, he's going to blink his eyes, and begin to answer the questions we ask him. we can all feel it.

oh, and living with an 8 year old girl will always give you plenty of pampering .... like pigtails when you need them most.

you know, for the photo shoot.

yum. yumm. yummm.

2008-10-14T12:15:00.003-05:00

i can barely speak i am in such a blissful happy full tummy level. we have a new bakery that opened near us. in reality, coming from the bakery haven (hundreds upon hundreds of mom and pop bakery locations ALL over!) that this area is, this information isn't exactly news worthy .... on most levels. i consider myself a bread expert. ask my belly, it'll tell you the truth. (fwiw - i laughed heartily at the Atkins diet - "eliminate carbs?! you crazy?! i'll die. right there. the first day. dead.")

back to the matter at hand .... bread. this bakery is so yummy, and so different. breads, treats, peet's coffee, and delicious wholesome mixes to make world famous pancakes at your house. it's all made with whole grain flour and premium grains.

you've likely got one nearby. quick - google it, and then run there. goodness gracious. .

great harvest bread co. is the name .... and it is so true. GREAT harvest - natural products, wholesome, nutritious, and 100% whole wheat flour. i purchased the cinnamon chip bread (it was HOT when i left the store ... good heavens to betsy) and i also purchased the monastery creamed honey spread in cinnamon flavor. SO not butter. honey with a dash of flavor.

absolutely outstanding. i didn't want my piece to end, so i savored it with a wonderful cup of tea.

and i'll be savoring a second piece once the kids get off the bus, and have one with me ... just 1 hour and 50 minutes from now. ..... 49 minutes. 48 ..... :)

gorgeous

2008-10-12T19:53:00.004-05:00

hayride enjoying. pumpkin picking. sunshine feeling. apple gathering.

butterfly watching .... mum loving.

i adore fall. i simply *heart* it.

the lift

2008-10-11T19:46:00.002-05:00

it's been a ride ... dunno know if i mentioned, cam's been in a new hockey league. we made a decision after 7 great years with the organization that he was with since he was 2, to give him the shot with the better hockey league in the state, and region. the change has been, to say the least a learning curve. the league is terrific, and very competitive. he is in the right place. no question, the right place now.

let me back up. they pursued him for 3 years prior to us "giving in". they asked him to be part of the team and the league, and we resisted. "he's very close to his teammates, he's made a name where he is, we're loyal ...." etc. long and short, this was the best move we could have made for him. even with the learning curve that we expected. he ultimately made the decision, he wanted to give it a shot. he was excited to work harder, and be part of a much better team and league.
he had no idea how hard he'd have to work. we had no idea this change would be so tough.

for the past month and a half he's been in a place that was a very new and uncomfortable place for him. he's been tentative, and thought - FULL while skating. he hasn't been intuitive. he hasn't trusted his gut, he hasn't let his instincts take the lead (as he had for 7 years) and he's been hesitant to play the way he normally does. he's been another kid on the ice. he's been so down, and so sad.

that all changed the last two days.

he's had some meetings with coach, he's had some long and deep chats with us, and he's gotten to know himself better through time, and thoughts - alone, and with his teammates.

today though, there was a clearing. a lift.

he scored a goal. his first goal as a Capital. it was against the 2nd place team in the league, and they are ranked 5th in the age group in the country. cam's team is ranked 12th.

he was visibly lifted. i asked sean if he also saw the weight from the kids shoulders move away from him towards the ceiling of the rink. he had two of the best games that we've seen him play, and the coach was elated. you could see the weight lifted from him as well. they were winning the game, and they were playing their heart's out. it was a wonderful thing.

and the best part of the game today is that i saw the return of my guy to the ice.

thank goodness. :)

rAnDoM

2008-10-05T14:45:00.003-05:00

thoughts and things ......

trying to get some sort of a recycling logo on my email signature stamp, and I find this one hilarious. I can't resize it, though so I don't know how I can get it on my sig.

making shepherd's pie for dinner ..... I know I've done this before and "featured it" here. But this one is Rachael Ray's (adore her!) and it's from my likely favorite cookbook of hers on days like this (yet ANOTHER rainy/dreary Sunday afternoon .... {sigh} )

the little gal and I worked together to get it done while the boys were off to (what's hopefully) Cam's final tryout for the AAU baseball team for next year (yes, you read that correctly)

(notice the jammies ... she actually changed to go to the grocery store with me, and when we returned, she changed back .... comfort a priority in this house?! yes, thankyouverymuch)

the meat. with carrots and corn. and worceshire, and beef gravy (homemade, I'll have you know. and the recipe didn't even call for homemade ... you know me, adding a step is what i do best!)

the finish line .... well, almost. gotta broil it, but timing that part for the boys arrival home. I know you're just dying for the actual recipe, but I don't actually want to type the whole thing out. no, that's not entirely true.

yes, yes it is. :)

busy week last week. relatively busy this week, but there is a really special treat of a trip to see my 3 month old niece in NY. Yay! (gotta get busy finishing the baby gifts ..... ) I have a work meeting near her house, so I am visiting she and my sil and bil. Looking very forward to it.

and my last random thought .... anyone else really shocked at the price of feeding a family these days? I went to the gorcery store, and limited my choices (mostly because I didn't need a "big shop" ... or so I thought) and the bill was just about 200.00! How does that even happen? I need to get better at coupon clipping, and watching sales.

You know, in my spare time. I need a secretary.

Hahaha, that's a good one.

Have a wonderful Sunday evening ..... and be sure to fill your belly with something yummy tonight .... and spend the night around the dinner table talking about the week that past and the fun stuff that's coming up! That's what I'm doing ..... :)

sign of shine

2008-09-30T12:13:00.004-05:00

these beauties are in my garden .... and i just had to come and share them with you. it's been raining for 5 straight days here, and today, just moments ago, we saw the greatbigballintheskythatresemblesthesun! it was so exciting that all of us (even the kids here eating from around the neighborhood) all went to the window and said ...."waoh. the sun!" it lasted for about 3.8 milliseconds (at least it felt like that) and then went behind the clouds again.

{sigh}

so, i thought, heck, i'll post a sign of shine and see if i can coerce the greatbigballoffire to make another appearance ..... soon.

but i gotta say, too, do you notice in the second picture, the enormous grasshopper in the flower? that flower is about 6 inches in diameter .... that's one big 'green hopper! :)

so ... hi!

2008-09-28T19:39:00.003-05:00

{waving sheepishly from the wings of the stage ....}

oooo, it's been a little bit here. and honestly, i have been meaning to get here to post some things, but life keeps getting in the way. you know, work, kids, husband, house, dogs, kids, activities, kids, husband, work. yada yada yada. we all have the same story.

BUT - i've got tons to say, but no time to do it. i've been cleaning and purging for a few weeks, and today, with my kids and husband. dear heavens you should SEE the basement! there is a floor down there, people! but here's my issue - i don't want to lose the groove i've got going .... so, instead of sitting here, typing, wasting some time, i'm heading to my closet to get rid of many, many things. i made a promise to me that if i haven't worn it in a year, it's going. to a women's shelter.

i've got photographic evidence of the busy we've been in. and i swear ... soon i'll post it~!

so, seeya, off to the closet. :)

nature things .....

2008-09-13T17:49:00.009-05:00

we've been playing a little bit here. enjoying the beginning of the fall, and checking into some routine that's been missing.

the other day i ventured to "frog pond" with the squirts. i'm embarrassed to say that i have never been there - it's been 4 years at this house - and i've not gone into the little area the kids discovered and told us all about. they named the little stream-and-brush area that because once they were there, talking and hanging out and there were 4 or 5 frogs just chillin' in the water. in truth, i don't think ANY of the adults on the street have been there, though ..... so, perhaps i was the first. and you know, it's a cute little area. it's a run off location for the rain water from the street. that's what makes the "pond" area. the water looks like a little brook and thank goodness it's clean and flowing only slightly so i'm not too worried about the depth (it's about and inch or so)

it's a little ways into the 'woods' here. it's found at the end of the cul de sac on our street, and it's about 300 yds in. lots of overgrown brush, and grass, and weeds. we sang and laughed on the way in. clearly happy that i was going with them. and with a camera!

and the view through the trees made me stop and think about how much we let get in the way of our day. stopping for a moment to look at the sunshine in our lives peeking through the leaves is so important~

and on the way out of our little adventure .... this is what we found on the weed next to the end of the journey ..... we're hoping to find her again as a beautiful butterfly!

and they just told me that they've seen her in the same location the next day, but the head was pointing in the other direction .... "we're hoping to find a puipa soon, and then the cuccoon, and then the butterfly." :)

so, we're now heading to get some ice cream as we venture off to the airport to get daddy from his business trip.

happy nature!

7 years

2008-09-11T21:20:00.003-05:00

and it still feels like it happened last week.
I am stilled by the memories.
I am aware of the wounds that remain open.
I am in awe of the resilience.
and I am forever changed.

like so many.

9-11-01

A few days ago I watched Flight 93. I had never seen it, and truthfully, chose not to see it until this past Monday. But I was moved to watch it this past week. It was close to impossible to watch for me, and so difficult to wrap my head around the circumstances that the families were handling. I cried my eyes out. Every emotion that I felt the day it happened 7 years ago flooded my brain, and tore at my heart. It was so hard to watch. I kept having to remind myself that this wasn't fiction .... this was fact.

Cam had asked to watch it, so we TiVo'd it and I told him I would preview it, and see if he was "able" to watch it. I erased it immediately after I viewed it. There was no way he was watching that movie.

We have changed so much as a society, I feel since that time, and we've seen some amazing things come of it.

I saw this on another blog that I visit and thought it was poignant for the day today. ** update: This is one of Mother Teresa's favorite poems written by a man named Keith Kent .... and it's perfect. and I'm not religious by any stretch. but this hits it on the head.

have a peaceful day .....

Do It Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, some could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

watching him hurt

2008-09-09T09:12:00.004-05:00

might be one of the hardest, and most emotionally charged part of being a parent. seeing your child, the flesh and blood that you created hurt, for whatever reason, brings me to my knees. there has to be an audible sound - a cracking - of my heart breaking. a raw tenderness consumes me as i watch him succumb to the sadness.

he didn't make a team.

it's the first time in his young life of athletics that this has happened, and he feels it. he knows it's the first.

and it hurts.

it was an aau baseball team for 10 and unders. there were 30 kids, the coach was taking 11. he was most likely a "bubble man". sitting in the bridesmaid spot of 12 or 13 as the choice. not selected.

*ouch*

but the silver lining in all of this, the reasonable side - big picture painting, if you will - rejection builds character. rejection makes you relive the moments of the trial, and improve, reach deeper, and be better the next time. rejection makes you more hungry. rejection, especially at this age, makes you realize that hard work will have to carry you, because talent isn't the only thing that can. rejection makes you a bigger, better soul. and it widens your heart to others that have been rejected. the company you now are in has a brotherhood - a strength.

and the determination and drive that you find from here can sometimes be exactly what you're in need of to take your 'game' to the next level. that's the teachable moment here. we're taking that to the bank, you can bet on it. it's fuel, and motivation. it'll be a wonderful carrot to lead the big guy with for many tryouts ahead of him.

in truth, baseball is cam's second sport, but has rapidly become an incredible passion. if we were in a warmer climate, i've no doubt that baseball would move quickly into the #1 spot, but weather limitations to outdoor practices here inhibit the level to which most kids get to. that and the time we spend in the ice rink, as well. so this is a crushing blow to the wee fella, as he played on a 9U aau team this summer (with many of those kids leaving that team/organization due to the coaching, cam decided to go to another organization and give it a whirl) this new tryout was with a more competitve organization, and there were lots of kids looking to be part of it, as well.

watching his reaction to sean telling him he wasn't selected was so hard for me. he took it very hard, and was deeply affected by it. i welled up with tears. sean's heart was visibly breaking, too as cam processed the information. he was devastated.

it hurt, down deep.

and to think - it's only the beginning.

{sigh} this parenting is thing is not easy.

8

2008-08-27T12:36:00.010-05:00

my dear k-gal,

it's hard for me to even type the words that best describe my heart right now. it is bittersweet to see yet another year move rapidly forward and bring you ever closer to the grown up version of my baby. i never thought that i was going to be lucky enough to have one, but i had two angels given to me. how was i chosen to have the honor of being your mom!? you teach me every day. you reach places in me that i can truly say it is because of your skill and gifts that find them in my soul. you make me a better person, a better mom, and truly a better wife to daddy. i love all the pieces of you. and the way they fit into the pieces of this family puzzle.

you shine like an evening star. you clear the mountain tops of the morning clouds in an instant with your smile. you bring such amazing energy to the place that you are in - wherever it is - and you glisten with the gentle, tender heart that you own. you spread your love, and your warmth to every living creature that touches your soul, and you in turn, change the world with your impact - how you change the workd! everyone and everything is better for the touch that you bring. you are magic, and beauty wrapped into a ball of red-hair and smiles. the giggles, the dancing, the singing, the joy - it's that spirit, that unbridled peace that you share willingly and lovingly.

you inspire!

thinking that you've been here for eight years gives me pause. how can it be? where has the time evaporated to? where is that rolly baby with the grin that stopped traffic? where is the wee one that watched intently as her brother merrily entertained her for hours, and hours?

your tenacity, and strong will are two things that i can surely say i've passed on to you - you are a force to be reckoned with, and one that packs a mighty result. you are stubborn, and persistent. you are charasmatic, and charming, and you are steadfast, and tireless. qualities indeed to be channeled in ways that will serve you well as you grow in this world. you will be strong, and accomplished. you will see it no other way. i've no worries about your placement as you grow. you'll always land on your feet, and find the best path. your heart will guide you here in this area, as well. and you will methodically, and cleanly make your decisions.

no regrets allowed!

but by golly, my heart does ache for the pain that comes with being a tender hearted, caring, and very open little girl. how i wish i could shelter you from the sting of lost love, or anger, or even the pain of sadness. if i could, i'd throw my blanket of love around you and tie that knot so that nothing could move in to hurt you, and nothing would make you cry - not ever. how i wish i could be the one to keep the bad guys away, forever. i'd be there to wipe every tear, and hold you close so the monsters went away. but i can't do that. i can only groom the wings that you sprouted that august morning back in 2000, and then i have to let the wings do the job they've been waiting to do. for a little while longer, though, i'll keep you close. hold you when i can - and love you with all of my heart. that, i'll do forever.

i'll let you show me the way to grow.

but i've gotta tell ya, i'd keep you eight forever if someone asked me to!

happy birthday, my sweet baby girl! may today be the beginning of a wonderful year!

i love you more today than yesterday.

and all the way to the moon and back.

three times.

xo, mommy

**(post started 8.22.08) **

shake it

2008-08-26T20:57:00.003-05:00

up just a smidge ... check out the new colors, links, blogs, and design sites that have been catching my interest lately ..... and for a while too.

be back soon with a BIRTHDAY post! :)

a new day

2008-08-20T08:34:00.002-05:00

and it feels like there are some clouds lifting from my head .... and my soul.

i think it may be related to the angst and fears of "new teacher/new class/new school year" kind of stuff. that and new adventure career wise for sean that started a few weeks ago.

what's really strange is this: for 9 1/2 and (gulp!) 8 years, we've been so focused and geared towards working with our resistent to transition children, and in all honesty WE too resist the transitions. well, i do. sean is likley better - he's so resilient, and embraces change with gusto. i ease in, and touch the water with one toe. once there, i'm full steam ahead, but getting there is the journey. my kids are the very same.

so, although we only tipped the toe in the water on monday, it in effect made me breathe a smidge easier. and the light began to come through the trees more brightly.

i think i'm sighing. a release, gentle sigh.

one step.

the new school year

2008-08-18T20:20:00.003-05:00

is looking pretty good! we had the annual hot dog roast tonight, and it was a smashing success ..... don't want to jinx us, but the two teachers seemingly are wonderful! and the very best part - oh, the sheer joy! - both kids have good friends WITH them in their classes! something that was missing last year for the two of them! yay!

it's a sigh of relief to say the least ... knowing how often i had come here to vent, release, cry, and just hammer away over some of the 'transition' things that cam was going through, and the teacher from 3rd grade being at the foundation of much of that (or at least we deduced that) is with any luck, a thing of the past ... distant, and gloriously left behind past. don't get me wrong, it was a learning experience for sure, and one that i am sure we'll not soon forget (possibly revisiting as we travel down the school path ...) but it was a very tough year with a less than stellar teacher .... who has no - zip, nada, zilch - personality, and energy. she is so very, very beige.
the new one - Mrs. C - 100 times the personality, and energy level. she's 25 tops, newlywed, happy to be a teacher, comes from a lineage of teachers in her family, and has so much planned for the year, with open arms for parent helpers! cam came to life when he met her, and spoke with her. he was intrigued, and bounced away after he saw which one she was .... as he went to bed tonight, i got an extra big hug with wonderful whispers of 'i can't wait for the shcool year to begin, mom .. it's gonna be a good one!'

oh, my heart sang. he loves school. he loves to learn, and be part of a learning community. he thrives on the good things that school brings to him ~ the breadth and scope of the learning he has there, social atmosphere, the community feel, the resources they provide, the warmth and love that is there, the charged electricity of an elementary school .... he truly adores school, and for that i am most grateful. my greatest fears from last year was the possibility of his teacher zapping his enthusiasm, and he was on that path - he was walking down it, reluctantly walking down, but just the same, going .... and the principal and i talked about it, and she intervened at her level, connecting with this little boy, and ensuring his love continued. she is a terrific woman, and insightful mommy, and a fabulous 'coach' when it comes to parenting. she saved his affection of learning ... for a few more precious moments while he is still in the community he is in. love her.

and kendall's class is the *other* third grade teacher (again, insightful principal that woman is! :) and she is wonderful. she has her bestest friends in her class ~ all 6 of them! (except for one, Ben who is her fabulous and spirited friend that dances, sings, and plays everything she loves to play ... he and she spent the most time together this summer, and i am certain it's something that will continue for years to come. they were both fine about the class this year, they'll be spending some time together i am sure!) the teacher she has is more academic, with an intense amount of expectations, yet, very positive, and growth oriented. i know that she will have yet another great year .... the second half last year was a little more challenging ... her teacher left on maternity, and the sub was rather stern. quite different than the first teacher, and of course, different than first grade, and kindergarten. so, she was over the moon too!! it helps, also that she is jonesing for this friday to get here .... she turns 8 on that day and has a girlfriend party, AND a family party the very same day! :)

a great way to celebrate the start to the new year! good friends, a party or two, and the promise of positive reationships with my children and their teachers!

yahoo!!

aquariums might be one of my favorite places

2008-07-29T19:35:00.007-05:00

and theirs too .... although there was a tremendous amount of talk about captivity, and sadness. still, the peace, and happiness was apparent on both ends

the penguins are always so entertaining ... kinda like the monkeys at the zoo, you know? and to the right is the Beluga Whale, one of the three at this particular aquarium.

and a very cool new exhibit where you could feed birds with little popsicle sticks and seed attached to the end .... reaching was the challenge, but once you did reach them, they adored the attention ..... the birds did too. ;) there was a wonderful Sea Lion show with a 27 year old male Sea Lion, a 22 year old female Sea Lion, and a new member - the 2 year old, rescued, and had refused to go back into the ocean - who was being trained to be an entertainer!

tired, but full of chatter, and excitement ... still, a moment of bliss. :)

have i mentioned .....

2008-07-28T20:21:00.007-05:00

that i have a husband who also plays sports?

that's him ... in the picture to the left here, the guy on the right in the photo. he plays shortstop for this team, and 2nd base for the other team he plays with. yes, that's a hole in his pants. have i mentioned he likes to slide?

that's him at bat. he's a pretty good hitter, but a great fielder.

he loves baseball.

it makes him so happy.

i love his butt in baseball pants.

or not .. in pants.

it makes me so happy.

oh, is that what this post is about?

ahem.

and .... okay, if the sky looks like this as it falls to evening during a game ... who am i to complain, anyway?!

have i mentioned that i am now a huge baseball fan. or at least a less-resistant one this year? ;)

it's the pants they wear.

ahem.

when the dreaming isn't always pleasant

2008-07-22T20:16:00.006-05:00

that's when the magic of the "go-away spray bottle"

filled with a special conconction of magic water, sparkles, and an undisclosed (supertopsecretifitellyouthenyoullneedtobetickledtilyoupee) ingredient comes out, and fills the air with the distinct odor of ++no monsters, no bad dreams, and no icky thoughts!++

along with the decorated and beautiful wands of "go-away and don't come into my room" made especially sweet, and especially beautiful by the little lady who was having the unpleasant thoughts fill her head ....

arrive at the house, our house, and find new homes making one's bedroom a wee bit safer, and of course, less inhabited by the bad dreams filling your head. when you're 7 that helps an awful lot.

that's when the dreams become more pleasant .... and we all have a better night's sleep.

{it hurts to see her hurt ... and the fear of bad dreams is so real. so tangible. i had to come up with some magic!}

friday, saturday, sunday ....

2008-07-21T14:21:00.008-05:00

fun weekend, and really sunny, hot, and full of family & friends.

Friday, our first visit to the beach! (typically only a few times a summer ... when you own a pool in your backyard, it's kinda like that ....)

chicken fights in the backyard .... laughter and loads of splashing!

my 17 year old niece and her fantastic boyfriend! (yes, she's got herself a redhead! :)

the best part of a "fantastic" boyfriend is the fact that he adores playing .... and when a certain 9 year old is involved with anything to do with playing, it'll go on and on and on ....

lots-a-swimmin' and lots of doin' nothing ....

..... and at the end of the day, sitting down with a warm towel, and hanging out.

mom's just a pain with that telephoto lens. ;)

living life all the way ....

2008-07-14T08:24:00.002-05:00

that's how i would describe both of my kids. all the time. every day. they truly don't know how to live life half way. you know, only go so far. be lazy, let the time pass away, just breathe and r.e.l.a.x. nah, that's boring

it's a foreign concept to them.

'i'm bored, what *else* can i do, now?'

sometimes it's tiring (hey, i'm an energetic kid too!) but most of the time it's exhilerating. they teach me so much. they show me that life is meant to be lived. to stretch and grow, and find the things that make you tick. it's summer afterall, and the schedule is completely turned around, and inside out, you know? there is nothing on the agenda most days (save for the camps, and activities they asked to be part of this summer) and they are eager to drink it all in.
lately, i haven't had the vip and vigor that i have always had with them. and when they demand that i help them 'find something to do' it's annoying, to be honest. i am the one that's made the plans, and scheduled the "scheduled" activities for them. do i really need to be the one that entertains them too?

yes. yes, i do. i know.

:-)

relating to that paradigm shift, and the changes that we've been feeling a little bit this year, i think i'm just worn out a smidge. tired ... i'm feeling like i can zip it up a notch or thirty though, and perhaps that will help me begin to live life the way you're supposed to according to the wee redheads in my life.

all the way. ;)

the spirit moved me ...

2008-07-13T20:02:00.002-05:00

:)

to check out my friend Nichole's blog, and there was a survey. funny thing, generally, i don't do these in email, but for some reason, this one looked fun. maybe it's because it was on her blog.

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? two sets of headphones for the DVD in the car, a blanket or two, a spare seatbelt adaptor for the kids seat, an empty Gatorade bottle, a 1/2 full water bottle. it's all neatly in place though, seriously. ;)

2. When was the last time you threw up? December 15th. messy evening that was.

3. What's your favorite curse word? f*ck. it's true, as UN feminine as it gets, but it's so cathartic.

4. Name three people who made you smile today? my two kids, my husband

5. What were you doing at 8am this morning? laying blistfully awake in bed listening to Higgins wake up

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? eating dinner with the family on a deck by the water.

7. What will you be doing three hours from now? s.l.e.e.p.i.n.g

8. Have you ever been to a strip club? yes, and i had an absolute blast! even had a lap dance ... betcha wanna hear THAT detail, don't ya?!

9. What is the last thing you said aloud? ".... please don't argue with each other, just jump in the shower." to my two cherubs. ;)

10. What is the best ice cream flavor? vanillla, mint chocolate chip, peanut butter ANYTHING. sorry, can't choose.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Sam Adams Summer Ale

13. What was the last thing you ate? grilled fish

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? no. trying to keep the buying to a minimum

15. When was the last time you ran? haven't been chased, what the hell would i be running *from*? :)

16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Red Sox today

18. Who is the last person you emailed? Cam's hockey coach

19. Ever go camping? dear god, yes. i saw 26 states by the time i was 16 years old, and all of them were in a car, traveling with a pop up camper.

20. Do you have a tan? i have a healthy summer glow about me right now. lotsa baseball, and lotsa pool time with the kiddies

24 (?). Do you drink your soda from a straw? don't drink soda, and generally only use straws at restaurants, and places that i am not comfortable drinking from the glass.

25. What did your last IM say? don't do im'ing. text was to my gym partner - something about tomorrow's time to the gym.

26. Are you someone's best friend? yes.

27. What are you doing tomorrow? to the gym early, then hitting the grind to get organized with work. then home with the kids while sean has a meeting.

28. Where is your mom right now? in her car with my dad heading back home from dinner with us.

29. Look to your left, what do you see? a pile of "to do's" for tomorrow, and my laptop.

30. What color is your watch? my wha ...? haven't worn a watch in almost 11 years. my phone is my time keeper.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia? a place i have to visit before i die. and kangaroos. :)

32. Would you consider plastic surgery? i don't necessarily think so.

33. What is your birthstone? aquamarine

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through? Dunkin is the only "fast food" i will do - and if there is a drive through, it's got my name all over it. i hate going inside.

35. How many kids do you want? got two, and a husband. technically, that makes three. today - right now- i want three. i don't know how i'd handle more than what i've got.

36. Do you have a dog? uhm. three. yes, 3 dogs.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone? my husband at 3:20 today, that was the last phone call i made.

38. Have you met anyone famous? yes, a few folks.

39. Any plans today? it's the conclusion of the day ... my plans include a face wash, teeth brushing, contact out, and a crash into my nice clean sheets!

40. How many states have you lived in? 3

41. Ever go to college? yep, sure did.

42. Where are you right now? in my office at home

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? sibling rivalry and my husband's short fuse for it.

44. Last song listened to? Take Me Away

46. Are you allergic to anything? lactose intolerance

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? anything flip flop in nature.

48. Are you jealous of anyone? sure, but it's alwasy petty and silly, and i convince myself that i'm being ridiculous and goofy and it's over.

50. Is anyone jealous of you? perhaps .... again, silly i am sure.

51. What time is it?9:26 PM

52. Do any of your friends have children? i have very few friends that *don't* have kids

53. Do you eat healthy? yes, and i try to instill that in my kids and husband too. we are an *everything in moderation* kind of family

54. What do you usually do during the day? take care of the family, work, go to the gym, and breathe .....

55. Do you hate anyone right now?absolutely not

56. Do you use the word hello daily? uhm ... yes.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? {gulp} 41

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags? no i haven't. and my kids think they are deprived because they haven't either.

60. How did you get one of your scars? a rock was thrown with the intention of going over my head, i slipped, and fell, and the rock (poorly aimed) hit me square in the eyebrow of my right eye. i was 7. it was my brother's buddy, the boy with the adorable smile, scotty white. :) i forgave him, and so did my mom.

fun stuff ... anyone else wanna play?

who? where? when?

2008-06-24T11:42:00.004-05:00

me.

all over.

all the time.

it's been a whirlwind of a month. i cannot believe that i haven't posted in a month here. shocking, and yet, so understanding.

my life has been no different than it has ever been, honestly. i just haven't made it here to post on my site. i think i have sporadic blocks. indifference to keeping this active, and i think concern that what i am writing isn't all that interesting to anyone but me. but alas, i don't write for "interest" or even "entertainment. i am writing to journal this time.

so where, who, what have we been up to? we've had baseball (lotsa) and softball (reasonable amount) and hockey (just started) and end of school (hooray!) and settling ino to the summer routine (yay!) and interviewing babysitters (uhm ..) and work (boo!) and friends (hooray!) and babyshowers (hooray!) and barbeques (hooray!) and gearing up for vacation (hooray!) and cleansing the extras here in our lives (finally!) and .... oh, so much. it's been good, and busy, and fun, and cleansing.

i've adopted a new approach to time - time with my kids, time with my husband, time for me - just in general, i am more aware of the moments that i have. more in tune with the peace, and the incredible balance that is essential to achieve, and grasp in order to have time. the kids are enjoying the new approach. they have a super duper sticker chart (going back to previous times in their lives that were very beneficial!) and it's working well. they are achieving success, and realizing that life doesn't have to be so cluttered with things, and thoughts .... they are learning to "fly and be free!"
it's been a very interesting start to the year 2008. i feel like i went through a paradigm shift and looking back, i might still be processing the shift. it feels good (finally) and it feels right. timing wise, it was not necessarily accepted by me, but for the most part, i have come to terms with that, and realized that life hands you things that maybe shake you up for a reason. i've felt the shake. and i'm still feeling the shake. it's a great realization, though, and i am thankful for it.

so, with that, i will continue to process, and shift. and i will continue to let the "spirit" move me to writing. forcing it never works anyway. ;)

request

2008-05-29T20:13:00.002-05:00

if you've got any spare positive vibes hanging around awaiting their next assignment ... i may be able to keep 'em busy for a little while.

my husband got some shocking, and disappointing news today on a new career he had been working really hard at launching into (everyone is very shocked by the news, to be honest) and he is sad, and truly dejected.

if you've got some good thoughts for him ... and for the new path he is creating ... i know he'd (and i) would appreciate it.

i'll tell you what, too, with all the sad, tragic, and disturbing news that has been a part of our lives the last few weeks ... i have found a way to breathe, and peel off the layers, and just listen to what's happening all around me.

the process to get where we want to be is a journey through the time of where we are today.

thanks for the pv's.

summertime kickoff ...

2008-05-26T20:56:00.003-05:00

this is the natural kickoff to the season of summer. typically, i am better prepared for summer which usually means i have done a fine job of 'nesting' and 'orchestrating' how all the pieces of the puzzle will fit into place for the coming months.

you know, things like kids out of school in 3 short weeks means that they will be needing childcare-ish coverage ~ normally i've got that solidly in place with a dry run already done, and the sitter has spent some quality time with the kids. i've got the sitter, yes, but she hasn't done the dry run just yet - nor has she spent lots of time with the kids because frankly, she doesn't have that time to give away (great athlete on two soccer teams, and in high school so social life this time of year is important ... i recognize the priorities when you're 16/17) and truthfully, my kids don't necessarily have that time to give away either, so we haven't done that part of it.

i've usually got the summer camp schedule in place for the squirts - i know *which* camps, but not the details of said camps. each wants a one week camp secured.

our pool is typically open already, but we have a slight bump in the road with that opening. should be solved this week, but again, ill prepared for that.

so, historically speaking, these shortfalls would wreak havoc on my nerves, and cause all kinds of headaches, and frustrations.

i think age is mellowing me. i am truly feeling like "it'll all get done, and we'll all be just fine". sometimes, too, flying by the seat of your pants works out a little better than really planning to the very last detail and drop.

crap.

my husband has worn off on me. not even 11 years married yet, and he's changed my thinking. ;)

i'll leave you with this little driplet of summer right around the corner:

these little darlings are the most beautiful blooms of the hanging plant on my front porch ..... gorgeous in color, and fragrance. maybe they are helping my angst too. :)

good question

2008-05-24T21:15:00.003-05:00

sometimes in all the honesty and forthright answers we (sean and i) made a commitment to sticking with, there is that comment back that throws us.

today, it happened. to me.

sean was with kendall at gymnastics, and cam and i were running a few errands, over the radio in the car, an ad for prostate cancer runs. cam waits until the completion to ask me his questions.

"mom, what's prostate cancer?"

"well, the prostate is an organ close to the penis and testicles, and gettting cancer in that organ can be common. usually it doesn't affect people until they are much older than you, and even daddy" (he, sadly, has been made aware of a diganosis of cancer through some friends, and family so that was easily understood)

looking at me with a little bit of a smirk, he says " mom, seriously, no need to spell it out, just say groin."

yah, okay kid.

karma

2008-05-23T13:48:00.004-05:00

it's all about it.

i am a positive person by nature. i feel strongly that if you keep the 'view' half full, the vibe will repay all the goodness that you share.

things are motoring along well, and i am keeping the sail 'righted' as i mentioned previously. i am looking to see some good things happening from a work perspective, as well, we are anticipating some good things from sean's work. the kids are done with school in 3 weeks, and they are picking up speed with excitement every day (i believe i heard the last "days to go" count from one of them this morning - 14 including today, if you're counting)

my backyard is beginning to take the form of a summertime backyard, and that makes me all kinds of happy. the flowers are all planted - every pot is full. i can't take any credit for that, my mom is my gardener. the pool will be opened this week sometime, and the batting cage will be completed within a month, we hope. the brick terrace, and walways are in the planning stages, and i just need to coerce ... oops, i mean convince, my dad to get 'em done!

it's friday of the long weekend, and i am gearing up for lots of outdoor time with the family (6 baseball games/softball games before the championship game monday if cam's team makes it in the tournament) and working on the yard in between. the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the dogs are smiling.

on another front, we just got word that one of my bucket list (you know, the things you want to do before you kick the proverbial bucket) items will be fulfilled this fall - cam's new hockey team that he is on will be going to CANADA for a tournament! woohoo! so excited for that trip - and we are planning on having a great time there.

so, there we have it ... a positive, karma-type post. i am planning on keeping it real, of course, and truth be told, still working through the tough things that have been happening to people all around me. but the reality is, life is real. and these things are real - but it's all in how you respond.

:) i choose to be grateful, and thankful, and supportive. and that helps me keep my head about me.

karma. i believe in it.

right the sail

2008-05-17T20:20:00.000-05:00

i'm finding the way through the stormy weather ... it's been challenging, yes, and at times, exhausting. but as is the case with most 'lives' sometimes, they aren't smooth sailing - it's all in how we respond and react.

long chats with sean; supportive discussions with some others that i love; and warm hugs and kisses.

that always helps.

xo, and thanks for the support.

preoccupied with some thoughts ....

2008-05-15T11:27:00.002-05:00

and they aren't exactly the kind of thoughts one would like to be preoccupied with.

for the last several weeks, it feels as though my exterior world has been screaming at me to

stop!
look around!
take notice!
rejoice in the moment!
and
breathe!

an old friend from the kids nursery school found out last fall that her healthy and happy 5 year old (former micro-preemie baby that battled all odds of living at all- born at 27 weeks!) had a cancerous brain tumor. she has been in chemo since that time - ding okay, and fighting the good fight, but ... 5? cancer?

i have been following for several months an amazing, and conversely truly uplifting story on a blog of a woman whose 4th daughter was born april 7th, and died 2+ hours later. this mother knowingly chose to carry to term, and lose, this angel with a diagnosis of Trisomy 18. angela, the mom, is the strongest, and most beautiful person i have ever come across. (audrey caroline is the baby, and their story can be read at Bring The Rain blog)

a good friend of mine lost her mother in law to alzheimer's rather unexpectedly (although ill, it was not end-stage, and therefore, shocked with her sudden death)

another good friend lost her mother tragically when she had a stroke while taking care of her youngest at her (my friend's) home. she died instantly, and the 4 year old saw the whole thing.

another friend, with horrible nut allergies, from the gym died tragically after ingesting hazelnut frosting from a cake as she scooped the frosting on her finger on the way out of the restaurant two weeks ago. she had a cardiac arrest at the emergency room, and never woke up. she was in a coma for two weeks with no brain activity. they buried her today, and i went to the funeral. when her 9 and 7 year old babies (the same age as my two children) began to quietly cry as they brought her body into the church, i lost it.

i think it was the culmination of such tragedy and grief all around me.

i am sullen and quiet today.

overwhelmed with the thoughts.

and reaching for the strength to grasp all of this.

my grateful box is getting all kinds of entries lately.

i am so grateful.

i was gonna .....

2008-05-12T19:56:00.004-05:00

....come here and complain about the challenging moments that have been enveloping my head, and stealing precious time from me.

.....tell you about the daily struggles that have been ever-present for a few, er, weeks here.

.....put to words the particularly hair raising arguing that my two cherubic redheaded children appear to be convinced is the *right thing* to do - ahem - regardless of the consistent request from me and sean to end that *wrong thing NOW*

..... let you in on a glimmer of my days as they have been so entertaining, and particularly so.

BUT - the above is not worthy of giving to the blog. certainly, YOU fine folks don't need to be tortured with any of it.

so, i will keep those yummy little nuggets of negative banter to me, and allow you this:

hot shot, potato, isn't she? ;) she is diggin' it a little bit. the competition, as i've mentioned is not her bag. she is all about the social aspect, the fun friends, the enjoyment of the team atmosphere, and "the playing". but the competition - not so much.

she is teaching me all about living like this. i was more competitive. i challenged myself competitively (reaching to improve my best time in the pool, as an example) however, not really competitive with others. the big brother is more outwardly competitive.

she is her own drummer, and dances to the beat that she sets. she isn't waiting for anyone else to set the tone, or the beat. she likes your beat, and she'll listen, but she wants her own, and if you'd like, you can listen to hers, too. she'll share. she'll share just about anything with you. she's got broad shoulders, and a huge heart. she's tough as nails, and as fragile as an egg shell.

they find a way to be the best of friends, and then argue like the worst of enemies. they are so different on so many levels, and so similar on so many others. but - when the earth and the moon are aligned just right, i even get peace and harmony inside my home.

which gives me peace and harmony inside my head.

which makes my heart sing.

and that makes all the bulls*it go away. and then i can come here and write about shiny happy people and things in my life.

{there, i feel so much better}

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T19:30:00.002-05:00

Happy Mother's Day to one and all throughout the land! :)

'twas a lovely day .. rleaxing, and enjoyable, and entertaining. had a date last night, just he and I, met some friends too, and then a nap this afternoon to sneak in a catch-up from the sleep I lost after getting home entirely too late. got some fabulous homemade cards today, and some sweet homemade gifts, a pretty new sun dress, and love. I got lots of love.

so, today, and all the days ahead - may the mommy-love continue for you!

Hi

2008-05-06T17:10:00.002-05:00

it's been so long, starting with anything other than that would be weird.

and truthfully, i can't even summarize the last month or so with a fitting title other than 'hello' because there are so many things that have been going on.

i wish i was able to sit and type~daily. i think it was writers block on some levels, and it was the lack of clarity that anything i am doing is interesting enough for the blog, for anyone to read. i always come back to the fact that i am doing this for me ... for no one else, but for me to somehow put to words the memories that are forming in my head, and my heart ... and with my family. some of them have been beautiful and fun, and silly, and playful. some of them have been rough and dimpled - you nkow real life. snapshots of a family living in a time that brings with it glorious moments, and ugly moments. we see them all, and thankfully, the latter is far fewer!

so, with that said, a review of the past month or so.

March 29 was my surprise party, and it was wonderful! (did i already mention that here? ;) my husband is a fantastic specimen of a man. the best, really. so, ladies, if you're still looking for the 'best' you better just resign yourself to settle, cause i already snagged him! kidding! really - he rocks, and the party was a huge fun time with all the people i love (well, MOST) in one place! 40 was easy to take in!

sadly, i have had two close friends suddenly lose their mom and mother in law in the last month. one was an tragic accident at her homw, the other a stroke. while they were not young, the sting of suddenly saying goodbye to them has truly brought them both to their knees. also, a very young mom i know distantly from the gym sufffered from a peanut allergy reaction at dinner with her new fiance, and is in a coma with little to no brain activity. they aren't expecting her to survive. she has two young girls, 9 and 7 years old. the worst part is her brother and sister were tragically killed 2 and 3 years ago. she was the last surviving child for this family. keep the parents in your thoughts .... gives you pause, for sure.

cam's AAU baseball team is having a blast! he has had several double headers, and his town little league has started as well (he pitched last night, and did GREAT!) we also went to Maryland with the AAU team, and played at Ripken stadium! it was a terrific tournament, and he had a really good time. they were undersdogs playing in the 10 year old level, but did great!

softball has begun, and she is practicing (begrudgenly ... ugh) quite a bit. they have had three games, and they are 2-1 right now. she's playing very well, and likes games far more than practice, but isn't the competitive kid that her big brother is, that's for sure ... not a problem here, but certainly different! i am hoping to keep her activly involved with sports for the movement aspect, sadly though, the competition seems to be so important on so many levels.
:0\

work has been insanely busy! i have been traveling, and having to be in certain hospitals supporting trials, and equipment investigations, and just plain "selling" more than in the recent months. it is good, but it is exhausting, and likely the reason coupled with the family activites and things, that i haven't been here too much!

higgins was in a dog show! sounds hilarious, i know ... the breeder asked him to be part of the Newfie Specialty Nationals here in New England so we of course agreed - he did GREAT! however, forgive me for this, dog show people are the weirdest subculture of people i have ever come accross. there are truly some whacky folks completely tied around the dogs showing and being 'championship' level animals. higgins is a pet - the most loved and tenderly treated pet out there - but he was way out of his league with primped and pampered pooches. and they were all newfs, too! the highligh was the final day, he was entered in the 3 generations ring so it was he, his mom, and his grandmom in the ring - they got 4th! woohoo!! he's a ribboned champ!
there were only 4 entires ... but hey HE GOT A RIBBON!!! :O) we're so proud!

auntie amy is closing in on her due date - july 4 - and we are having a party for her .... soon. (she could be visiting here, can't reveal the date or details. hehe. found out too that sean's little bro is expecting #2 in about 8 months. there's a story there .... but we are hoping for the best there.

we're pretty sure that cam is suffering from seasonal allergies these days. different than the fall headaches, but he was struggling to breath (deep long inhales almost like he was trying to catch his breath) so trying claritan right now. hope it works.

we said goodbye to his long standing hockey league last weekend. the banquet was sunday and we had the chance to see everyone. it was hard saying goodbye, but surely, we are making the right decision for him. who knows, too, he could be back there someday!

i have flowers, and blooms, and green green grass in the yard! i have tons of pictures that i have been taking and i promise to be posting them over the next few weeks here ... i need to.

if you've made it this far, thanks ... and thanks also for being so patient with me. :-)

"miss"matched

2008-04-11T14:54:00.002-05:00

does your spirited sweetheart simply *love* to be colorful, and full of whimsy?

mine does, and i have been wanting to get her these sox ever since i first saw them ...

go here and check out how stinkin' cute this is ..... http://www.littlemissmatched.com/

home opener!

2008-04-08T13:01:00.004-05:00

another SURE sign that the spring is upon us, peeps. the first pitch was thrown by Buckner. my husband sat and cried (along with the millions of other LIFELONG fans watching) as he threw the ball. {sniff}

bring it on. can't wait to go to Fenway this year .... woohoo!

sure signs that the newest season is upon us ....

2008-04-07T13:12:00.015-05:00

despite the weather outside here in the good 'ole Northeast, the calendar states SPRING, and the activities say SPRING. so i say SPRING, and took some happy snaps!!

here we have the first pictorial evidence of one 9 year old viola playing phenom ... well, that would be a stretch, but hey, who could be more proud of a well rounded kid like this?! cam's school had a string concert recently (3rd grade begins musical instrument instruction, apprently there will be a voice concert for the ENTIRE school coming up in the next couple of weeks!)

and he was so proud of himself at the conclusion of the show, he couldn't stop the grins ... (and neither could his fans!! :) :) :)

he mentioned clarinet or the flute for next year, and even asked about horns! way cool, right? and kendall gets to start next year, and she's mentioned the violin! :O)

this here my friends, is the first sprig of GREEN in the garden ... this is a picture of HOPE! this was about two weeks ago ... and man, oh, man was i hoping for this to begin and SOON!

and this was TODAY! these are from different gardens, and different plants than the first one above, but look - LOOK AT ALL THAT GREEN!!! and the last one has purple .. PURPLE people! yahhhhoooooo!!!! and kendall was the one to tell me about the purple ... she was tickled to pieces that she found it! :O) :O) :O) obvioulsy has the same spring fever that he mother has .... heh

okay, next up we have the favorite American pastime ....

this, my friends, is the kickoff game for the AAU team he is on. they had a double header yesterday .... his town league team has begun practices, but games a few weeks off, so this is a great headstart for him! the little sister is in practices now too for softball and she'll be sharing the limelight with him soon with some snazzy shots crow hoppin' and whacking the ball out of the park! she is enjoying herself immensely, and is decidedly happier to be on a "real team" this year versus the instructional type from last year ... egads, right?

so, be on the lookout for some more photos soon, as the activities seem to be a-multiplying with the weather finally breaking a tad!

spring is spring-ing! and i couldn't be more happy!

enjoy .......

attitude

2008-04-03T18:10:00.002-05:00

i have to begin this post, in the shadow of that loaded title, with a wee bit of a disclaimer:

i invited said attitude.
i raised him to be independent, and strong.
i encouraged him to use his big personality, to be "noticed" (in a good way ...)
i reveled in his rich, full-of-gusto approach to life.

i did.

however,
(this is the part that i dispell any preconceived notion that I KNEW WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING WHEN I BEGAN THE ABOVE PROCESS)

i was not planning on the sass. i was not planning on the determination of red-head will (who knew about THAT?!) i was not, and i repeat, n.o.t. expecting it to actually work.

good maude.

much of this is stemming from the teacher thing at school, still. it has not mushroomed any further than the last time i mentioned it, it is just so clearly affecting his attitude. he doesn't have any of this "sass" on days she is not in and he has a substitute (happened yesterday - "oh, mom, the sub was AWESOME - she is so nice, she gave us time to be creative, and show her, and gave me high fives for my work!" who knew that positive feedback worked for 9 year old boys ... amazing!) he is full of it on days that they've butted horns, or he's not been a complete quiet mouse in the room - not many of those - it is so evident that she isn't commending his good work. he was the only one to get ANY spelling words correct on the test - actually he got them ALL correct, and no one else did! and we got nothing home. NOTHING. we found this out from another parent days after the spelling test. argh .. there's more, but that's that ...

and then there's the inherent competitiveness he seems unwilling to temper. first in all things, this kid needs to be. on the bus, to brush teeth, to take a shower, to be done with homework ... all of it. his sister is not a big fan of that when it affects her. she isn't competitive at all, but if he is insisting on being first for let's say, a Wii tournament, well, she isn't all that forgiving- especially if he's been first for the last "1200 turns". there've been some heated discussions, and often it's ended by me, turning it off. and that's met with a wee bit of grief, as you can imagine.

he is spreading his wings. he is testing the battle zone. he is doing this because ... well, because he can.

i am so glad i am 40 now, 'cause you know what - one of my presents to me was patience. that and the security that with patience comes maintenance of already very low blood pressure. the alternative is not appealing. so, i will prevail in this attitude from this 9 year old redhead. he is a mere 9 years old, afterall.

and i taught him everything he knows.

see, my fault.

heard

2008-04-01T22:28:00.001-05:00

"... jeeez, this is hard!"

" yeah, i am sweating ..."

" wonder what we look like through the window"

" hahahahhahahaha"

Wii shenanigans ..... this is going to be a blast!

what a whirlwind!

2008-04-01T19:01:00.003-05:00

turning 40 was enough "excitement" but since then, things have just increased with speed ....

busy week with work, trying to get myself ready for the next few months and close some open business;hockey tryouts for a new organization for the big guy; he was selected on this highly competitive team, and very excited about it; a first time string concert for the fella (the viola!); softball selections, and notification of the team she is on; AAU baseball distribution of team apparel, and two scrimmages; a visit from the sister in law; a surprise party with 100 guests in my honor.....

MY honor! :o) {{{grins}}} what a blast and super surprise that was!!!

and today, today ... we bought the Wii. the kids gathered their birthday money collections from the last two years, and we threw in a few dollars, and we bought the Wii. perhaps the last family on the planet to give in, and actually do it ... what a great little gadget ... i just videotaped sean and cam boxing and having an absolute blast at it!

so ... i have several photos to download, and lots to catch up ... you know, the blogging thing was easier when i was determined to do it every day.
\
hehe

four-oh

2008-03-24T20:52:00.003-05:00

yep. that's my age. today was the day, 40 years ago, that i made my family a "table of 5". i am pretty certain that i changed the lives that were present at that time. for the better, i'd like to think.

and honestly, that's a pretty cool thing to think about. i hope i continue to impact those around me positively, and "in the better". and i hope it happens for many years to come. 'cause really, 40 is the new 30.

have you heard?

but for today, i am 40.

14 days

2008-03-20T10:57:00.006-05:00

since my last post. time flies when you're havin' fun!

but really, life just started moving fast about two weeks ago, and kind of kept on ticking. so what's been going on?

let's see, shall we?

cameron had baseball tryouts
then he had a playoff hockey game for one of his teams - tough loss 1-0!
two or three brithday parties ... can't keep track
kendall had a gymnastics meet - she ROCKED!
kendall then had softball tryouts - again, rockin' it!
we had a hockey team function at the local AHL team location. they played a game vs another young local team, and then we watched the AHL game that afternoon
the state hockey playoffs began - they are kickin' it with a 4th game tonight - if they win, they are in the championship game!
sean and i crashed a wedding (not a *true* crash - a really fun crash that was kinda sorta planned)
AAU baseball practices, and fun events
St. Paddy's day celebration weekend, and recovery. ;)
sean's soon-to-be work function, and fundraiser for a local burn center
oh yeah, and - school, work, and general life with two young kids ... also.

so, see, kinda busy. but all good, clean busy.

Mr. Higgins turned one last week. isn't he the most adorable thing on the earth right now? :O) well, besides my kids of course.

so, i think that's about the size of the update .... will hopefully be a bit better with blogging.

laters -

girls ROCK!

2008-03-06T16:53:00.005-05:00

that girl right in the middle with a big grinning hollar is my niece Jess..... she and her teammates clinched the state high school girls Div II title last night .... she had 7 goals in 4 games, 4 of the goals and one assist in the game before last night, and then a goal and an assist on the game winning overtime goal last night to seal the deal. my girl got MVP of the playoffs, and celebrated like a champ!

she is the classiest kid too. check this out - the college where they played the games gave her the game puck and told her she rocked, and she placed the puck in the middle of the lockeroom floor and told her team that it wasn't her puck, it was the TEAM puck. coach took it and will cut it into 19 pieces for the entire team to have as memorabilia. awesome.

the coolest thing, too? she is a FRESHMAN in high school. she still has three more years to keep on keepin' on.

i am, WE are, SO SO Proud!!!

Jess, you rock, girl!!!!!

wanting ... and getting .. a little control

2008-03-05T16:14:00.005-05:00

so, i am one of those parents that *tries* to choose my battles. sometimes, i fall from grace, and yes, fight them ALL. but other times, and thankfully, more often than not (i hope) i choose them.

together, sean and i have chosen not to fight the battle of the hair. the kid wanted long(er) hair. he was seeking some control in his life over his body and appearance(as is the norm for 9 years old, i suspect).

so we've gone from this: (he's on the left - :)

to this:

and personally, i think it is downright adorable! he wants to let the front grow more, but keep the back "in check and not too long". he brushes it, and wets it in the morning, and even adds some gel to the wrangly bed head strands when he needs to. i don't know how long it will last once we get the scorching temperatures this summer, but until he says good bye to it, we're stickin' with it.

and truthfully, controlling ones appearance is one of the first steps to ... gulp ... growing up, isn't it?

{sigh}

feelin' awesome ...

2008-03-05T12:14:00.002-05:00

great workout today - endorphins running HIGH!

sean heard from the great job he is excited about and the owner wants him to fly down to meet him. good sign, there, for sure!

spring weather with NO RAIN today!

woohoo! good day .....

primary election ... rain ... bryan is HOME! ...spring temps ... chocolate chunk cookies ... art! ... baseball softball ... gymnastics hockey playoffs

2008-03-04T19:37:00.004-05:00

yeah. that's what my thoughts are right now .....

today was the primary for our state. cameron asked to come and vote - he wanted to vote for the candidate that he'd like to win. i was loving this .. not only a great opp to teach about the process, but his interest was so real. he saw the ballots, and the machines, and all the people, and he was fascinated with the HUGE district book of names, and addresses "all those people are voting in this election?!" good stuff .... and it's only the beginning!

the rain fell today, and it will be falling until thursday here. :O( the rain with the spring temps makes lots and lots and lots and lots of .... mud. bleck. mud on 12 paws is hard to keep up with. however, it's just a brief moment until the green, green grass covers the cold winter grounds, and we don't have the mud anymore. :o)

Bryan is home - in hawai'i! safe, sound, and sunburned already from all the golf he played over the weekend! :) i am sure his skin was pasty white ... but he is happy as can be to be home .... as are cam and kendall. all they kept saying on the phone was 'i'm so happy you're home ... so happy!' {{warm feeling}}

i made chocolate chunk cookies tonight ... someone has been waiting patiently for them.he's such a sport to wait. my choco-holic hubby. :)

the kids have been drawing/creating fanatics! i am loving it - and kendall has been using my old sketch book that i never completed. (gasp!) but it was prolly number 3276 sketch book at that point. heh

baseball is almost in full swing. (pun intended) sean is at the cage tonight practicing, and cam's been going once a week for two months or so. evals are this coming weekend for town league selection. he's already on an aau team, so he's pretty psyched. softball evals are next weekend ... practice has been sparce for the little gal, but daddy will be sure to get some in before the eval.

she has a gym meet this weekend, and cam starts hockey playoffs this weekend too.

in a nutshell. life's a little nutty. but it's a good nutty .... and i am going out with the gals tomorrow night just to let off some steam ....

OOO! my niece scored 4 goals last night at her high school playoof game, and catapulted the team into the finals! wish her luck - game's tomorrow night !! :O)

that's all - off to jam in some work - lol!

Flopper has a birthday!

2008-03-01T16:10:00.014-05:00

ah, yes, we all have them. birthdays. even when you're white, fluffy, and well loved by a certain 7 year old.

so, we began with this: mixing of the cake...

licking of mixing utensils along with the obligatory sharing of said utensils with the big brother ....

place it carefully in the oven so that the heat doesn't getcha in the face ....
cheat with the "easy frosting" .... because you can.

invite the noble neighbors, the lovely friends, and of course, the rich and famous ....

sing the song .... cut the goodies ... and indulge!

'twas a lovely afternoon, one filled with girlie chatter, and silly giggles. the big brother got involved, and there was a spill or two, but in the end, a very respectable way to age up. if you are a fluffy, white, loved bunny.

indeed.

settle down

2008-02-28T20:57:00.003-05:00

that's what i feel like i am doing these past few days .... just trying to get the dust to adjust, you know?

i don't mean to be disappearing (as if anyone noticed! :-) but i am seriously just coordinating life as we know it right now.

so bullet points it is as i don't know where to connect all these dang dots!

* sean & cam were sick with the ick last week while i was away (no guilt there, nah ... none... nope) they are feeling better, sean seems to be lingering on with the "snoggy nose" as we call it here
* kendall started the illness this past saturday and had her first EVER day out of school monday. came home early today still "snoggy" and headache-y. hoping for better tomorrow
* the hockey thing (have i even mentioned that here?!) is all consuming. in a nutshell? we are shifting leagues to give cam a more competitive arena to play in, and better players, and the backlash from his current coach has been painfully and shockingly awful. ab.so.lute.ly.awful.
* sean is awaiting word on this amazing opportunity he is pretty sure will shake out his way with this foundation and fundraising gig that should be just a perfect fit. keep your fingers crossed for him, yes?
* cameron found a new obsession Diary of A Wimpy Kid series. devoured the first book in two days. i just ordered the second one for Easter for him. comical reading, and perfect for the jokester.
* kendall has a "book in a can" project that she's doing ... it's a TRUE 2nd grade project. i bet i won't even need to be a part of it! woooohooooo!!! (you can assume here that previous projects have honestly been ones that NEEDED and required parental involvement because of the complexity. really, is it MY project or the kids????? i always make THEM do it though!) i'll take photos of this one!!
* school for cam has been much, much better. me thinks we needed a little vacation from school!
* i celebrated last week the events of 2007 with my company. i finished 2nd in the country for the 2nd year in a row. i was thrilled, and pissed all at the same time. aiming for #1 this year, NO DOUBT. i also received some honors: President's Club, 100% Club, and first in one of the sales categories. I placed in all 7 categories available, as well. kind of a cool way to finish the year, for sure.
* higgins will be a show dog! it's a very relaxed and NO pressure puppy showing with the breeder. we won't be doing the showing, she will, but it's at the National's here locally in May. he's very excited ( he told us, hehe). but i am pretty sure it'll be the first and last, as he isn't training for that, nor does she anticipate he'll be doing it past puppy stage (15-18 months) the kids are beyond thrilled! by the way, he turns ONE March 12th.
* i am officially entering the last MONTH of my thirties after tomorrow. oh sh*t. march marks a very pivotal birthday for me. wonder how i'll feel. hmmmmm

okay, that's the jumbled and messy thought pattern all bullet pointed for your reading pleasure.

i feel better. i may even have something smart to say tomorrow. doubt it, but i can dream.

in

2008-02-23T20:44:00.001-05:00

made it home. happy to be here. had a blast, and enjoyed the time with colleagues.

planning to have a good weekend with some hockey and some rest with the family.

will be back in the swing soon, just needing to regroup.

chillin' in cali

2008-02-18T20:38:00.002-05:00

literally .. it's fah-reezing here. i'm in socal, santa ana / huntington beach area and it's apparently relatively unseasonably chilly right now. however, it's warmer than home. by about 20 degrees. so, while not complaining, just wishing that the socal reputation was holding strong for us here ...

anywho - it's been good so far. i've been able to get to the gym twice already, and slept for 9 hours last night. not exactly a typical business trip, right?

heading to the steam room right now, and then we have dinner as a group with some "bonding" time afterwards - good stuff.

'til tomorrow!

swimming upstream

2008-02-17T11:45:00.002-05:00

so i mentioned that i am still struggling with some things. i am. we are. sometimes it really does just feel like i am swimming upstream.

i know that life sometimes drops you off dowstream, and says 'yeah, here you are, you can do it, but i'm kinda betting against you. let's see whatcha got, k?' so, with that, there is an opportunity essentially to fight or to fly.

typically, i've been known to fight. i have a mission, afterall, a determination unlike most others. i have drive, and stubborness with a healthy dose of persistence, and i generally find a way to use it. my age, and maturity have guided me to use it wisely, however, i do use it.

lately, the stream is a very strong one. it's also striking when i am tired.

what's the struggle, truly? parenting questions, a 3rd grader that is sad, unsure, and having trouble with processing some things. a hockey player that is feeling controlled, and belittled, and a little man who is working hard to maintain a wonderful, yet fragile, self esteem. a little sister that is asking for time, and understanding from him, and sometimes, in his eyes, demanding things he can't deliver right now.

in a word or two. 3rd grade and turning 9 is a transition. 7 is a struggle. couple all of that with some stress, and unsuredy with a career move with daddy, and you have a high level of angst within the house.

we'll get through it. we will. talking, and discussing, and finding some peace to handle all of it will happen. we are a strong, and very well balanced family of 4 that will find the way to swim up that stream with ease.

we always do.

outa here!

2008-02-16T21:56:00.002-05:00

off to the National Sales Meeting with my company in the OC. Looking somewhat forward to the get-away, but not necessarily to the get-away, you know?

anyway, i am packed, and almost ready to be gone.

stressful goodbye to the kids. still struggling with a few things. {sigh}

anyway.

i am off. i will try and post while i am away.

seeya!

my love

2008-02-15T12:47:00.004-05:00

the love of my life ....

he makes me want to be a better woman, a better mom, and a better wife. while marriage is sometimes hard work, he gives me all the reason in the world to have fun with it, and enjoy the process. i love that we have a friendship first, and wholeheartedly commit to it. he makes me smile, he makes me laugh, and he makes me swoon.

i love you more today than i did yesterday, babe.

xo

p&p

2008-02-14T20:16:00.005-05:00

push

pull

that's what we do ... daily.

all of us.

especially here in this house.

some days the pushing is hard. never physically of course, just "pushing" - buttons, and tempers, patience, and nerve endings.

some days the pulling is heavier - at heart strings, at souls.

lately i, well, WE, feel the pushing is ... outweighing the pulling.

it.is.exhausting.

{sigh}

this parenting thing is hard sometimes, you know?

smiles and laughter are cherished, and often, snapped up - like here:

and here:

juuuuust to remind me i did this whole thing for the joy of family.

needed this

2008-02-13T21:06:00.002-05:00

go here : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjXi6X-moxE

it's been around the block before, but it is so worth the look, and giggle, again.

trust me on this.

more pride

2008-02-12T21:34:00.000-05:00

looks like i am shamelessly braggin' again .......

but i just cannot help myself. :o)

cam was invited to practice with an elite hockey team this evening. a team that has been seeking him out for three years. we on the other hand, were quite resistant for ... a variety of reasons. but this year, we caved.... for a variety of reasons. but one reason we caved was because we were told by this elite team coach that he didn't look as good as he had two years ago to him - that he hadn't progressed the way they thought he should have from two years ago. we were shocked, and saddened. so we gave him a shot, and wanted the coaches to have a look.

he rocked tonight. he was on fire. he had a mission, and there was no stopping him. i jokingly said in the stands watching the practice, 'gee, i wish that coach comes to us afterwards and says i was wrong, he looks super!'

and you know what - HE DID.

the coach approached us after and said that he was really pleasantly surprised, and clearly what he had seen this year at the games he watched cam was a kid that was 'flat' on the ice because of who he was playing WITH. the two games were with one of the teams that cam plays with, and the team itself isn't all that good. he was really impressed with him tonight, though, and made it a point to let us know how impressed he was. he was really excited to have him there.

we were so relieved, and thrilled, and excited for this kid. he was beaming, and absolutely loved the practice! he just comes alive on skates!

so, we're pretty sure he'll try out for the team, and likely be wearing some new colors next year.

so proud. and yet, all that trepidation is gone. it's the right thing for him. it's in his best interest.

so proud!

2008-02-11T14:32:00.000-05:00

she rocked yesterday!! she was solid on all four pieces of equipment, and smiled the whole way through ... SUCH an improvement, and no doubt her hard work has paid off!

the flowers were from 'daddy and cameron - aren't they gorgeous, mommy!?' so we posed with them at the end of the meet ... and she has them in a special vase on the table for all to see ....

im telling you - amateur athletics at the youngest levels are the absolute BEST! my heart sings when they are so happy. and they are when they are doing things they love. this little gal isn't competitive though, no, she's not very much like her brother .... she likes to move, and have fun, and hang with her friends, but she doesn't care "who wins". she does it for the love o the movement ... and that is absolutely okay with me.

of we get these smiles, and this warm feeling from it - shoot, i'll do this all day! :o)

fun weekend so far ...

2008-02-09T15:28:00.000-05:00

and we're only 1/3 through it! yahoo!!!

i had to work today in beantown (that's boston for those not familiar) at a big hospital of mine for a difficult airway education show, and it went beautifully. there is SUCH excitement about our McGrath videolaryngoscope, and it's really awesome to watch docs and nurse anesthetists become so impressed with the amazing little device that it is. especially when they SAY it in front of a competitive vendor who is there and very smug.

ha!

now, we're heading to the bruins' game with cam's team ... and gearing up for a really fun night!

tomorrow the little gal has a gymnastics meet, so photos are sure to be here! and then a hockey game of the big guy's later in the afternoon.

so, in all, just a family fun filled, little bit 'o work weekend!

happy saturday, and stay warm .... snow showers here .... brrrrrrr

a good dittraction from MY thoughts ....

2008-02-08T15:10:00.001-05:00

** what's a "dittraction?" as i typed in my title ... ack. guess i am DIStracted, huh???

:o)

a "TWO FER" answering game .... from Nichole

Two names you go by mommy, karin

Two things you are wearing right sweatpants and longsleeve t-shirt (post gym workout!)

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship honesty, and respect

Two of your favorite things to do laugh, and eat

Two things you want very badly at the moment wisdom and grace to make a decision about something

Two pets you have or have had Shatzie, my beloved first dog; Sasha, the family fabulous dog growing up

Two things you did last night emailed, and blogged

Two people you think will fill this out ? and ?

Two things you ate today activa yogurt, and thai noodles

Two people you last talked to one of cam's hockey coaches and sean

Two things you're doing tomorrow airway show in Boston, and going to the Bruins game!

Two longest car rides New England to Marathon Key, and Marathon Key back to New England

Two favorite holidays Thanksgiving and my birthday. What? It is a Holiday somewhere. :o)

Two favorite beverages water, and beer

Two people no longer alive who you'd like to talk to my grandparents (together in a conversation) and John F Kennedy

fun fun ... play along if you like~!

caliente chili chicas

2008-02-07T19:47:00.000-05:00

yep, that's right.

the hot chili chicks!

how cool is that name? it's for next week's National Sales Meeting, and we have a chili cookoff and the team that I was placed on is all women. so, we are *working* the mexican vibe and getting the groove on. the plan is this: black mini, white tee, cowboy boots, sombrero, red apron, and chili pepper (tacky) jewelry.

oh, yeah, at that point, who cares what the chili tastes like, right!?

so, although she doesn't have all the trimmings - check it here:

i thought, personally, she was a terrific model for the aprons, and the pot was all her idea! :O) she loves cooking ... so, i am certain she'll snag this apron from me when i return. i won't tell her about my cowboy boots though ....

life here otherwise, as i mentioned in yesterday's brief (read:lame) post has been very thought provoking.

the little man is having some struggles again with school - nothing major, nothing awful, but he is still struggling with controlling himself, and buckling down with work. he is getting reminded often, and had a mediocre report come home. so ... we've been dealing with that ... mess. it's a hard thing for me. i know she isn't terribly fond of personality in her classroom. cam has a BIG one of those. she isn't all that excited about the activity level of the boys. cam is a leader of the group when it comes to activity. i also know that she thinks he's reallllly gifted. cam was told this last night - i think i struck a nerve. we'll see.

additionally, we are at a crossroads with his hockey. it's time to make a decision to allow him the tools and resources he deserves to have with the skill he possesses on the ice. we've been apporached by a better team and organization over the last few years - each time, we are grateful, but politely refuse because we feel obligated, and overwhelmingly loyal to the organization he's been with for years. we received a call from them again yesterday, but this time it was of concern. they've seen him recently, and he hasn't progressed the way they thought he should have and it's likely the level of play he's been exposed to - it's sub-cam-level. if we are ever to think that he can play in this "elite"- ish league, waiting will do no good at this point. it will be detrimental and possibly damaging. so, now, we have some decisions. we discussed, and he is interested in exploring the options. he is mulling it over, and likely doesn't fully comprehend the consequences (which are limited truly to his changing the circle of friends he has currently on his team to that of the kids that are on the other team - not all that horrible when you're 9, right?) but even without fully digesting what it all means - he is interested in going to that arena. so, we'll see.....

on another note, i had a great day in the field today! my first real field ride with a potential candidate for the Albany NY position that i will be the trainer for. he was lovely. young, aggressive, and hungry. smart, and articulate, and clearly a quick study. i liked him, and i liked the opportunity to be with him in the field. we're both looking forward to the next step.

off to read and relax (gettin' ready for the cross country flight next week!) ... :o)

long day

2008-02-06T22:41:00.000-05:00

spent talking and processing some info for the big guy and hockey for next year. it's a process for sure ...

but i have a busy day tomorrow with work, so i'll be back tomorrow evening.

g'night

easy peasy chicken pot pie

2008-02-05T11:10:00.000-05:00

seriously - this might be the easiest recipe i have ever tried for this dish. we are big fans, and i mean BIG fans of this yummy goodness, so i try it often. with the limited choices my kids and hubby have for vegetables, i have to find recipes that allow me to pick the veggie inserts.

so here it is: (and these two photos were prior to baking ... sorry i never even though to snap a few shots while preparing ... amateur, huh?)

1 - 2 16oz cans of buttermilk biscuits

2-4 cups boneless cooked chicken

16 - 32 oz of prepared white chicken gravy (prepare according to package with milk)

semi-thawed veggies of your choice, or freshly cooked veggies

cheaddar cheese, grated

crispy onion decoration (optional)

preheat oven to 400 degrees

take the buttermilk biscuits and press into baking dish, or separate individual dishes. be sure to have some come up along the sides as this will be the crust (i used 2 larger packs of biscuits, and had some leftover for a second dish)

cut and cube chicken, cook thoroughly in pan on stove

prepare the chicken gravy in separate pan

warm frozen veggies / cook fresh veggies

once the gravy is ready, add the chicken and veggies to the gravy on the stove

take mixture and poor into baking dishes

bake for 15-20 minutes or until crust is golden brown

remove and add shredded chees, and onion topping, bake for 3-5 minutes until melted.

serve. enjoy!

my three picky eaters sure did! and even asked for more last night, and then some for lunch today! ;o)

gamer

2008-02-04T16:24:00.000-05:00

so, the little man (or big fella depending on the day, here) is feeling better, and seemingly recovered from the GIANT disappointment from yesterday's Super Bowl. He had a great day at school he said, mingled with friends, laughed, went to art class, and had a substitute teacher ...... and found a way to get through the heartbreak.

and ... he made this during "free create":

that right there is a hockey rink, complete with players, coaches, and goaltenders.

it isn't regulation size, of course, but what it is is a creative mind with juices flowing - and a wee bit of an obsession right now .... we're entering hockey playoff season now for him, and his two teams are in the playoffs. one is seated well in one division, and should be a contenda' and the other is.... not so much (a bit more challenging of a division, and the team he has there isn't exactly made up of studs, so to speak, so it's more fun than anything ... and he is enjoying the different coaching thing)

he is actually busy right now, as i type, in the dining room madly creating a larger version of the same thing.

i wonder if he'll need larger .. eraserplayers for that one? :O)

i love creative minds .... and sporting minds just make me smile ... especially of the amateur level - for the love of the sport.

hope your monday was a fun one!

bummer

2008-02-03T23:09:00.001-05:00

in a big fat way.

there are some long faces here at this house. my hubby isn't really all that surprised, because he said the Pats played terribly. the Giants wanted it more tonight.

cam however, is a completely different story. i have no doubt he will remember this loss for the rest of his life. he went to bed very sad.
:O(

poor fella.

this and that

2008-02-02T20:09:00.000-05:00

so ... hi!
i find myself feeling compelled to write here. it's weird. i blogged every day in january, and now i'd like to try and stick with it this month. i won't go as far as saying that i'll do it for 365 or anything, but i will take it a month at a time ( a wee bit better goal setting for me - 30 days at a time versus 365 days, yes?). what i want to avoid is mundane, boring but write-to-have-a-blog-post kind of things. oh, yes, it'll happen i know. and truthfully all (three!) readers of this blog will just be waiting on the edge of their seats for the daily installment ... i know, i know. i promise to be cognizant of that and get here for the comitment i am making. heh. ;-p

seeing that you haven't had a higgins picture in a little bit here - i think since the paw measurement photo yes? well, this one here, this'll do, i think - yes? let me tell you about this one.

this fella is a love bug - he spends lots of time with us. right next to us. in the room, underfoot, and nearby enough to keep us in contact with him. i was meandering about the house on this particular day, cleaning up dustbunnies, and kids items, getting things "in their place" - you know, just orgnizing. normally, i am watched - verrrrry closely - with big brown eyes. if i go from one spot to another, he follows me everywhere i go, from room to room, lumbering in, and then collapsing with a loud thud. his eyes always on me.
then, as i finished in the 5th or 6th room i was in, i noticed he didn't follow me in that one. i was surprised, but thought, he must be sick of following me, wondering why i wasn't stopping to snuggle or rub his belly. so i walked back to the kitchen area, and noticed he was stretched out across the floor covering a fair amount of space, almost saying "come on by, i'll notice, and follow you again, but i just needed to rest for a second." but his attempt at just 'resting' turned into a little catnap. he was snoozing - snoring and all. i grabbed my camera and snuck up on him. snapped it and the dang flash woke him - or at least startled him. one eye opened all the way, the other just a tad. after the shot, he slowly closed his eyes and went back to sleep - immediately snoring again. i couldn't help but lay down, and snuggle. he just makes me happy.

h.a.p.p.y.

he has been such an addition to this family. he brings so many things, one of which, is serentity. he is so calming, and gentle, and sweet. and, he needs a bath right now so badly. :o) me thinks that he'll be visitin' a professional location for that activity. gone are the bathtub days for us, here!

and then there's this shot. i love this shot. totally surprised at the way this turned out. what i love so much about it is this: it sits on one of my many shelves that i have decorations on. this shelf has pictures, i have lots of photos around the house. this particular shelf has a photo of the 7 grandchildren. in front of that is the word Dream, on a little statue. i think it's the fact that the picture of the kids is out of focus, but you know what it is (well, i do, and now you do since i told you) and then the inspiration is right in front.

with all the things that have been swirling in my head about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness - i find it so poignant that those 7 faces are so close to that wonderful word - that thing that i hope for each and every one. they are all told consistently that anything you want, anything you desire is within reach, but it's up to you to go for it, and to work hard for it, and just dream about getting it in your hands.

don't ever, ever stop dreaming .....

answers

2008-02-01T11:50:00.000-05:00

these little games are fun sometimes, and i like what they can reveal (mostly because i get to control the answer lol!) but my friend Nichole did this, and i laughed out loud at some of her answers ....

silly. time suck. entertaining. and fun. :o) that combination makes for an enjoyable time answering these questions ....

play along, it'll be fun!

1. If your doctor told you today that you were pregnant, what would you say? *gulp* uhm ... really?! that's a ... surprise!

2. When was the last time you flew in a plane? November 2007 to a meeting.

3. What did the last txt message you sent say? "yup, me too. meet u there." it was to my friend as we were meeting up at the gym today, usual time.

4. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex? tush. hands down. but eyes, and back, and arms/shoulders are right up there fighting for #1.

5. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future? to send my manager three emails with my "plan of attack" for three different topics.

6. Shoe size?9 and a half

7. Been to Mexico?Yep- several times actually. most recently last January.

8. When is the last time you had a massage? probably 8/10 months ago???

9. What was the last TV show you watched? the show that Wayne Brady hosts - there was an 11 year old adorable boy on last night that was rockin' it, and y hubby told me to come and watch him. dunno the name of the show though.

10. What are your plans for the weekend? gym, take the little one to gymnastics, 2 hockey games, and SUPER BOWL watching, baby!

11. If your significant other asked you to marry them today, what would you say? I'd say - "absolutely! I'd do it all over again with you! So - where's the trip after I say I do again?!" ;-P

12. What is in the back seat of your car right now? the back seat? two sets of headphones for the DVD player. and two bottles of water. The way back - work stuff.

13. What were you doing at 8am this morning? chatting with some asnesthesiologists about the videolaryngoscope we have.

14. If you could marry any celebrity today, who would it be? marry? i don't have an answer for that .... meet and get to know? that's a different story! but I am married, and very happily so I don't think I could ever answer that.

15. Have you ever been to a strip club? yes, and had a BLAST!

16. What is the best ice cream flavor? anything OTHER than chocolate. really, anything!

17. What is the last sporting event you watched? a hockey game of my son's.

18. Ever go camping? oh, yes, several times. I visited 26 states by car and camper before I was 16 years old. I'm a pro. :O)

19. Last phone call? to an account to discuss a purchase.

20. Are you allergic to anything? allergic, no, but I am lactose intolerant.

21. What is one thing you learned about life recently? that I need to drink in every moment as if it were the most important moment - and live life FULLY - everyday. (see post below)

22. What do you do at work? make friends, communicate, laugh, sell, instruct, teach, ask, learn, answer.

23. What is your mom's name? Denise

24. Ever cried for no reason? absolutely.

25. Can you do the Crank Dat dance? perhaps ... never tried, but it doesn't look all that challenging. :O)

26. What is your favorite color to wear? orange

27. What is the longest plane ride you have ever been on? 10.5 hours - Hawai'i from the East Coast.

28. What is the longest road trip you've ever taken? New England to Florida - several times. Good laughs!

29. What are your turn-offs? selfishness, arrogance, in-your faceness.

30. What was your last alcoholic beverage? a yummy beer.

31. What are you craving right now? a meal that someone else will make and serve.

silly, right? happy Friday night!

real

2008-01-31T21:11:00.000-05:00

i have found something that is deeply affecting me. it's a blog that i have been reading, and weeping to, and taking a moment to breath with. the blog is http://jodyferlaak.blogspot.com/. The name is Nitty Gritty. if you've not been directed to this blog, i'd like to be the one to get you there. this woman, the mother of 5 children, newly pregnant with her 6th, has been blogging for over two years about her life with her brood. she writes about her life with her family, the daily joys, the daily difficulties, and everything in between. but the piece that grabs hold of you, and doesn't let you turn away is this: her oldest daughter, Teagan, was tragically killed while sitting having brunch with her family on a sunday back in 2001. Teagan was 4.

this woman is in a word, amazing. her faith (of which i admire SO greatly, however struggle to fully comprehend, personally) is what gets her through her days, her nights, her ... life. she is absolutely astounding in her forgiveness, her strength, her vision, and her approach to living.

here's a snipet:

" life, to me isn't about getting things done and checking off lists. No. It's about living with intention and understanding. It's about priorities and having them so in tune with what is Real that everything else can wait. Just so that the moments that truly matter can take center stage."

she was talking about stopping to take a breath, and drink in an everyday moment that she and her daughter, Wyndham were having unexpectedly. this kind of thought, and process are typical of her musings, and her life as she writes about it on her blog. it has changed the way i am thinking the last several days. it is certainly changing the way i am acting - most especially with those folks that i love with all my heart. knowing that i have been working hard to be grateful, and take the time to appreciate all that i have - i still find myself humbled to a point of silence as i read this blog.

honestly, i won't even be able to accurately depict what she expresses.

go. read it.

you will not be disappointed.

i promise.

come back

2008-01-30T22:49:00.000-05:00

that's what i heard as i moved from the house this morning on the backroad to the highway. it was on my cell phone, and it was my little babe. she was crying. she was very upset that i didn't go in this morning to give her a kiss and say goodbye "because you were leaving for a whole day and night, and you usually kiss me goodbye in the morning". i do that, it's true. usually. and i go into both of their rooms. but it's because it's 5:00AM usually and theyaren't even close to waking up. today it was 6:30 AM and the chance existed that i might startle them and wake them for the day, and that's just too early. especially this week when the evenings have been full of activities, and things that have been keeping them both awake 30-60 mins past normal bedtime. she was already awake, though, this morning, waiting for me to kiss her goodbye. and today, of all the days, i didn't go in to kiss her.

dang it.

without so much as a breath, i turned around and flew back to the house to get the much needed (for BOTH of us) hug and kiss. she was waiting for me, barely able to see through the window of the side door. smiling with the light illuminating her hair behind her. she had her jammies on, and her eyes were swollen from sleeping, but also from crying. we stood there, at the door, hugging, and holding each other. she sighed a comfortable sigh, and said, "okay go ahead mommy, you need to go." i asked her if she'd give cam a hug since he wasn't up yet. she readily agreed, but asked me for the hug to give to him. i happily oblidged, afterall. :) and of course, he seems to be needing a hug or thirty these days, with his frustration with 3rd grade and all. so, she was gleefully filled with her hugs, for the extra hugs for her brother, and, of course, her extra mommy-time, and she shut the door, locked the lock, and stood there as i got back into my car, and waved to me - with a big smile, and a beautiful vision of red hair illuminated in that before the sun rises glow as i drove off again.

the little girl with the great big, wonderful, gentle, and loving heart that swells my soul with every emotion on the earth.

grabbing hold of the tails

2008-01-29T21:19:00.000-05:00

and hanging on for all that's good in the world. :O)

i am feeling a wee bit crunched for time, and a wee bit frazzled ... i have some thoughtful things i want to say. i have some swirling things in this head 'o mine, but just no time.

i am trying to be better about getting enough sleep, and i am doing well. so i don't want to blow it. i've got an early day tomorrow, and some traveling, and i haven't packed yet. BUT - the kids are all set with their stuff, and i have organized my work stuff to just shove into the car at 6:00AM, so i am ahead of myself with that. gotta pack, and get to sleep.

i should be able to get here tomorrow and unswirl the thoughts in my head, though, and get a good one.

until them, i will continue to be a short-winded blogger wordwise, and leave you only with this:

we've titled this one "Peace" because, well, there was for quite some time as this went on. it's her Nintendo DS, and he was better at that game so she asked him to play it and show her.

awwwwwww ... right?

heh.

argh

2008-01-28T22:10:00.001-05:00

I have been trying to get a playlist posted to my blog for the better part of the afternoon. i.cannot.get.it.done.

i love the idea of having music playing while on my blog, and posting or commenting. i hope that i can figure it out. any advice?

today was a good start to the week - i had mentioned that it was going to be a busy one - it wasn't a crazy start. regular, still busy, but not outrageous.

now though, i am jonesing for some chocolate chip cookies and we don't have any. darnit. so, i am making a note to myself that tomorrow, i will schedule some time to make some cookies.

afterall, the kids and sean love them too. :)

gearing up

2008-01-27T20:50:00.000-05:00

for a busy week. sunday should be two days long.

just sayin'.